Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

He knows our needs, to our weakness is no stranger

Happy Christmas Eve friends!!

I celebrate Jesus, His birth, His life, His love, His atonement, His teachings and gospel.

Here are a few videos from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints that explain my feelings better than I can. Enjoy!







I love that this last one doesn't use any words, just music and feelings. =)



Monday, December 5, 2011

The Santa Blog

The other day I got to thinking about the whole American tradition of taking your kid to go sit on some mall/fire hall/department store Santa's lap, make a big deal about it, insist that he's really Santa, force your kids to think of things that they want so they're ready to tell him, take pictures...

And I decided it's really, really weird. Here's why:

When I was a kid, I believed in Santa. I still do. =) I believed there was a jolly old being out there who lived at the North Pole and was omniscient...knew my thoughts, desires, ambitions, hopes, and dreams (and what I wanted for Christmas of course) and loved me and cared about me and would bring me presents on Christmas. I believed in it all. I didn't have to see him to know that he existed. That being said...

I sat on many a Santa's lap as a kid. And every time, every single time, whether I was 7 or even 3, I sat there thinking "this is kind of a weird experience...why do I have to do this? This isn't Santa. This is some random guy pretending to be the real Santa. You don't actually SEE Santa. I don't need to tell some weird fake Santa what I want, the real one already knows, because he knows my heart and knows me." Those were the thoughts that ran through my head, every time I had to sit on some dude's lap who I clearly knew was not the real thing. Especially if he smelled like beef and cheese hahha. Or had smoker's breath, or just didn't have an innocent, pure enough face. I hated it. For as long as I can remember, the whole thing was just strange to me. I got a free box of candy and an orange though, I guess that made it worth it.


Was I the only kid that thought this way? And if I wasn't, then why the heck do we do the whole "let's go make our kids sit on Santa's lap at the mall" thing? Kids hearts are full of believing faith and their imaginations are incredible. They don't have to see him to know he's real, or know that he'll never fail them (except ya know...when you don't get the present you really wanted. Once we grow up we understand that a little better. =) ). Maybe it's just out of tradition and for the cute pictures to send with Christmas cards (the one last year of my nephew ready to bawl his eyes out cuz he was so terrified was priceless, for example). Or maybe I was a strange kid. Very likely. Either way, I still think it's weird.





And will probably be seen at a mall in 10 years giggling over my kids getting their picture taken on Santa's lap.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Gratitude

It's the last day of November and I never got around to doing my "what I'm thankful for" post. I have 2.5 hours to get it done. Heweigo....

30 things for each day of this month:

1. family

Yes, the typical first response. But honestly, that's what life is all about.

2. friends

Ah, friends. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love and appreciate and enjoy the company of wonderful friends in my life. They mean the world to me.

3. my job

My job has given me so much. Experience, a chance to increase my knowledge and figure out where to go next, friends, how-to's in dealing with autism, defiance, mental retardation, bad behavior, highly agitated agressive individuals, and people who you don't like/don't like you haha. A client who I'll never ever forget. And I'm now fully prepared for motherhood in the whole nothing-in-the-entire-world-grosses-me-out-anymore kind of way as to bodily functions, fluids, etc. I've seen it all.

4. prayer

Nothing soothes me more or brings me more comfort and peace.

5. missionaries

They're out there all over the world sacrificing life for a little while for a most noble cause. Changing lives and changing themselves. And I love them for it. Here's to you Josh, Aaron, Juan, Nate, Caleb, Austin, and all other friends serving. (And also service missionaries too...I've learned to appreciate service missions recently, since hopefully I'll be doing one soon with the church's ARP! I'm really excited...but more on that later.)

6. my trusty car

She's been so good to me. =)

7. music

When you can't find the words to say.

8. food

And with that, the consumption of food. Such a wonderful thing haha.

9. the joy of cooking

I'm grateful to know a little about cooking, and to so thoroughly enjoy doing it. Definitely a hobby of mine.

10. my bed

Also, sleeping. Sometimes, when I first crawl in my bed at nite, it's so comfy and warm and wonderful, I say out loud, "I love you bed."

11. movies

I don't even know what to say about this...I love movies. I basically cry at some point in every one I've ever watched...isn't it cool the emotions it can bring out in you? The whole watching experience is awesome to me.

12. my sense of smell

I'm thinking this probably has to do with the fact I'm a complete glutton, and smell is most closely related to taste and just goes along with the whole eating process. Also the whole location in the brain/memory thing. But really I'm just a fat kid.

13. the Christmas spirit

and Christmas music and everything else about the season too. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

14. sunshine, and LIGHT in general

after the rainiest grossest fall/year EVER, and with the shortest day of the year upon us, I've come to really appreciate things that bring light in my life, and sunshiney days

15. laughing

definitely one of my favorite things to do

16. people who make me laugh

this includes basically everyone...I laugh at everything

17. not having to ever take the GRE again!

