Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it

I really want to write a beautifully poetic Christmas blog post, but I find myself speechless. I can't adequately describe how I'm feeling. Content? Blessed? Loved? Forgiven? Joyful? At peace? But none of those pinpoint the feeling exactly.

I happened across this scripture earlier today, from 2 Corinthians 9:15 "Thanks be to God for his unspeakable gift." I like it, a lot. To me, it is very clear and wonderful. But I wondered how the word "unspeakable" could be translated. Does that mean it's an unmentionable? Should we not speak of it? Is it a secret?

To me, it means it's a gift so great, so filled with love, that words can never express how grateful we are. Words can't explain the magnitude. We stand in awe.

A gift so great, we're unable to speak. Like me in this moment, eyes filled with tears, throat tight, speechless. Sometimes those moments are more profound than anything we could ever say.

Merry Christmas everyone. Religious or not, the heart of Christmas and our celebrating and gift giving is love, and we can all relate to that.

Random Tuesday tidbits

Let me begin by saying, there will always be a special place in my heart for Sean Biggerstaff (even though he's kind of a jerk), Tom Felton (even though he kind of got ugly), the Phelps twins, and that gorgeous man who played Tom Riddle in the Chamber of Secrets. And a few others too. That being said, I have a new Harry Potter love:

Say hello to Scabior, the head snatcher dude. Did anyone else see the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and found yourself attracted to this man? Or are my mother and I the only ones? haha I'm thinking it might be something about the Jack Sparrow/eye make up thing he's got going on, who knows? It actually took quite a bit of researching to even figure out the character's name, and then from there find the actor's name.

He's Nick Moran and, though hard for me to believe, nearing his 41st birthday. I would've guessed about 30ish. I hope I age that well!

Let me end this post with a little something fun and exciting...

For those of you who don't know (and I think that's pretty much everyone) I love love hats. Especially winter hats and beanies. I have at least 10 and I have another on my Christmas list. So the other day a Roxy catalog came in the mail and they sell snowboard gear and cute wintery stuff, and yesterday I checked them out online. I went on their website and looked at hats and found 2 that I decided I couldn't live without. I was also enticed by their free shipping deal going on right now, but they were still pricey. I decided to hold off and think about it for a little. I came back to it today, but before I ordered, went on facebook and became a fan of Roxy, just for fun. Lo and behold, after I did, I discovered that they just reached a million fans and they're giving out a promo code for 30% off your entire online order today and tomorrow only. To make a long story short, I ended up buying both hats and a scarf to match, 30% off and free shipping making it the same price as the 2 hats originally would've been had I gotten them yesterday. I'm pretty pumped about it.

Feeling blessed

Last Thanksgiving, I was kind of at a low point because a relationship had just ended very suddenly and so I was in no mood to be thankful about anything. I knew life would go on, but it kind of seemed like it wouldn't. And I knew I would be ok, but I felt like it would never happen. Oh how far, how very far, I've come in one year. So I'll start there.

I am so very grateful for how much a person can grow, and learn, and experience in a year (and throughout a lifetime), and where it takes them. It takes them to places, people, happiness, friendships, love, experiences, etc that you never could imagine happening before it does. Life is beautiful.

I'm thankful that when things seemingly go wrong, somewhere down the road, even if it's like 50 years later, you'll realize it was so everything could go just right.

I am thankful for my adorable fuzzy black Salem cat, who is laying on my lap purring right now.

I'm thankful for my family. That might be cliche, but at the same time, not everyone is as fortunate as me with family situations. I can't imagine not having them. Especially my mom, good grief. What would I do if I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about life? They're everything. Thanksgiving, Christmas, life's experiences, would be meaningless without loved ones to share them with.

I'm thankful for unexpected and completely perfect first kisses that leave a girl wondering where she is and what her name is and what in the world just happened.

I'm grateful for friends. I'm glad that my friend N asked me to be in her wedding and I got to drive down to Virginia to see her, and I'm glad my friend S spent one last summer in the area and we made up with H, and I'm glad my friend G reached out to me when I felt invisible and it changed the course of things, I'm glad I went with E to a drive-in movie. I'm glad for time spent with all of my friends A-Z. My family is stuck with me whether they like it or not, but my friends picked me.

I'm really grateful for music. This could become a category in itself. I'm really happy Itunes exists. And I'm super glad I went to the Chameleon on my birthday for one band and discovered several others. I'm grateful for singing and dancing and the joy it brings. I'm really thankful that God blessed Michael Buble with the voice of an angel and I went to his concert. I'm grateful for Christmas music because Christmas wouldn't feel half as warm and fuzzy and wonderful without it, I think.

I'm thankful for charity, for the moments when real, pure love flows through someone. It doesn't happen often in a world where everyone's looking out for themselves, but when it does happen, when someone doesn't even stop to think of what's in it for them, it's beautiful.

I love my job. I love working school hours, weekends off. I love the people I work with and how they make me laugh. I love the kids and how they make me laugh. I love my client. Of all the people I've ever met and had the fortune to spend time with, he's the coolest. 

I'm grateful that I spent the first 3 months of the year jobless, with countless bad interviews and ignored applications and then so easily and simply stumbled upon the place I am now, and I think that's where I was meant to be. It makes me appreciate what I have.

I really love food. I love to cook. And bake. And most especially eat. So I know it sounds like a silly thing that a 6-year-old might write on a hand-turkey, but I'm thankful for food. To quote my sister, "food is good". I'm really grateful and completely pumped for a yummy Thanksgiving meal. I'm thankful for turkey, stuffing, ham, sweet potato casserole, bread, dried corn, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, chocolate chip cookies, and the Smurf glasses we always use. I'm grateful that I'm dating a guy who's tried every kind of foreign cuisine ever and likes to take me out to the coolest places. (I'm such a guy, isn't the way to a guy's heart his stomach??) I'm grateful that I spent 4 years cooking in a restaurant. The mornings I woke up at 4:45AM to cook breakfast and the nites I spent at the broiler cooking 4726256 burgers and steaks for people (and thinking to myself that my face was melting off and I must look like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark) did not go to waste. I kind of know what I'm doing now. Maybe. I'm grateful for red bell peppers, mac and cheese, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, Panera Bread, and Sheetz smoothies. Most importantly, I'm grateful I don't weigh 400 lbs like I probably should, with all that I eat.

I'm thankful for Harry Potter. And all books like it that are so well written that you can just get lost in the world of the book, and grow up with the characters, and feel their joys and sorrows.

I'm thankful for the moments when really fun things happen and it's completely unexpected. Or you go to some event not expecting much and it turns out to be spectacular. For example, I once went with a friend to the Salvation Army store to look for parts for my Red Queen costume and discovered this super-amazing sparkly flamenco dress for cheap. My friend bought it, it's hanging on the back of my bedroom door, and everytime I look at it I smile. And another example, a couple weeks ago I went to Maryland with some friends to support a band from Lancaster, and ended up meeting some really nice guys in other bands (Rocky Loves Emily =) ) who make great music. It turned into a really memorable nite.

