What to know about driving in Philly

I've lived in Philly for a couple months now, and here's what I've seen so far, several times.

Per day.

1.) Need to park? Stop right where you are in the middle of a busy road, put your 4-ways on, and leave your car there. Or, don't turn your 4-ways on. Just sit there and confuse the crap out of everyone.

2.) If you are the first one stopped at a red light, you will get honked at. There's no avoiding it. No matter how much you pay attention, watch the light, and according to your own judgment, gun it the second it turns green, there WILL be someone behind you with a super-human reaction time. And they will be completely irate that you are taking FOR-EV-ER to go.

3.) Come to think of it, a true Philly driver never stops at a red light. You slow down to .15 mph and inch brake inch brake inch brake inch brake inch brake inch brake inch brake inch brake inch brake inch until the light is green and you're already basically through the intersection. Either that or you slow down to .0025 mph and c  r  a  w  l       s   l   o   o   o   o   w   l   y   until the light turns green.

3.) Never take 76 into the city. Just. Don't. Do it. Unless that is, you are very much not claustrophobic, have nothing to do, and enjoy heavy traffic moving 2 miles per 3 hours.

4.) Going straight and there's a long line of traffic in front of you going the same way? Look to your left and right. Are there empty left or right turn only lanes? An exit or on ramp? Or perhaps enough space at the side of the road to fit your car? Well, OBVIOUSLY you should swerve around and book it down one of these, pass 15 cars patiently waiting, and cut someone off to merge back in. Totally acceptable. Congratulations, you just moved 50 yards. Or in true Philadelphian fashion, don't bother to use the correct lane at all. Example: By PCOM, there is a stop light where most people turn right at, and so it has it's own right turn lane. Most of the time, a lot of cars are in that lane. I constantly see cars fly by using the straight lane and then turn their blinker on and expect everyone to let them in at the front of the line, like they didn't know better. And what's worse, people DO let them in. Sometimes instead of the "oh I'm in the wrong lane and I didn't know any better" act, they just squeeze through, fly past and go. On a red light, into oncoming traffic. Giving me panic attacks from all the near-accidents I've witnessed.

5.) New Jersey drivers. No, no they're everywhere! The horror! (And they are ALL, every last one of them, terrible drivers. This is no stereotype.)

6.) Look up an address on google maps, "oh, it's only 2 miles away from me, I'll get there in no time." WRONG. Give yourself half an hour. And even then you'll probably walk in 5 minutes late.

7.) Only in Philadelphia will you see Maseratis, Bentleys, and other "holy crap, a _____________" kind of car...pulling into a Target parking lot, or randomly driving around the ghetto. Umm, what?

8.) It doesn't matter if you're on a 4-lane highway and you're driving pretty darn fast, people walk across the roads EVERYWHERE. Standing in the middle, no cross walks in sight, acting like they own the road.

9.) Wanna go to some place that's located near center city? Legal parking is nonexistent, unless you're willing to parallel park 8 blocks away on some sketchy little side street in front of someone's house and walk, OR pay at least $20/hour. Moral of the story: if you can help it, don't drive.


And on a somewhat related note, what is with men in their mid-20s driving "pimped-out" Honda Civics around and acting like they're the shiz? I have seen 3 in the past month. No matter the size of the spoiler you add to it, the shiny-ness of your rims, or the decibel level of your muffler, this does not change the fact that you sir, are driving a girl car. And if you want to argue that it's not a girl car, it IS a reliable dinky little 4-cylinder with an engine the size of my fist that gets amazing gas mileage. So if that's what you bought it for, cool. It is NOT, however, a turbo-charged meant-for-racing Subaru. It's not even an Si. So stop driving around like it is and you think girls should throw their panties at you as you drive by. "Oh, a dirty old Honda Civic, be still my heart!" said no girl. EVER.

Annnyways, I still love it here. But driving to and from work each day sure provides some entertainment and/or heart palpitations.