WOOOOOOOOOHOO.

18. little kids and what I learn from them

amidst the bluntness, lack of filters, the short attention span, the temper tantrums...are little people that exercise God-like attributes like no one else can

19. cute clothes

I'm a girl...I enjoy a great pair of jeans, shirts that make the green in my eyes stick out, SHOES most definitely, and above all, FINDING IT ALL FOR CHEAP haha

20. cute boys

=)

21. difficult experiences

I learn so much. If it weren't for poop experiences, I wouldn't learn, grow, progress, appreciate the good things, and prove my character, desires, and hopes.

22. paramedics, nurses, therapists, mental health workers and other selfless people who save lives and teach valuable skills

The lives of several people I know and love have been saved recently because of them.

23. dancing

I'm not very good, but when I'm happy it just kinda happens.

24. Harry Potter

Other good reads too. Can't imagine my life without being able to dive into another world for awhile thru a book.

25. second chances

I'm really good at judging and/or disliking someone right off the bat. And some of my now most dear and wonderful friends, were once those people. I can think of a good handful of them that this has happened in the past year. And it's been the most humbling and incredible experience to be given the chance to love them again the way I should, and they've been so forgiving and understanding and love me anyway. Makes me feel really small, and really blessed at the same time.

26. forgiveness

One of my favorite quotes, to err is human, to forgive divine.

27. the fact that (as of now) I'm cool with aging because so far, I like myself better every year

Had this discussion with Mom the other day. The gray hair that in the past 3 months has decided to grow exponentially on my head I could do without haha. But as far as age as a number...don't care! Cuz every year when I look back on my experiences and how far I've come, I feel so blessed and am sooo grateful for where I am and where I'm going.

28. the Book of Mormon

No, this is not a cheesy attempt to be preachy. It's the honest truth. It's changed my life, and in fact since I'm currently reading it, changing my life every day. It makes me feel better, happier, there's more clarity. Helps me get through difficult situations and lots of discouragement. I wake up in the morning and I'm in a good mood. That doesn't always just happen for me.

29. sessions of "remember when" with old friends

Had one of these recently via facebook about a trip to Mexico I went on my senior year of high school. It just makes you feel so good, gives you a lot of laughs, ya know?

30. my blog

Also, the internet. And my laptop. Anywho, I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my blog. It's been such a great outlet. Helps me clear up the jumble of thoughts in my head. Documents my life because I'm a terrible journal-er. It's just been really great.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I believe in miracles

MY GRAD APPS ARE ALL DONE! MY GRAD APPS ARE ALL DONE! WOOOOHOO.

What a week. Holy goodness.

It all began about a week and a half ago actually when I decided I was finally ready to take the GRE, expecting that I could just sign up for the next day or so and there would still be space. Well, there wasn't space...for anywhere within a 150 mile radius, until December or January. Minor freaking out ensued. I needed to take the thing asap. However, I happened to be online at the right time to notice that a space became available for Saturday the 19th at 8AM at a testing center near Philly, and despite the distance and how early that meant getting up, I took it. Really didn't have any other choice. Plus I decided I would be making a definite stop at King of Prussia on my way home for a celebratory massive slice of cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.

So then over the next few days I started realizing how much I still had to do to get this applying out of the way, starting with recommendation letters. Here's how clueless I am about the whole thing: I honestly had to google "how to request a recommendation letter" to learn the proper requesting etiquette. Found a good answer, and spent an entire evening crafting emails to several professors and a supervisor requesting letters. Next step, waiting to see if they agree to do it.

The first response came the next morning. Right after I woke up, I check my email, only to discover a nasty turn down from a professor who had been my advisor, known me better than most, and I once respected (until that morning, pretty much) who in her wonderfully passive-aggressive way decided to not just decline, but take a few stabs at me personally. How kind. I read it and this is what happened next... *sniff**sniff* that was so *sniffle* MEAN. *tears start welling up* Pull yourself together, it'll be ok. *wipes under my eyes* It'll be ok. I asked other professors, I'll be fine. But WOW she didn't have to be so awful. *long drawn out sniffle-sob* I never knew she had a problem with me, I always thought we got along. *hiccup** a few tears spill over* OMG ALL MY PROFESSORS HATED ME I'M NEVER GETTING INTO GRAD SCHOOL EVERRRRRR.