I'm really uber grateful for my wonderful little civic hybrid car. I've had her for a little over a year, and still haven't named her, though I've thought about it. I've considered giving her the name of a greek goddess, because she's that amazing. I think I blogged the story of how I got her on my xanga that I was using before I created this. It's a really great story, but lengthy. In short, I first considered buying her twin sister from a nice dealership and someone else bought it 2 hours after I looked at it. I was devastated, so I searched the make, model, color, year and found only one other in the entire state. I made my dad get up early the next day and check out that one, at some tiny used car place in Lancaster. And she was soooo much better. We looked at her, test drove her, and within 10 minutes, she was all mine. I lasted til age 21 without my own car, and it feels really good to know I'm paying for her entirely on my own.

I'm convinced I have thee most comfortable bed the world has ever known. When I curl up in it at nite, my problems melt away. I love that thing. And thus am grateful for it.

I love being a girl, and I'm thankful for it. Cuz girls have alllll the fun.

I'm grateful for my sense of smell. I don't think it's ever saved my life or anything like that, but I think it's pretty cool that a person's sense of smell can so strongly trigger memories (much stronger than the other senses) because of where it's located in the brain. And I love nostalgia.

I'm grateful for earth's beauty, (north) east coast weather and the changing seasons. For sunshine and blue skies, snow when you actually want it, the great outdoors and spending time in it, summer thunderstorms and downpours, the beach, driving with windows down and music turned up, the mountains, clear blue water, the color blue, trees with leaves that change color and snow-covered evergreens. And that bald eagle that swooped down right over my car on my way to work a month or two ago. I'd never seen one before and it was the last thing I expected to see.

I'm grateful for holidays, especially this one.

I'm thankful for facebook, because without it I would've lost contact with so many wonderful people, and they wouldn't be in my life anymore.

I'm grateful that God created laughing, because it's my favorite thing to do.

I'm grateful for my life, every part of it. For the things I've learned and experienced. For all the terrible things that happened to help me appreciate the good. And like I started with, for the ability to progress and change and learn from my mistakes; for the strength to keep going when it's difficult and to be able to look back and see how far I've journeyed and how great it's been.

All made up

Well, the Red Queen make-up look was tried, and here are the results.

I used ideas from the make-up artist Kandee, she has a tutorial on youtube. It involved glue sticks, white and black make up crayons, cheap halloween face paint, and some powder eye shadows.



My biggest fail was concealing my eyebrows haha. I didn't have the proper concealer to put over the glue and under the blue (I'm kind of awesome at rhyming, that was totally an accident), so you can still clearly see them. Maybe next time.

It was also a great big mess. For whatever reason I was burning hot, so my cheeks shown pink through all of it and the white kept getting all wet looking and brushing off if I accidently touched it. Perhaps if I would've had some baby powder, that would've matted the look a bit.

Annnd, I 've decided I hate having that much make-up on my face. It felt so disgusting and thick. Sooo.....

After taking a few pictures I scrubbed it all off, and here's me squeaky clean. Well, sort of. This involved lots of hot water and scrubbing and soap and eye make up remover and after all of that an astringent (which I don't often use because it's harsh and I don't need it). And my face still felt gross for awhile afterward.

It was super-fun however. I do love playing/experimenting with make-up. =)

Tuckahoe, and other stories

Some highlites of my fall season so far:

Me and a few of my friends went to FM97's birthday "barn" bash. It was in Penn State York's auditorium, so not sure of the reasoning behind the barn thing. I guess to make it sound more autumn-y? Anywho, this is my friend Brittni and I with Ryan, lead singer of one of my new favorite bands Runner Runner. I met him before, he's a really awesome kid, and tho you might not believe it from the pictures, one of the top 5 sexiest men I've ever met haha.

They like to take pictures of/with people, so they took one of us wearing their shirts, uploaded it on facebook, and it has their name in the corner which I thought was pretty fun.

Said good-bye (for 2 years) to this cool cat, who left on a mission for Bolivia.

Saw my sister Missy and nephew Shawn for the first time in THREE years (if you're thinking that's a long time, yes, I quite agree), and nephew Ethen for the first time ever. =)

LOVED having them around for a week.

Carved pumpkins with Mom.

Caught a cold from my kiddo at work and stayed home one weekend cuddling with my fuzzy black Salem kitty watching halloween movies.

Spent since mid-August creating this, the Red Queen from Alice.

Based it off of a few pictures online, including these 2, and also one that showed more of the gold overlay of the skirt.

My Halloween weekend:

Got called to be one of the new stake ysa reps a month ago, and I asked to be in charge of decorations and pumpkin-carving activities for Tuckahoe (weekend-long conference/gigantic halloween party). This was when we finally finished decorating for our dance, with everyone's jack-o-lanterns. I'm on the left. Survived my first (and probably biggest) event.

A few of the pumpkins, I carved another batman one. The one behind it (kitty cat) is mine also.

Yes, that is Cool Runnings in the background. =)

Group games...we had to race to put a scarecrow together.

me and my bff

more friends =)

One of these days I'll experiment and do the real make-up, ya know, insane eyebrows and uber white face (rather than slightly whitened) and all, and post pics.


So it's been a really exciting month or so. And I love this time of year because I get so pumped about life. It's now November, which brings the new Harry Potter movie, Michael Buble at the Giant Center, and Thanksgiving, one of my favorite holidays. And with Thanksgiving, the feel of the Christmas season. Which is part of the reason I love Thanksgiving so much, because it all starts to build. But mostly it's the food. And the family too, of course.



you're in the middle of the ride, everything will be alright

Ever reach a point in life where you just wish you could flash foward a couple months/years? Just to make sure you survived. Or because you're impatient and just wanna know what happens. Like when you're reading a book and get to a really suspenseful part and you just can't take it anymore so you flip ahead a little, just to check...did so-and-so really die, are they gonna make up, is the nice guy gonna get the girl, did the hero make it through all of that hardship, is everything gonna be ok? Ever wish you could do that with your own life? I do sometimes. Like now. More because I'm impatient and less not knowing if I can survive. I'm pretty certain of my survival at this point. Just dying to know what's gonna happen and how things will work out in their own perfect little way, despite my stumblings and screw-ups and sticky situations.

It's all here, in black and white and red

I think I didn't come across the way I wanted to in my last post...it was more a "hey, if it seems like I talk about this topic a lot, here's why" kinda thing. But it's my blog so I can do what I want with it. =)

Something's really bothering me and pressing on my mind, and just starting to type about it is making the tears well up. For the first time in my life, I'm the "heartbreaker" so to speak and not the heartbroken. But now that I've felt what that role is like, I gotta say, the one doing the breaking ends up broken too. And it really hurts. Maybe just as much. Although yes there are a few of them out there, not every heartbreaker is an evil heartless monster. Not always a clear cut good side and a bad side, right and wrong.

Ever lose someone near and dear to you because you couldn't be what they wanted you to be? Around Christmas last year, I started talking with a guy who has changed my life and always been there for me from day 1. Made me feel welcome and helped me find friends...put a little light at the end of the tunnel that went out for a couple months at the end of last year when I was going through a rough spot. He easily became one of my favorite people and one of my best friends. And I thank God for him every single day, for what he did for me. Obviously I care about him, he means a lot to me. But as a friend and nothing more. And for him that's not enough.

What do you do when your best guy friend falls in love with you? And the feeling's not mutual? For awhile it was fine...discussed between us, boundaries set, good to go. But now after a few months of that, with me oblivious thinking everything was great, the heartache is worse and the decision has been made to leave my life. At first, without telling me. Like I wouldn't notice. Wouldn't notice the lack of texts, hugs, conversation, random gossip, eye contact. And how I'm suddenly never invited and completely NOT in the know about anything.