Dramatic, I know. But it was a harsh start. (Don't worry, I've forgiven her. Not everyone will like you in life.) Response #2 came about 20 minutes later from another professor, and he was so sweet and kind, complimenting me on what a great student I had been and how willing he was to write for me. And this is what happened next... *FULL BLOWN CRYING HYSTERICALLY* Awww he's so nice, thank you Dr. ______, THANK YOU. *sob*sob*

Haha I was an emotional rollercoaster. Response 3 and 4 came a little later, and they were both like #2. And I ended up appreciating them more, because of the first one. So all was well in the world of my recommendations. Except, I never knew all the effort it took for every little step in this process. Printing out forms, filling out forms, waiving rights, pre-stamping and addressing envelopes, sending it all out to your recommenders. One of my profs requested that I send all this extra stuff like my personal statement, which made me realize "Ahh, I haven't even written that yet!" So I said a little prayer and that very day sat down and just typed that thing out like nobody's business haha. 3 pages of my academic and professional history in psychology and why I'm awesome. ;)

So while all that was going on, so was the studying, prepping, studying, and prepping for the GRE. And quickly the day arrived. Here's where the story gets good. I wake up at 4:45AM. Get ready. Noticed that I felt a little bloated and wasn't hungry, attributed it to nerves and the fact that I'm never hungry right away when I wake up, and ate a little anyway. (Breakfast is important, people.) And I'm on my merry way to the testing center before the sun's even up. I also had been noticing since I got up that I felt, what's a good word for it, woozy? Dizzy and kinda light-headed? Couldn't figure out what that was about, just hoped it would go away. I get to the testing center, ready to kick that 4.5-hour test's butt. End up having to wait forever cuz there was a thousand people there, and finally start the dang thing half an hour late. I zip through the first section (the 2 essays) no problem. Start the second section, math, and started noticing more pronounced bouts of the weird fuzziness in my head. Prayed that it would go away, tried to do my best. Third section, verbal. A dull headache begins manifesting itself. Prayed that it would go away, managed to keep concentrating, felt really good about that section. 10-minute break time. Hallelujah. Still feeling slightly on the verge of passing out, I went to the bathroom to put my head down. Noticed that I had color in my face just fine and I remember thinking "why does my head feel like this then, what the heck is wrong with me?" Told myself it's half over, prayed that I'd feel well enough to get through the test, went back in, sat down, thought to myself "let's do this". Fourth section, math again. Not the greatest mathematician, so once again, just did the best I could whilst battling a fuzzy, achey head. Fifth section, verbal. An important one, because that's what psychology programs care about. Began having serious trouble concentrating and kept catching myself holding my head in my hand because it took effort not to, and started realizing my head was now not only fuzzy and achey, but warm. ("Am I getting a fever?") For the millionth time, prayed that I would make it through and get the scores I need. By the end of that section, I was pretty certain that not only did I just bomb it but why, yes yes, this isn't just nerves and the room's not hot, I am feverish and feel really awful! Sixth and final section, the supposed "experimental" section that doesn't count, math. In past years they didn't tell you which one was the experimental so you wouldn't just screw it up on purpose, and so I wasn't sure if this one definitely was and wanted to do the best I could. But 5 minutes into it, it hit me like a ton of bricks- I feel like I'm going to pass out, but I'm about to barf. Booked it outta the room, had to wait for the lady to find my name in the book so I could sign out, signed out (stupid security precautions), ran down the first hall into the lobby area, grabbed the bathroom key (because of course, they keep a 4-stall public bathroom locked), ran down 2 more hallways to the bathroom, took what felt like an hour fumbling with the stupid key, made it in there (oh thank goodness) and grossness ensued- all in a matter of 30 seconds. I'll leave out the details. Suffice it to say, SO GROSS. And so unexpected- like really, what happened to, oh I don't know, your stomach hurting when it's upset? 12 minutes later I returned, thinking "of all things I imagined, never thought THAT would happen".  Felt like crap, didn't even care anymore, attempted to answer the questions with the little time I had left but thought they were insanely difficult and skipped over half of them, and then it was all over. I was already preparing excuses in my head to tell admissions people why my scores were bad. But then 10 seconds later I got my scores, and they were better than I could've hoped for given the circumstances. They actually reached the goal I had set previously. Which caused the tears to well up, I was so relieved, and grateful.

Sadly I couldn't get my "yay! the GRE's over!" cheesecake, not only because it made me sick thinking about it but because after stopping at a KOP parking lot I literally did not have the energy or strength to get out of my car and walk into the mall. It was a struggle just to drive home. But make it home I did, and spent the rest of the weekend completely incapacitated. (Still not over it actually...just started eating again a couple hours ago, wish me luck.) So with awe and amazement I look back on that test and thank God that He answered my 10 million prayers and got me through that thing. And that I got the scores I needed. AND that I didn't get sick sooner, which would've made me unable to take the test at all, I would've forfeited all that money, and wouldn't have been able to reschedule the test until too late. ANNND that I got thru the entire week and was able to accomplish an incredible amount. Because now,

MY APPS ARE FINISHED, COMPLETE, ALL NEEDED PARTS IN TRANSIT OR TAKEN CARE OF!!! yay. Much to be thankful for.

And THAT is the story of how this girl came down with the stomach flu in the middle of one of the most important and most expensive tests of her life. =)



As for grad schools, now all I gotta do is wait, the ball is in their court.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

My big dream

So, the other week a friend asked me what's on my bucket list, and I had to admit...I don't really have one. How weird am I? At least not one I've ever taken the time to document anywhere. Anyway, I sort of have this dream, it's kind of always been in the back of my mind since the 9th grade, but lately won't leave my brain alone. And I've decided it belongs on my bucket list. Except, I'm pretty sure it's kind of a pre-having kids things or it'll prolly never happen.

I wanna be the star of a musical. Or at least a larger role. And my really really big dream within this dream...is to play not just anyone, but Marguerite from the Scarlet Pimpernel. My favorite story, favorite musical, favorite heroine. If you don't know the story or the music, FIND IT. It's beautiful. I literally dreamt I was performing this on stage the other nite, this is how much I've been thinking about it.

I haven't been on stage (acting) since high school, and I'm starting to itch.

And back then I had no balls and no confidence or self-esteem to think I could do something like that. Times have changed. I'm a little different and I think a little different. I know better. And no one can put me down, stifle my dreams, or hold me back! Except, ya know, the people I audition for. =) May I also point out that the put me down line is from Wicked and I did that unintentionally...this musical thing is literally all over my subconcious.

So look out community theaters in nearby areas of Pennsylvania, here I come!

Would you come see me in a musical? ;)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

My Love Life: A Proclamation to Whoever's Reading This

Alright guys, I need to blog something that's been on my mind since...Saturday, I think, before I explode. My little proclamation to the people in my life.

I will need to choose my words carefully, so as not to offend any of my friends who I know mean well, and so as to not reveal private information. And also just because I've learned in life that the phrase "some things are better left unsaid" applies to 98% of what you say when your emotions are high.

And mine are high. I'm feeling really frazzled and annoyed and confused.

The proclamation is three-fold:

1. Do not, I repeat do NOT give me boy advice. Unless I come to you about it.

I don't want it, I don't need it. I DO need someone to talk to who won't judge me or try to convince me that how they feel about the situation is the right way to go. And who will keep things confidential. Good gravy I just described a therapist.

2. Stop trying to hook me up with every guy in the history of the world.

What the heck? I'm only 20 freakin 3, and I don't need to become some project. I could get anyone if I wanted to, settle for someone and be married in a few months, but this is the most important decision in my life and I'm gonna be real careful about who I pick. I know what I'm doing, I don't need your help...I have more offers and options than I care to think about, and I love someone currently and seriously dating someone else would not be fair for either the new guy or me at this point. SO GET OFF MY BACK.

3. On the matter of opinions:

A. Do not pity me because I love someone who doesn't love me back on the same level, or because you and your missionary are so barfy-in love and planning your wedding already and I'm not.

I recognize it and it doesn't bother me. That's no reason to just drop someone and stop loving them. Stop thinking you know better than me. This is MY LIFE. Ugh I feel like such a teenager saying that. Love is patient, love is not easily angered, love envieth not, love believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love gives with no thought of getting anything back, and isn't discouraged when all it gets is negative feedback. I recognize the age gap is big and the maturity gap even bigger. I'm not afraid. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket or worrying about it. I'm not being naive or stupid. I'm not irrationally expecting him to be as perfect as Jesus when he gets home in 2 years. I'm trying to love one of my best friends with a real, true, charity-like love. And I refuse to treat the relationship like it means nothing and it's not important and disrespect him in such a way. I realize some of you have known him all your lives, but I know him too. I know how he really feels, I know how he is, I know. And I love him, so deal.

B. Do not gossip or judge me and call me any of the following: slut/skank/whore/etc because I'm "waiting for a missionary" and I'm dating other guys. Do NOT ever let the gossipy stinging words come out of your mouth that I must not really love or care about him.

My missionary is my best friend right now, and that's it. And since neither of us are positive of our future, what do you think I'm gonna do? Sit and pine and be miserable? Of course not. I need to go figure out if other guys are or aren't right, so eventually I can know for sure if he is or isn't. You have no idea how much I love him. Enough to recognize and know what he needs, where he is and the potential he has. Enough to support him and pray for him and want whats best for him, even though he may not appreciate me at all or write me very often. Enough to realize that a fickle young heart might never love me back like I want him to or treat me like I deserve, and I love anyway.

C. When I've made a decision, don't discourage me, support me.

For the past 2 months, all I've gotten from practically everyone but my mom and my young women's leader from back in the day is doubt, discouragement, hopelessness, and confusion. Those aren't fruits of the spirit guys, I'm just sayin'. He hasn't even been gone quite 2 months yet and the toll this has taken on me emotionally is almost too hard to bear.

Support me for goodness sake...you're my loved ones.