He thought, to use the earlier metaphor, that now I've gotten out of that tunnel and I've reached the light, he could slip away unnoticed. Silly of him. Of course I noticed. Immediately. So things were discussed again. And now I'm trying to be understanding, or pretending to be...that's a better word. Because yes, I've selfishly been expecting him to be in my life on my terms, without thinking how difficult that is. And even though life continues, he hasn't moved, so he needs distance from me for awhile, to start a new chapter and move on. I get that. So now I have to pretend to be ok with never getting invited and not talking to the one person I always went to and feeling SO left out. Not just left out...I feel like a loser while my friends go out and have a good time doing fun things and I'd love to be there with them. I feel like I'm being punished; like I've done something wrong. "Oh let's all go out and see Sheridan's favorite band, don't tell her though, she's not invited." That's what this feels like. And I'm pretending to be ok with it. But it's not really ok. And I don't understand. I do but I don't, if that makes any sense at all. I know there's not really any malicious intent. It just feels like it.

Not a win-win situation in sight. For awhile I was winning, he was losing. I had a really great friend, but he was suffering because of me. Now the tables have turned. He wants distance to be able to move on and is off having the time of his life without me, and I just lost one of my closest friends. I lose. But for his sake, I guess it should stay that way.


I might have been the one to break the heart, but it broke mine too.

I'm the new Bridget Jones

So, I'm still trying to find my place in the world of blogging; to have some point to all the ramblings and random posts. It's supposed to be a 'glimpse of my life' after all, but I'm not sure how well I depict that. Some people like to tell silly anecdotes about their life. Some just explain special events. Or did you ever notice, along with the anecdotes thing, how lots of people take whatever part of their life is a mess and discuss that, like their job or their in-laws or training a new pet? Like a comedian's stand-up routine...making the mundane everyday things hilarious. If I had it my way, I would spend hours and pages upon pages of this blog telling great stories about all the things that happen at work. Occasionally I'll say a few things, but for the most part confidentiality prevents me from discussing that. So it's out of the picture. What is my "theme" right now?

I've been thinking about it, and have started to form an idea, thanks to the stage of life I'm in (22, college grad, steady job, and the dreaded word, single). My blog should/will probably become a dating/relationships blog. Only because, unfortunately for myself, that is currently the part of my life that is in complete and total disarray, and often takes up my time and energy and brain space. And however awful and terrifying it might be for me, it would probably be amusing for some reading. And amusing to me also, at some future point in time, whether or not anyone gets a good laugh from it now.

It's a thought. One problem I'm already imagining is that the people being discussed on the blog might read this...and that would just be awkward and it would keep me from being completely honest. I suppose I should talk about situations rather than people.

*sigh*...who knew being single would bring more drama and hurt feelings and confusion and drain me of more emotional energy than being in a serious relationship would? It's insane. Insane. Like really, how much I talk about it is how much I don't wanna be talking about it. But hey, sometimes all you can do is laugh about things, and make light of situations. Otherwise if you don't laugh, you'll just cry. What a weird/awful/awkward part of life. I've said it before, I'm saying it now, and I'll more than likely say it again in the future: the whole single but dating thing is NOT FUN. And I can't wait for it to be over. Then my blog's theme can change to the next thing that will terrorize my life.

One weird and unexpected reason why I wanna get married

Ugh. Sometimes a situation is so messy and awful, and decisions are so difficult, I wish I could just flash forward a little into the future to know what I'm supposed to do, or just to know that everything will work out and be ok. Story of my life. Story of everyone's life I guess. Decisions hurt.

I'm so tired of people making me feel guilty for things that I don't deserve to feel bad about. Or that are beyond my control. I just want everyone to be happy and not be hurting. I want my friend back. To normal. I'm tired of getting on facebook and seeing posts of lyrics and videos about awful heartbreaking girls and wondering if it's directed towards me. Because seeing that is like a knife to my heart also. I never meant to hurt anyone. What did I do that even brought all of this on? I don't understand.


Can I let you all in on a little secret? I cannot wait to be married. And it's not for any normal reason. Here's why, and it's going to make me sound really lame and self-centered: I just wanna worry about one guy. Cuz when you're single, and there's all these guys that either think they have a piece of you or want a piece of you, you have to worry about hurt feelings and closure or lack there of, and drama and awkward situations and ruining friendships, etc etc etc. And it is THE WORST THING EVERRRRR. I wanna pick one, and make it official, get that decision out of the way so that I can just move forward and not look back. And so everyone knows that no, they do not have a piece of me, because that guy has all of me.

scavenger hunt

Saw a blog scavenger hunt on a friend's blog, think I'm gonna try it. =)

1.) Your favorite Youtube video.



It's a really hard choice, but this one always makes me laugh a whole bunch.


2.) A photo that will make everyone say "Awwwww."



And in case you're not a cat lover:



Monkeys cuddling at the San Diego zoo...one of my friends took this, I do believe, when the band went there in high school.


3.) A funny t-shirt:



I love my HP. =)


4.) Something geeky:



2 words: George Mcfly. Although, this picture is from the scene where he punches Biff in the face and is no longer a super-geek. And that knowledge probably shows MY geekiness, but I don't care. I ADORE the Back to the Future movies.


5.) Link/image to your favorite movie:

Oh no, you can't do this to me. I even got to cheat with #4, and I still can't decide. I'll go with a classic:





It's a wonderful wonderful wonderful movie. =)


6.) A link the newest blog you've discovered:

Urmmm? I don't really look for blogs. How 'ere, I googled "fun blogs" and found this, kinda cutesy:

http://www.frugalfamilyfunblog.com/



7.) An item on your wish list:



To one day visit Santorini, Greece.

In response to a comment about Santorini, I will go into some more detail, although it's probably a little lame. For one, I'd pretty much be cool with traveling anywhere gorgeous and full of history. But I've been interested in Greece for a few years now, ever since I saw Mamma Mia and also (yes, go ahead and cringe) the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies, where the one girl went to some gorgeous island of Greece. I don't know which one she was at in the movie, but I decided I wanted to travel there. So awhile back I googled images of Grecian islands, and thought Santorini looked cool, and that's pretty much the story. I would be happy to visit any of the islands, really.

Who's awesome? YOU'RE awesome. ;)

I gotta admit I've almost completely lost interest in my letter-writing extravaganza. But I hate leaving something hanging and not ever finishing. So....

Day 21: Someone who I judged by a first impression

Dear R,

you are one of the coolest people EVER. You've never said a mean word about me or to me. You're hilarious. You do the nicest things for people, with no thought of what's in it for you. Simply because. You're just wonderful. Whenever someone brings you up in conversation, I always end up laughing and saying "I love R!" I say it so much that everyone around me probably thinks to themselves, "yes Sheridan, we KNOW". You put a smile on my face.

But could you guess by the description of this letter that my first impression of you wasn't anywhere close to my opinion of you now? Yep, the first time I remember seeing you, I immediately thought something not too nice. Just because you're not exactly like everyone else. I turned up my nose and decided you should be avoided. How awful of me. I'm grateful for being given a second chance, years later, to learn about you and have a friend in you, now that I'm not as much of a jerk. Because you're a great friend and I was wrong. It sort of makes me grossed out about myself wondering how many people I've judged so wrongly like that and haven't ever gotten another chance to really get to know them.

Thanks for being you!

Take a bite of my heart tonite

A few things I've learned in the past week:

1.) If you get a gut feeling about something, it's probably right.

2.) This all depends on who your ex is and how mature they are, but in my case, if you send a "hey how've you been?" text to an ex that you haven't talked to in awhile, it apparently means that you're a creeper, you're hitting on them and you should know better because they have a girlfriend, and you're trying to get back together with them. And they will freak out and tell the entire world this. Needless to say, I'm not texting him again until he grows up and stops thinking so highly of himself.

3.) One weekend can change the course of your life. That sounds really dramatic...I mean that things happen that suddenly change your future plans for the coming months/years.

4.) If you work in a school with kiddos, and if you want to stay healthy, your 2 best friends should be Airborne and hand sanitizer.

5.) Don't drink an entire cup of something at a restaurant and leave without first peeing.

6.) I am completely and sadly tactless. No tact whatsoever. And more than likely the moment I open my mouth I'll stick my foot in it.

7.) I HATE that phrase.

8.) Murphy's Law prevails, so just go into a situation with the attitude that no matter what happens, you'll enjoy the ride.

9.) Don't try to impress someone/make a good impression when they already like you and have a decent impression of who you are. Disaster. Hopefully I didn't permanently mess things up.

10.) Just when you think you escaped the stink bug problem everyone else has, they will grow exponentially in numbers over nite and terrorize your home in droves the following day. And they will never cease to gross me out. There are currently 2 alive in my room. I killed at least 10 today. If I hear a single buzz tonite, I will not sleep.

11.) When you work where I do, reading about Beauty and the Beast can turn into loud and wonderfully hilarious renditions of the song ("Tale as old as TIIIIIMMMME") which leads to ballroom dancing around the room, which leads to turning on the radio and having a dance party for our social skills group activity. And autistic kids have thee best dance moves. Ever.

12.) That new 106.7 station is kind of amazing. Songs of every genre from my childhood/adolescence on shuffle. Woot.



Things I already knew but re-learned in the past week:

1.) Life is good.

2.) I don't deserve my wonderful friends and people in my life, but I really love them.

3.) Stake conference makes all of life's suckiness seem so far away. It's like one giant "it's gonna be ok".

4.) I LOVE fall.

5.) At any age, boys will be boys.

6.) Procrastinating leads to lack of sleep and nothing good can come of that.

7.) I like Glee, just a little.

8.) Love everyone, because we are all equally unimportant and important.

Glad that's all figured out

I'm weirdly self-conscious about how I write on here. I feel like I come off sounding really superficial. And I use a lot of stupid cliched phrases and try to sound overly dramatic. And I only use about 100 of the words in my vocabulary. And this matters to me. Because I'm dumb. Let me tell a funny story, and be a nerd and psycho-analyze myself for a second.

Really Long Part 1:
Back in the dark ages of my life (I have never referred to them in such a way...it fits) I thought I was thee. worst. writer. inthehistoryoftheworld. Why? Because I had this super-awesome fantastic really and truly wonderful student (let me make that emphasis) teacher for english class, who flat out told me my writing was the most terrible thing she had ever seen/read. She would criticize me over every other word I wrote, and write lengthy paragraphs in red pen all over my papers about how awful it was. She even did this over tiny details in simple rough drafts for lame small assignments. For example: "you put an extra comma in the middle of this sentence that did not need to be there. therefore, your writing is awful. Your vocabulary is very limited. This wasn't long enough. The final copy is to be 3 pages long." (Umm, that's why it's a rough draft lady.) "Why did you put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence? It should've been a period. You have too many paragraphs, were you trying to make it look longer than it actually is? You should have used the word 'plethora' instead of 'abundance'. Your hand writing is sloppy, I can't even read it. If you don't improve your writing, you will fail your SATs. There's no chance you're getting into college. It sounds like a 5-year-old wrote this paper. It looks like it too. I tried so hard and couldn't begin to figure out what you were even trying to say, or what the point of all this rambling was." (Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot the main idea you assigned us to write and was rambling on about the plot of my favorite movie, my bad) "Everyone else understands that you need a main idea when you write a paper, but you haven't seemed to grasp that concept yet, because I didn't find one. Haven't you been taught that in english class since like the 2nd grade? I took the liberty of crossing out about half of what you wrote, because it was trash. You need to start over completely. I can't believe you're in 11th grade and passed a class with writing like this. Maybe you should be in the applied class; your writing is nowhere close to the other students' in this class."

No joke. And then after writing all that, she would call me back to the desk while everyone was quietly working and tell me the same things and insult me even more. And while everyone else was finishing up and handing in their papers, I had to start over and work on it over the weekend and hand it in late...for a measly 20-point assignment.

Looking back, I totally admire all those kids that spent their time in ISS because they stood up for themselves and did what they felt like. But no, back then I thought those kids were terrifying and bad and disrespectful to our wonderful nice teachers. HA. Then-me sat there and took the criticism, and the unfair grading and poor grades on my report card, and held back tears, and slipped further and further into a depression that I wouldn't realize I suffered from for another 3-4 years. That rhymed. Now-me would at least have punched that woman in the face and said a few choice words good little religious girls shouldn't. And sat in ISS feeling like a queen sitting on a throne for doing it.

So why did she treat me like that, do you ask? Well, I can't say for sure. I do know that she was a little 21-year-old cougar and liked to openly and obnoxiously flirt with my then-boyfriend during class (to the point everyone else noticed it and discussed it constantly). And she praised every sentence and word and letter and punctuation mark that kid wrote. To this day I remember walking down the hall with him to the band hall for a different class, in tears because of another failing grade and more harsh words from that woman. And it ended in a big argument in which he scolded me and made me feel worse, telling me I was just jealous because for once he had found something he was good at, and he was better than me. And I was such a bad person for putting him down, insulting him, and thinking I needed to be better than him at everything. And maybe I should just come to grips with the fact that I'm not a good writer and she's trying to help me (blahblahblah, bs bs bs, I'm a manipulative jerkface). Hahahahaha...he was such a gem.

Happy ending to that story, after Christmas time she was gone, my grades jumped up dramatically and I got high A's in that class, I took the SAT the following spring, got a 1270 or something, and a 4 out of 6 on my essay section. The better-writer-than-me bf got a 3. And, though it sucked at the time, it makes for a pretty awesome story to tell, write in my blog, and laugh like crazy about.

Really Short Part 2:
Because of all of that, I started at Millersville thinking I wouldn't do better than a C average. After all, it was engrained in my head that I was the world's worst writer. But I tried my best. Turns out, according to college professors with PhD's and years of experience, I'm a pretty darn good writer. And modest, too. With the exception of the hard time I had with my spanish classes (hello, 3.75 gpa and crappy spanish-speaking skills, goodbye 4.0 and zip spanish knowledge), I was at the top of my classes. And when it came to paper-writing, not once did I get a paper handed back to me that didn't have some comment from the prof of how well I write. For awhile I didn't believe it. Then there was a period of time where I had a huge head about it and thought I was such a smarty.

And now here I sit. Confused as to what sort of writer I am, or what level I'm at. But in writing this post I've begun to realize something. I don't care. Some might think my writing is crap. Some might love it. Maybe my vocab does suck. Because I used 'suck' and not some other word to describe it. I might have a PhD one day and still describe a bug as 'icky'. I work with kids, what do you expect? It's a good word to describe something; it gets the point across. I'm not speaking to impress people and sound important with my big words. I'm speaking to be understood. Maybe my words and phrases sound cliche and overdramatic. If you think so, too bad. I'm trying to express how I feel. And I might not be the best at it in writing, but it's me.