I know this song is more about separation from death, but something about it mends a part of my heart right now.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Momma, what's all that white stuff?

If anyone knows where that post title comes from, you and I are most definitely kindred spirits.

My Halloween week in pictures:


The pumpkins Mom and I carved...I made the owl. I really like the star shapes on the wall.



Salem on her favorite chair on the porch. She's so fuzzy and cute.



Owl cupcakes I made for our work competition. I ended up tying for first place.



Thank you, rain, for bringing immense amounts of nasty things like slugs to my front door step. 'Preciate it.



Received in the mail an "I'm sorry I was bad" letter from a 3-year-old young man I teach at church. I was still giggling half an hour later.



We got at least 10 or more inches of snow at our Tuckahoe conference last weekend. Insanity.



But really pretty.



And certainly an adventure, considering we lost power Saturday morning and never got it back, had to completely change all of our plans, and got stranded there for awhile because whole trees were falling all over camp and across the roads.



Here's "the castle" cabin I stayed at. I love this camp. It also has a pirate ship and a fort.



A game of Apples to Apples I ended up winning after playing the Helen Keller card with the adjective: touchy-feely. I was pretty proud of that.



Me and 2 others getting duct-taped to the wall to see who would stick the longest.



A hilarious game of post-it note Twister.



My Bellatrix Lestrange costume.  Finally got out of my costume-block that I blogged about a couple months ago. You can find it here. P.S. I really love those boots...thanks Susanne. ;)



I put a spell on you.



My costume won first place. =)











Friends at the costume dance. The transformers took first place in the group category. And the girl's Hagrid costume was epic, she got 2nd place in the single category.


The only picture I could find of my decorations.



And last but best, a beautiful sunrise Sunday morning at Camp Tuckahoe.

Other activities the past few weeks have included: eating candy, apple crisp, and pumpkin cheesecake. going trick or treating to my grandma's cuz she gets sad that no one comes to their house. going to Field of Screams with my friends Shannon and Ian and having a spectacular time. Going to Jason's Woods for the first time with Ian to compare. Lots of scary movie watching. And prepping and buying decorations for Tuckahoe, which has left me a tired girl. So I'm calling it a nite. Enjoy the pictures.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Anything that's worth anything takes work

Soo I've dropped off the face of the blogging earth. I'll be back. Soon. I hope. If I ever make it through the grad school application process.

I've narrowed the list down to 5-6 schools. My future area of residence starting next summer and continuing for a year, perhaps longer, will most likely be one of the following: western PA, Philly or nearby areas, Lancaster, or Newark Delaware.

I've been studying my little tushy off for the GRE, and am making it a goal to take it NO LATER than November 11th. Ugh. I've seriously gone through my book and feel like there's not much more I can learn from it, other than 284789872692 vocabulary words, but when I go through the GRE drills, I'm terrible. Like really, really terrible. I think I'm doomed. On the bright side, they literally just finished major changes to the test and how it's scored (and I mean MAJOR...it used to be like the SAT, now scores range from 2-7), starting a month or 2 ago, so maybe even if I do really bad, schools won't know what to do with the new scoring system and they won't care as much about it, HA. I can only hope.

I haven't begun my 2-3 page letter of intent/personal statement...I mean, really? This stuff is so tedious and stupid. Why do you want to apply to our program? Because I want to be a school psychologist, and your program has the one year Master's degree prior to the 2-year certification that I'm looking for to do so. Why do you want to be a school psychologist? Because I enjoy working with children and families and have worked as a TSS in a school setting for 2 years. The end. Why do I have to drag that out?

I've thought about who to ask to write letters of recommendation, but haven't made a definite decision yet. And need to, stat, to give each person plenty of time. I'm seriously beginning to think this is the hardest part of the whole process, even over the stupid GRE. Who do I ask? College professors I haven't seen or talked to in 3 years? Supervisors who barely know anything about me? Friends and/or fellow church leaders who know me really well but don't know anything about school psychology and why I should be accepted into a program?

Oh, and then there's the filling out of online applications, paying to send my transcripts everywhere, and paying the stupid $50 app fee just to apply. Once again, really? As if everything else weren't tedious enough, and the cost per credit hour to attend your school wasn't enough, let me first deplete my bank account just applying to places.

This degree better be freakin' worth it, I'm just sayin'.

And when I'm finally, FINALLY a school psychologist I better be dancing around my office every single day yelling "I LOVE MY JOB THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIIIIIFE".

Or maybe not. But please God let me at least like it most days and have super-cool kids to hang out with?


So that's why I haven't been around much. My nose has been in a GRE prep book. Couldn't be more thrilled.



If anyone reading this has gone through this before...advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ok, venting = done.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Hellooo October

Happy October!!!