I've seen more spine in jellyfish

Day 20: The one who broke my heart the hardest

To: Dh

I said my piece in a previous post and don't really have much more to say to you. We're strangers now. Hallelujah. You know that Garth Brooks song, "I thank God for unanswered prayer"? That's like how I feel about you, except I think it's more prayers answered no, rather than unanswered. You know your scriptures pretty well, right? Do you know that parable where it's talking about prayer and parents wanting the best for their kids and giving them the best gifts? And it says something about what kind of parent would give their kid a stone when they're asking for bread? A great person in my life recently talked about how sometimes we so very badly want what we think is bread, but it's really a stone, and that's why we don't always get what we want, or things don't go as planned. Because it's not good for us. You were a stone. You were more awful than a stone. And I got away before it was too late, though at the time I didn't want to and hated what was happening. Now I understand. Getting away from you was one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. Escaping that life and the future I was headed towards, that was the bread.

Several years separate us now. I'm a different person. You wouldn't recognize me. I lost weight; I'm confident. I smile, I laugh. I don't put up with crap from people like you. You couldn't walk on me or push me around if you tried. Not that you would, you tend to just run away. Remember that time we ran into each other at the parking lot of Target? And you were so mortified at seeing me that you put a handkerchief over your face and tried to hide in your car? Hahaha what did you think me and Mom were gonna do, bite you and give you rabies? Give you a filthy incurable disease through a greeting? Or were you worried about getting struck down by a bolt of lightning for being in such close proximity to me? Like I said before, you sure can make me laugh.

You're on my mind love, it happens all the time love

Day 19: Someone who pesters my mind, good or bad

Dear TOIMM,


You're in my head for a reason, of that I'm sure. I'm doing my best to figure it out and do the right thing without letting my feelings get in the way. I think a lot of times when people are on our minds, it's because they need something, or someone. Whether it's just a phone call or a hug or someone who will listen or an "it's ok, I'm not mad at you", whatever. If they pop up unexpectedly in your head and won't leave, there's a reason, and we should act on it. And if on top of that, people keep mentioning that same person to you or the person randomly gets brought up what seems like constantly...you really shouldn't be ignoring that.

All of the above has happened to me, and I can't ignore it. But what exactly should I do? What do you need? Or the question I keep thinking, what on earth can I do for you that someone else can't? Isn't there someone closer to you? More qualified/stronger/better prepared than I am? Yet here is silly little mistake-prone me, and I'm the one with you on my mind and worry/care about you almost as much as a mom. Maybe one day it'll make more sense. Until then, you have my prayers and a little soft part of my heart.

Love,
Me

Having the time of my life

I'd like to take a short break from my letter-writing project to talk about how awesome the past week or so has been. And how great life is in general.

I'm currently sitting out on a deck at a condo in north Myrtle Beach, with the beach literally being RIGHT THERE in front of me. And the breeze is gently blowing and the waves are crashing and the water is actually blue-ish here, unlike the gross murky gray of Delaware, and I love it. The beach is a wonderful creation.

I'm so grateful for my job. Really really. From mid-July to about a week ago, we had this summer camp thing, and I was kinda nervous about it. But it ended up being SO fun. I love the kiddos, and I love the people I work/have worked with. And this is exactly the kind of experience I wanted to get to prepare me for grad school. And ok, getting a paycheck is pretty awesome too. For awhile I was legitimately sad that I'm missing the first week of school right now to be at the beach. Who does that?

So two Fridays ago was the last day of our summer camp, and afterward a bunch of my coworkers and I went out and I was just so happy to have people I like working with, and to have successfully made it through a summer that I was a little afraid of at the beginning. The next day Mom and I went shopping at Park City and I found a piece for my Halloween costume at Hot Topic. I'm keeping the costume secret til Halloween, of course ;) Then that Sunday after church, (great ward conference and I only had to teach 3 moderately well-behaved 5-year-olds instead of 938274626 naughty ones) I went over to my bff's house to keep her company while she was packing her life away to move to Arizona. We're all grown up now. It's weird. I went home the next morning, and then later that afternoon went with Dad to the Phillies game. It was a tragic loss and it was a little rainy, but I still had a great time. I love live baseball games. And we had awesome seats, 30 rows up right in front of the pitchers mound between 3rd and home. Seeing all my faves play up close, not on tv, is amazing. Win or lose.

Last Tuesday was institute, and I got to see and hang out with some friends, always a good time. And one of these friends and I had a good talk and decided to make the extra effort and use some teamwork to go retrieve a lost and wandering sheep in my life. The one I miss most. I'm really nervous, but praying it all works out. I haven't seen said sheep in a looooong time. Where there's a will there's a way, and I won't stop hoping for the best. No matter how long it takes.

Wednesday I went out for breakfast with bff and bff-mom at that dinky little place across from the state police barracks. And then a few hours later I drove over to Steelton and the 2 of us spent the evening in Hersheypark. This is something we've been doing since as long as I can remember. We got on all the good rides, and it wasn't too full, and the sun came out for the first time in a week, and we ate yummy bbq-ness, and got our caricature done together. I had such a good time, and ended up crying on my drive home that nite because I'm gonna miss her so much.

Thursday Sam and I went to visit Brookie Cookie. ;) It was good seeing her and hanging out with Navie and talking about the good ol' days of young womens and dances and roadshows, etc. I miss her, especially since we only get to visit like once a year. The hour and a half drive was totally worth it. =) Sam and I also got to have a good talk/therapy session on the drive home. I do love therapy time with Sam, she understands me. Or at least pretends to. ;) I'm so glad we have each other to talk about all that stuff. Love both of you girlies.

Friday was dance party nite, which was great except for me feeling kinda old and almost falling over from all the strobe lights. I'm 22, this should not be happening. And a bunch of us went to see the Takers which was kind of a wee bit terrible. See, the beginning was this fantastic bank robbery and I thought it was gonna be all awesome like Ocean's 11, but it ended up just being disappointing and lame. Fortunately Chris Brown's attractiveness kept me going. He's such a cutie. And it was nice to see Hayden Christiansen play a role besides an annoying, overly-powerful, whiny little brat like in Star Wars haha.

Saturday I went out for lunch with bff and her (as of Friday nite) "more than boyfriend" haha. And then we said our goodbyes, as they go on to the land of dry and hot. And then Sunday we left for Myrtle. And now here we are.

So in short, I've had a super busy week or so of no work and lots of friends and family, and life is good. Do I have everything? No. Do things always go the way I want? No. But I love what I have and I'm grateful for it, and I don't want to forget that, or the events of this week and how happy I felt.


One more addition: Tonite on our way to Broadway at the Beach, the Mystery Machine passed by on the highway. Literally, the very same vehicle as seen on Scooby Doo. And I said, "hey look! the Mystery Machine!" and that was that. THEN, on the way back home, we were driving behind a Delorean, and I said, "hey look! a Delorean, just like the one from Back to the Future!". And then I looked at it more closely and realized, it really was like the one from BttF. It had all the additions just like the time machine did in the movie. And then I saw that the license plate directed you to a website, "bttfcom". And I said, "oh hey! It really IS the delorean from Back to the Future!". And then we decided that there must be some convention down here at the moment, or else random people like to drive up 17 in vehicles straight out of movies. OR maybe my dreams are coming true. I'll know for sure if I see Harry Potter fly by on a broomstick, or a dragon, or something cool. I'd even settle for an owl flying by with a letter attached to its leg.

Who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be

Day 18: The person I wish I could be

Dear Future Me:

A better title would be a letter to who I wish I could become, cuz I always wanna stay me, just better. And future me, if you're anything like I'm hoping, then I'm pretty sure you're gonna look back on now-me and think "how the heck did that happen?" And I'll tell you right now, it'll be a miracle. A big one. Probably the biggest one ever. But I believe it's possible to be done. Because somehow, there's always things about me changing. I learn a little more. Get a little more experience. Get better. Grow. Find a puzzle piece or two that fit my whole big picture. Progress. Time is a funny thing. And I really hope that you look back on it all, and feel really happy, and accomplished.

So here's what I hope you're like future me: I hope you have a good education, and that you work doing something you love, but is still worthy of the occasional complaint. What's life without that? I hope you're a good mom. I hope even if you're old, or fat, or have one eye or one leg or a big ugly scar somewhere noticeable....that your husband and loved ones think you're beautiful. And I hope you don't care what anyone else thinks. I think I already have that one down basically, but hopefully I've perfected the art of not caring. I hope you've learned to go with your "gut instinct" so to speak, because it's always right. I hope you just get funner and funner with time. And I really hope that you're able to help so many people, and make them feel warm and welcome and happy and comfortable. But most importantly, I just hope you're a jolly soul, doing what you love with the people you love.

P.S. Will I ever reach the point where I look back on my past self and DON'T feel like I used to be a complete idiot? Because I pretty much always feel that way. I guess if I really think about it, the only time I feel that way is when I've made a mistake in the past, and know better now. And unfortunately I'm always gonna make mistakes my entire life, so it looks like I'm gonna be feeling like an idiot a lot in my future. Oh well. All a part of life.

Ooh, you're my best friend

Day 17: Someone from my childhood

Dear Em,

you were my first bff. We date back to sunbeams. Maybe even nursery...that's a question to ask our parents. I remember one of our primary teachers saying she could tell just by looking at the two of us together that we were kindred spirits and had been best friends before this life. And we would just look at each other and smile, as if to say "you will always be my favorite person. ever." I remember going over to your house allll the time on Sundays. My first ever sleep over was at your house. I remember getting in fights. And crying. And giggling. LOTS of giggling. And talking too. Who knew 6-year-old girls, not a care in the world, had so much drama to discuss? I remember going with your family to the farmshow and eating maple cottoncandy. And I remember going with you to Hersheypark when the Wildcat was brand new that summer, and running straight there when the park opened and riding it first. Way back in the day when that was still a good ride haha. (You wouldn't know this of course, but the Wildcat is now the worst ride in the entire park. Go on it if you want a concussion, or at least a migraine the rest of the day.)

I had no concept of distance at that age. I remember thinking you lived what seemed like forever away. Only to find out when I got older that your house had been 5 minutes from mine, and we lived in the same school district. Sometimes I like to think of the what-ifs, like what if we went to high school together? I bet I wouldn't have made 80% of all my stupid mistakes then if you had been by my side. But it was meant to be...I would be a zippo-fun, totally boring person without my mistakes.

So then came the summer we both turned 8 and got baptized a month apart, and then you moved away. To Panama. Of course back then, people just told me that was on the "other side of the world", which to me basically meant I was never gonna see you again. I don't think we ever got to properly say goodbye to eachother. Thank goodness for our parents who exchanged addresses, so we continued writing to each other all the time. (I remember using lots and lots of Lisa Frank stationary, because that was HUGE then. In fact, it was bigger than huge...it was my life.) And then you moved a few more times and we lost contact for awhile. A looooong while. I thought I'd never hear from you again.

Boy am I glad that a few years ago I found you on myspace, and now we're also facebook friends and our families stay in touch. It makes me really happy. Woot-woot for the internet; it can be a beautiful thing. Maybe sometime in the future we'll see each other again...it would be great fun. But at least now I know the location and goings-on of my very first bff and can read about your life and contact you if I ever need to. And I'm grateful. =)

Love,
Sheridan

Home...such a big feeling for such a little word

Day 16: Someone out of state/country

Dear western friends and family,

I love you, really and truly, but I don't think I was ever meant to be out there for very long periods of time. I'm not gonna go into detail because I hate hate HATE when people whine and cry about how awful my east coast home is. I mean really, probably my all-time BIGGEST pet peeve. So I will refrain from obnoxiously dissing the west. I've been all over Arizona. And I'm not really a fan...however, my dislike could be due to several factors having nothing to do with the actual place, I will admit. Idk, I get this weird vibe that I can't even explain. I do enjoy visiting, and hope to do so a lot in the future, since I have much family out there and one of my bff's moving out there in a couple weeks. I've been to Utah once, to volunteer at Best Friends in Kanab, and it was one of the best weeks of my life. The mountains are gorgeous. The snowboarding is great. I love the dry heat. But once I'm out west awhile, I always start missing green. Leafy trees. Grass. The only thing I never miss is humidity. And though I'm sure my hair will always be perfect when I'm out west, I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to stay out there. Yes, I know, I know, there's lots of other great reasons. But there's also a few cons, and they are really big ones.

So I love you, I miss you, I would love to come visit you and maybe (big maybe) even spend twoish years out there getting a Master's degree, but I don't think you'll ever find me out there permanently. Something tells me that the east coast is where I was meant to be. Or at least for now. =)

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up

Day 14: Someone I've Drifted Away From

Dear P,

Normally when people drift apart, it's a sad story, but I think we're doing ok. I do miss you though. When I think about my time spent at Millersville, yours will be the first face to pop in my mind of true friends that I made there. We were inseperable for a couple years, I remember strangers on campus commenting about that as we passed haha. You helped me through a really hard time. I don't think I ever shared with you all that was going on, but I always admired your confidence. You had suffered through some of the same issues and would talk about it with me, and I never went into detail about mine, but you strengthened me. And on top of that we think alike and have the same tastes about almost everything. You were exactly what I needed in a friend there. You may never read this and never know what you did for me, but I'll never forget you.

We don't see each other much anymore, or talk very often, but you were very important to me once and always will be. Earlier this summer when I helped save your facebook account, I was so happy that after all this time, you still trusted me with passwords and email accounts and all that private information. I was worried it would be awkward or you would want someone else to do it, and I felt relieved to know that trust was still there. I think that incident, as awful as it was, helped solidfy our friendship for me. I know despite growing up and moving on with life, we're still friends. I'm realizing this with a lot of friends lately, and you're no exception. I'm glad for the couple of years we spent together, doing everything together. Thanks for being there. =) Love you!

I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

Day 13: Someone I wish could forgive me

Dear J,

Whenever I think about you, which believe it or not does happen, I feel guilty. And I'm not really sure why. I'm afraid I hurt you much more than I could ever know, and it makes me hurt too. I know things between us didn't go the way you wanted it to, but I did try. When we first started talking online I was really happy about you and told my friends how cute and sweet you were and how I was so excited to meet you and see where things went. But that was just it...I made the effort to find a time to get together, and you kept dragging your feet about it. My friends kept asking me "so when are you meeting this guy?" and I never had anything to tell them. You didn't seem to want to meet me in person. And that's something that for me absolutely has to happen. I'm not having an online relationship. I'm not gonna move for someone I don't even know. And yes we live 2.5 hours apart, which you constantly complained about, but at some point if you want to make things happen, you have to just go for it.