This is my very very favorite time of year. Things that I love:

cooler weather

sweatshirts

pumpkin spice candles

baseball playoffs

baking delicious things (but that's pretty much year-round)

my church's General Conference

candy corn

bonfires

pumpkin carving

jack-o-lanterns

decorating for fall and halloween

planning and putting together my halloween costume

scary movies

haunted hayrides and places like Field of Screams (went there last nite for the first time in a few years, had sooo much fun)

corn mazes

apple cider and donut holes

pretty much everything apple-y

and everything pumpkin-tasting too, especially pumpkin rolls with cream cheese icing

our church young adult group's big weekend-long Halloween party at Tuckahoe

costume dances and parties and contests

leaves changing and all the fall prettiness

And lots more, I love everything! Except the rain...the rain can go. I might not be so hostile to it were it not for the fact it's been raining. And raining. And raining. Since...I can't even remember. A month or two ago? Yesterday they forcasted this weekend to be clear and cool. Guess what it's doing? Raining.

Anywhooo, yay autumn! What are some of your favorite fall and/or Halloween things?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

When life throws you a curve ball, hit a homer

Oy, where to begin. I'll start with the first thought on my mind. I said goodbye to him this week. And not exactly in the way I expected to. I'm not going to bare every little detail of this story, for one because some things in a relationship are a private matter, and for two because I know how many people will read this, read it the wrong way, and spread rumors to everyone they know.

But I will be honest. Sometimes I feel like my life is one giant "here's an example of things going wrong". And that's ok, because those experiences shape me into who I am and later on down the road I realized it was for the best. But when I found this guy, I didn't want things to go wrong anymore. I've read so many stories of people finding the right person and everything after that just works out perfectly and life is happily ever after. Is it really that way? Or do people just never want to share the times when things sucked? Because let me tell you, I know some things are private, but people really shouldn't be afraid to let others know that in a relationship, it isn't always perfect. Even when you're with Mr. Right. Because when they don't, it makes the rest of us feel like something's wrong with us. It makes you doubt that what you have is real, or who you're with is the right one, because you think things should never go wrong if that's the case. And it's a fine line...how do you know if you should be fighting to overcome it or looking for someone else?

I realize Just Married is a funny, but not that fabulous romcom and you wouldn't expect any worthwhile advice to be found in it, but there's this one scene near the end that I love. The father of Ashton Kutcher's character tells him that one low point in a relationship doesn't mean you should give up and say its over, and he pulls out a photo album and explains that it only shows the happy moments, but the bad, difficult moments in the relationship are what get you from picture to picture, and happy moment to happy moment.

The past 3 or so weeks kind of sucked. And it couldn't have happened at a more inopportune moment. The stress of him leaving for 2 years just made it worse. And it gave us no time to figure out, umm let's see, ANYTHING about what we should do and what was right and just left us very, very confused. And though the last time we saw each other and said our goodbyes was on a higher note, I still can't help but feel really disappointed, because that's not the way I wanted this to go. And really scared, because I don't know what the future holds now when I used to be so sure a couple months ago. And really angry, because I screwed this up, and he screwed this up, and we as one thing screwed this up.

That being said, when it started to go down hill I did a lot of praying and fasting and thinking about it, and felt totally at peace with the situation. I haven't been upset or angry or scared since. I just know it'll be ok, I can't really explain it any more than that. And so I've decided to write him because he's still my friend. Our relationship will continue to grow. But anything else, any future, any romantic feelings coming back, any commitment, how he feels or will feel about it...that's a big question mark. And that's ok.

I've grown. My world's not shattered, at all. In fact I don't think I've ever felt more ok with a break up. I know and trust that whatever happens, is for the best. And so even if it hurts a little and seems like it was just a no good terrible situation that happened at the wrong time, I know that whoever I end up with, him or someone else, whatever the future looks like, it will be better because of this experience. I know he is in the best place he possibly could be, learning and growing and maturing in all the ways he needs to be, and that gives me great comfort. And I know that I have nothing but amazing memories and love for him. Two years is a long time, yes. There will be other guys in my life, yes. People change a lot, yes. Things will most definitely not happen the way I expect, oh yes.

But no matter what it will be freaking awesome, because it's my life.



Feel free to share stories if you got 'em. =)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

At McDonald's...

So, I'm on day 3 of no internet or cable because of the flood waters. I've been driving to random McDonald's and Panera's when it drives me crazy enough. However, considering everyone else had 3 feet of water in their basements, lost valuables, had to evacuate, had their water supply shut off and/or did not have power or still don't, I really REALLY should not complain.

I will not complain that I don't have the internet when other people are much worse off than me. I will not complain that I don't have the internet when other people are much worse off than me. I will not complain that I don't have the internet when other people are much worse off than me. I will not compl....

I took some pretty crap-tastic pictures on my phone of the Swatara creek/river located right by my house. Mom and I walked as close as we could get to it...it was undescribable. It had flooded a good half mile wider than normal and was rushing like rapids. And it ended up destroying the bridge along that road (72) and rumor has it that road will now be closed until next May. Fabulous.

Anywho, can't put the pictures up right now because I forgot the cord to connect my phone, so I'll add them here as soon as I can.

EDIT: The craptastic photos have arrived.


72 behind my house by that Honda/Suzuki motorcycle place.


The creek normally runs through those trees at the background of this picture.


It flowed at least 2 feet deep up the street past said motorcycle store, it was unbelievable.


The bridge in Jonestown was completely covered too.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The rains came down and the floods came up

Cliche title, I know.

Ok, my blog break is over, because OH MY HECK is it flooding here. Central PA hasn't seen flooding this bad since Agnes in '72, and we're supposed to get more heavy rain tonite into tomorrow, so it will probably exceed records. Here are some pictures that people have put up on the local news facebook page:


This is taken from the Applebees/Panera area of Hershey/Hummelstown, looking out over what is usually a busy highway now completely submerged.





This is on 422 between Annville and Palmyra.



Ok, so the first picure I showed. This is on the opposite side of that highway-turned-river. This is from the view of Sheetz in Hummelstown, looking out over Pizza Hut that became totally submerged and has collapsed since.


Oh hey underwater police car in Derry Township.



Some dude canoing down the middle of a street.


Here's another view like the first picture. People who know Hummelstown and Hersheypark Drive can understand how crazy this is. The Mcdonald's, Wendy's, and Pizza Hut are all under water.


And oh, what do you know? It just started pouring here again, here comes 3 more inches of rain. I live on a hill and don't have a basement so we should be safe, but say a prayer for the people of Central PA. The rain isn't letting up til tomorrow, and rivers are only expected to crest (major flood levels) in a few days. People have several feet of water in their basements already. It's a pretty serious deal.

P.S. Thanks for the happy thoughts from the last post. I'm feeling much better and you guys are the best, I appreciate it. =)

Monday, September 5, 2011

Today I'll be happier than a bird with a french fry...or maybe tomorrow

This is a short post to say that yes, I'm still alive.


Life has gotten a little hairy/rocky/weird/difficult/ouchy, and rather than the usual wanting to publicly discuss this, I'm on a blog break.


I hope to be back soon, but for now I'm just not in the mood.


In the mean time, feel free to send some happy thoughts/good vibes/prayers my way, and know that I'm ok, simply because, I know I will be.


"For there is nothing lost that may be found, if sought."

Sunday, August 21, 2011

The one where I reminisce

I actually began this post over a year ago and wrote #1 then, but then left it be. So I'm picking up where I left off.

I've decided to make a list of some of the best/most unforgettable moments of my life. In chronological order.

1.) A boy named Andrew and a crazy old woman named Hattie

Fall senior year of high school, on the band bus driving to a cavalcade, my friend Andrew was playing with this $.88 ken doll. (A bunch of us would go buy random things at Redners before we left for a trip...not sure why, but it makes me laugh.) The doll was naked and we decided to add some anatomy using one of those thin balloon-animal balloons, not blown up...we attached it to the doll's hip area haha. As a side note, Northern Lebanon had hired this crazy little old lady to be a bus driver...she drove up on sidewalks, ran over trash cans, the works. She was on our bus that evening "training" the woman driving. Oh, and her name was Hattie...I have no idea how you spell that. We loved her, because she was crazy and we could tell stories about her, but she kind of scared the crap out of us too. So anywho, we always sat at the very back of the bus, and we're back there laughing cuz Andrew's playing with this naked doll, waving him around and making it walk around on the seat, and Hattie spotted us and yelled at him to get up there to the front of the bus and give her the doll. He stands up in the aisle and starts dancing around like an idiot and yells "make me!!". So Hattie nods and with that crazy look in her eye says "ok, I will!!" and starts charging down the aisle, which makes Andrew start screaming and shouting like she's gonna murder him and in an attempt to take cover he dives back into his seat over and on top of Josh, cowering in the fetal position. He somehow managed to get the balloon off the doll by the time Hattie came back, and when she gets to his seat, she grabs the doll from him, and starts beating him with it and saying "where'd ya put the peter you had on it?!??"

I was sitting right next to this scene, curled up in a ball leaning on Steph laughing so hard I couldn't breathe and tears were pouring down my face. I have so many good memories with that group of people, but of all of them, that one's defnitely the best.


Can't believe I found a picture to go with this story, I had to dig to find it...not sure who took it.

2.) A weekend with David A. Bednar


Fall of 2007, Elder Bednar was our visiting general authority for stake conference. For those readers not of my faith, this is a HUGE deal. He is one of the 12 apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's like being Catholic and having the pope come visit.