And so what was I to do? You didn't want to meet me. Had you ever once said, "hey I'm free" I would've driven the whole distance to see you. But you never bothered. And then we started talking less. And other boys came into my life. Guys that actually made the effort to meet me. And then occasionally you would message me on facebook, and you were so sweet and so full of compliments (which I greatly appreciate) but there was always this underlying vibe that we were somehow committed to eachother. And I felt so strange, like I was cheating or something. And then one day, months too late, you gave me your phone number and told me to text/call when I felt like it, and I never knew what to do with it. I wanted to talk to you, you have always been so wonderful to me, but I was tired of putting forth effort and not getting anything back. You always left things up to me, when you should've been the one going for it and taking risks to prove that I was worth it. I just had nothing to say anymore.

And then soon after that, I think you realized that there were other people in my life. That I was going out with other guys, and my feelings for you had changed...from being ecstatic at the idea of meeting you to thinking you're just a nice guy and good friend. But in my defense, how can you love someone when you have never had the opportunity to look in their eyes or laugh with them or feel the chemistry and attraction? We've spoken once since then and you seemed really bitter and off, despite all attempts to tell me otherwise. And here I sit, terrified that I just broke someone's heart. If your feelings were really deep, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. If you feel betrayed, please forgive me. I didn't want it to happen this way either. Maybe it wasn't like that at all and I'm worrying over nothing. Just know that I do like you and always appreciated that you were there for me.

I know it's been a month or 2 since we've last spoken, but like I said then, you can always talk to me when you need to. If at any point you find time to hang out, I would be up for it. But you're the one that needs to make that effort. You make the call. You find the time. Not me. You're gorgeous and sweet and sincere. You're smart and ambitious and your future is bright. You're a beautiful person. Believe in yourself and your capabilities.

Sincerely,
Sheridan

You're so vain, I bet you think this post is about you

Just an fyi, I don't hate, though I won't deny I have hated in my past. But I know better now. And so this letter is Day 12: Person who caused me a lot of pain, NOT Day 12: Person I hate the most.

Oh and disclaimer: the only private information I'm sharing is my own to share. All other info is already public. I'm not airing anyone's dirty laundry, nor do I wish to spread rumors. I'm stating fact.


Dear Dh,

the other day I was at a get-together with some old friends and your name came up. And you know, nowadays you never cease to put a smile on my face. This is saying something. There was a time that even hearing your name would make my heart jump up in my throat and I would start visibly shaking because you made me so angry. Now you're a complete stranger to me and hearing about your life is like hearing about someone I've never met. Time heals ALL wounds. Even serious awful ones. And that gives me hope.

I heard you failed out of college, with one semester left. At a school that charges per semester like what, $25,000? Maybe it's even more now, idk. Maybe that's what it costs a year...either way it's a crapton right?So you spent 7 semesters at school, most likely racked up enormous debt, and didn't work hard enough (understatement of the century) to have a degree to show for it. And if you ever want to go back to school, you'll have to start from the beginning, correct? I think it's safe to say almost none of those credits will transfer. And midst all of that you made yourself very unpopular there with a public, awful and sexist comment. And then that very same girl you directed the comment toward ended up overcoming all the obstacles you tried to throw at her and came out on top.

I just had to laugh. And not in that bitter, negative, laughing-at-your-misfortune kind of way. Though I have reason to, that's beneath me. Neither is it because I feel superior or smarter than you. It just really is quite hilarious. Like when you hear about some celebrity who just ALWAYS puts their foot in their mouth or does something dumb, and you laugh and think "what did they do this time?" That kind of thing. I know you won't think so, obviously, because it's your life. But trust me on this one. It's funny. What were you thinking? Were you? It all just seems so unreal. Especially thinking back to the person I knew 6 or 7 years ago who I called my best friend. It honestly feels like that happened 6,000 years ago in some other life.

Heard you cheated on your ex. That made me laugh too, because it didn't surprise me at all. I did feel really sorry for her though. You know, for awhile I thought I would be the only girl in your life you would ever do such a horrific thing to. That for some reason I was a special circumstance. You had me convinced I was low enough that I was the only worthless person you would do that to. But now I realize you treat all girls that way. Who'da thunk? You have not been faithful in any relationship you've ever been in. I'll tell you when I didn't laugh. When I heard speculation (yes, this isn't fact) that you cheated on your ex with your current fiancee. Because I don't care who she is, I don't care that there's not much going on upstairs for her, or that she's stupid enough to think that even though you cheated with her, she's "different" and you'll miraculously stop being a cheater and be loyal to her. She doesn't deserve that, and she won't deserve it 10 years from now when you've driven her hopes and dreams and self-esteem into the ground, leaving her depressed and heartbroken and a single parent, because you felt the need to belittle her and treat her like dirt while running around on her and sleeping with 15 different women. I pray you don't do that to her. I pray you remain faithful and devoted. I pray you love your kids and put them first before thinking of ruining your family to satisfy your physical needs with the president of the homewrecker club. Because even if she is an idiot, your wife deserves that from you. And your kids deserve a loving father who would do anything for them, not a selfish whore.

Surprise me. Be faithful for the first time in your life. If you have kids in the future, love them. Put their needs higher than yours. Be humble. I dare you.


You know what else makes me laugh in that you-cannot-be-serious kind of way? You proclaim to be religious and saintly and think you're up higher and better than lots of people. And in your mind you praise God for loving all the awful confused and sinful people beneath you, like women and homosexuals and Mormons and people who weren't born in this country and little kids and anyone who doesn't believe exactly what you do and the list goes on. And then there's all of us on that list who praise God for having a perfect love for the likes of you, someone the rest of us find so difficult to love. How He does it, no one knows. Despite the people you've hurt and the precious lives you've messed with, He still loves you and wants the best for you. And I can't understand it. As long as I live, I will never be able to love you or like you, or even want to be around you. But it's true. Maybe I'll understand one day.


I hope there's a day somewhere in your future when you'll figure things out, feel sorry for what you've done, and humbly believe in equality. Until then, God love you Dh, because frankly, no one else will.

God Be With You, Til We Meet Again

Day 11: A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

Ok, since I'm the boss of this blog, I've decided not to write a letter for day 11. Why, you ask? Because honestly I'm having way too much trouble trying to figure out a person to write to. I was talking with Mom about it, she said she could think of a bunch of people, but probably because she's older and has lost more. I've been to several funerals in the family. I'm close with people who have lost someone very dear to them. And yet I can't think of a thing I'd like to say to any of them. Weird? Idk. I suppose it's because I believe death isn't the end and we're all gonna be together again one day. So what's there to say now? "Hey. Love you. Miss you. Could you send some well wishes my way? You know, cuz you made it home and I'm still here and it gets really confusing sometimes...I need all the help I can get."

I have yet to lose someone very close to me that I want the chance to talk to one more time. Or someone that I wasn't on the best terms with and just wish I could've apologized and made things right. That hasn't happened yet for me.

The other week when the ysas took a trip to D.C., I saw the Lincoln exhibit at the Museum of American History and also the Lincoln Memorial and decided it would've been really fun to talk to Lincoln...does that count? But still, what could I say in a letter to him? "Umm, hi Mr. President, you were one of the greatest presidents in history and have some of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read." He's prolly up there going "yeah, I know...I rocked that". Nah I bet he's super-humble.

Am I being rude or unfeeling right now? I don't mean to. I know death is hard and one day it will really hit me...even knowing they're in a better place, there's gonna be people I'll miss desperately. But I guess the point of this post is, with the exception of a pet, it hasn't yet.

Give it some time. A few more years; a few more life experiences. It'll show up one day. And the hurt and loss will be so crippling and unbearable, and I'll look back on this post and be furious with myself, wishing I could go back to a time like this. Love the people in your lives with your entire heart. Give it away freely. You don't know how long those people will be with you, whether taken by death or ripped from you by grudges and hurt feelings. Love them, tell them how much you appreciate them, thank God for them.

Miss You

Dear J,

Funny that you're the person I wish I could see and talk to more, because I just talked to you on the phone last week, and will most likely be spending lots of time with you next weekend at the wedding, if you decide to go. But in normal life, it's not often we hear from each other, thanks to 4 hour distance and busy lives. But I do miss you and care about how you're doing and think of you often, I hope you know that. No matter what happens in life you'll always have your silly old friends from back in the day. As me and S were talking about the other day, we went through the ugly stages together...growing up, middle school, high school, drama, school dances, going to see Harry Potter together with eye-liner lightning scars drawn on our heads. You name it. Even when we're old and grown and far away, I'll think back on those years of my life and think of you and be grateful that you were a part of it and we shared those years together. So when things get tough and you're feeling sad, remember little old me is thinking of you. Love you dearest. =)

Day 9: Someone I Wish I Could Meet

Hi Pres. Monson,

you don't know me, but in my world we're best friends. You make me feel better when I'm sad, tell the most fantastic stories, give me hope, help me to believe in myself, move me to tears, put a smile on my face and make me laugh. When I hear your voice, I immediately feel like someone just took me by the hand and lifted me up to higher ground, so I see a bit more clearly.

You have this effect on people all over the world. You make everyone feel like a million bucks without ever seeing us in person. I like to imagine that if I ever met you, you'd be jovial, and caring, and truly interested in me. Your love of people as an entire group, no exceptions, is inspiring. And I love that what everyone will remember you for is your desire to leave the 99 and go after the 1 missing. Because occasionally, I'm that lost one. But most often, I'm in the crowd and I'm where I should be, but all my hurts and worries and fears and crying and praying goes to the wandering lost ones in my life. It's comforting to know you understand.

Thank you thank you thank you for your service and all you do. I can't begin to know how much stress and burdens and responsibilities are upon you, but I pray that they are lightened and you remain joyful and healthy.

Love,
Sheridan

If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start, but I'd rather you let me give my heart

Dear friends,

I can't think of a single person that I talk to online and haven't met in person who I could call an "internet friend". So I'm writing to all the wonderful people in my life who unfortunately I rarely get to see and have to resort to the internet as a means of keeping up with them. Thanks for the love, the support, and the comments. Thanks for blog-stalking and facebook-stalking and caring about my life. Thanks for feeling sad cuz I'm sad and being happy cuz I'm happy. And for believing in me and always being on my side. I guess I kind of like you and appreciate you. Maybe. Just a little. ;)



Oh ok, you guys are beautiful and saintly and I probably don't even deserve you. But here I am, blessed with great people in my life. Yay. =)

Love, Me

You Make Me Smile

Day 7: Letter to an ex

Dear J,

I know you're not really an ex, more like an ex-"fling" of sorts, if you can even call it that, but I decided to write to you anyway. I'm glad we're friends now, and that we were able to put aside all the ridiculous rumors/truths that we heard about each other and try to figure each other out for ourselves. That's a really difficult thing to do. You're a good guy, but I'm glad we decided to be just friends. It was clearly the right choice. Although I hafta admit, if we had actually dated, it would have been HILARIOUS to see the reactions of all the people from our previous place of employment. I'm pretty positive it would've caused an uproar and their minds would've been completely blown. Can you imagine? Haha...but oh well, it wasn't meant to be. And I like where we are. Even though we don't talk much or see each other ever, I know we're cool. Thanks again for not believing everything you hear and trying to get to know me anyway. That meant a lot, and it made me feel better.

Life is a highway

Day 6: Letter to a Stranger

Dear random guy in the car next to me on the highway,

you are one of many. Today, we pulled away from being stopped at a red light on the highway, and I was in the left lane trying to speed up to my usual. And then I start getting neck in neck with you, and apparently it would be such an awful horrific thing in your life if someone passed you (in the proper lane) so you take off in front of me. Cool. Did I do anything about it? Nope. Sorry to be a big party-pooping disappointment by not trying to catch you. This happens to me on a daily basis...some stupid kid in an old, unimpressive (often beat-up and ugly) car tries to race with me, or doesn't like being passed, or does that creepy thing where they stay right aside of me and won't go away. At least once a day. So I'm really sorry, but you're nothing new and kind of just SUPER annoying.

Maybe, MAYBE if A. this didn't happen all the time, 2. you actually had a nice car worth racing against or D. you weren't some retard that tries to flirt with girls you'll never see again by leaving them in your dust (which is precisely why you'll never see them again, making it completely pointless) then I might race with you.

So I apologize that in the 4 seconds you were in my life and I didn't even see your face, I found you to be really lame. I know I'm just that irresistible with the wind blowing in my hair in my little civic hybrid singing to my music, and you just feel the need to do something to try and impress me, but next time, try to pass it up. And word of advice, if you're trying to find a girl, go look for her at a party or somewhere fun or even online for goodness sake. Don't try to woo someone you're driving by, because the situation makes it impossible, and you suck at it.

Dream On

Day 5: Dreams

Dear daydreams,

I'm writing to you, because 80% of the nighttime dreams I remember are nightmarish and awful, and who wants to write to them anyway? You're much more fun. So daydreams...I have quite a few of you. Most of you are about my future. What school I'm gonna go to and when. What degree I'll go back for. My future career. I just want the typical happy life ya know? Go to school, work, find him, get married, try and figure out life together. Have cute babies. Work some more. Complain about work. Love work. Help people and change lives. Spend time with family and friends in someone's backyard on a deck while our kids run wild. And hopefully do some of that before there are kids to run wild. In one word, I want contentment. Or stability, that's another good one. Knowing that what's happening in my life was meant to be and that even when it's tough, things will be ok.

That's what you're all about, daydreams. But you wanna know what's great? No matter how much my mind wanders and I think about all these things and how I'd like it to be...what's actually going to happen is gonna be so much greater than I can possibly imagine. Things won't go exactly according to you or what I think. And that's the way it should be. How boring would life be if it exactly followed the plans we had, always getting what we want? Sometimes we don't even know what we want/what's good for us. And that's why reality will be even better. That includes struggle and monotony and suffering. It will all be perfectly as it should be. Because that's life, and it'll be mine. And as much as I like to meet up with you throughout the day and think about it, it's still just fun and games. Because I can't know how it will really play out.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with my rendezvousing with you about future events. In fact, it's quite healthy, and I will continue doing it on a daily basis. I just have to keep in mind that even though you're really fun and I like you a lot, real life will be different, but unthinkably better. It's a win-win situation. Yay!

Yours Truly