2007 was a really rough year. Things often seemed really gloomy and dark. That weekend spent in the presence of an apostle, listening to his words of encouragement and getting taught by him, was incredible. It was like a clear sunny day after months of dreary rain. I will never forget sitting in the 3rd row, the pulpit directly in front of me on the Saturday nite session, and him telling everyone how much he wished he could go to each of us individually, take us by the shoulders, look in our eyes, and tell us "you can do this", and how he looked me right in the eyes when he said those words. And I knew I could after that.

After that weekend, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel that wasn't there before. I wasn't just going through the motions, but moving toward something. And even though it took another year until I reached that light, it grew ever brighter and bigger from that moment on.

3.) Singing the National Anthem at the Phillies game in April of 2008 when they were presented with their World Series Rings

I used to hate baseball...hard to believe, right? I wasn't even that into it when the Phillies actually won the World Series the fall before this event took place. I remember sitting in our suite with my roomies watching it, and hearing our apartment building explode with shouts and cheers when they won, and hearing stories about how the apartment complex right next to us had set a couch on fire in the middle of the street in celebration.

In choir the following semester, our student leaders decided we should send in an audition cd to sing the national anthem at a game. Our director was cool with it, so we did. And somehow, we got chosen for the most important, landmark game in Philly history (aside from the World Series itself of course). A sold out crowd of almost 50,000 people, standing mere feet away from all the Phillies, and they even shot off fireworks when we got to "o'er the land of the free". I honestly can't describe how awesome it felt.

Afterward, we watched the game, and that was the moment I fell in love with baseball. Because that was the first time I watched it live, and there's nothing quite like it.



Me singing on the big screen.

I know several members of the choir had videos of us singing, but I've searched and searched for it and can't find one. Sad.

4.) Volunteering at Kanab

A couple weeks after the spring semester was over in 2009, a group of us from our club Helping Paws flew out to Las Vegas, and drove to southern Utah to volunteer for a few days at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. This is the largest animal sanctuary in the country, possibly the world, with 33,000 acres of owned land, home to all kinds of animals. Best Friends is known for going to scenes of disaster and/or animal abuse, rescuing animals, and rehabilitating them at the sanctuary. Best Friends became a little more known after the Michael Vick dog fighting incident, because they took these dogs and have been working with them ever since to rehabilitate them into safe, people-friendly animals again. There was a show on Animal Planet about it. Anywho, it was like the best week of my life. I love animals and getting to spend all day with them and helping them was so much fun. The scenery was gorgeous, it was in the middle of nowhere (and I MEAN the middle of nowhere...you wanna take a trip to Target, the closest one is 2 hours of no red-light, no nothing, open highway driving), no cell phone service, just a cute little town. I adored it. I can't wait to go back there one day.

We also spent 2 days in Vegas before flying back home, which was pretty fantastic. My favorite parts were eating at the Stratosphere, wandering around all the popular casinos, driving down the strip with my roomies, windows down blasting Poker Face, which was insanely popular at the time, and watching the Bellagio water show standing right where they did in Ocean's 11 after they steal all the money. Magical.








5.) Graduation and a break-up


I know what you're thinking...a break-up? You're kidding, right? Let me explain. For the record, I think all of us agree that break-ups suck. As did this one. So no, the actual break-up wasn't one of the best parts of my life. It was in fact, a crappy awful experience. But an experience nonetheless. I graduated from Millersville a few days before Christmas in 2009, and about a month before had gone through the previously stated "experience". Things sucked. That's why this blog started, actually. But rather than get depressed, I used my support system and reached out to build a bigger support system to get myself back on my feet. And out of that one horrible situation/experience, came 9284726261 blessings and happy good wonderful things and an amazing 2010 and indeed 2011 (so far). Things dramatically turned around for me and got better than I ever even knew it could, and I owe it all to getting dumped by a guy. Why do bad things happen to good people my friends? So we can learn, grow, gain experience, and best of all, have even better things happen to us. And as for graduation, even though it took 3 months, my degree got me my job. 'Nough said. Thus, I put graduation and a break-up on this list, because it was the turning point for great things, and the reason why the past 2 years have been simply incredible.

6.) "The last summer"


Summer of 2010 Sydney was living with her mom and we got to spend so much quality time together. It renewed and strengthened our friendship. Right off the bat at the beginning of that summer, Haley, one of our best friends from high school, lost her dad in a car accident. I remember how we cried together and were so scared to go talk to her, because things had gotten kind of rocky and we didn't think she would want to see or hear from us. We went anyway. Friendships were mended. It was kind of amazing. Something you don't realize the significance of until you really stop and think about it. The 3 of us had some good times together after that. Me and Syd always referred to it as the last summer because her boyfriend (now husband) Steve was deployed to Iraq until the end of August, and it was our last summer to be just the 2 of us, no men, no full-time jobs, before going on to do big-girl grown-up things. I think if that summer had gone any differently, we wouldn't be as close as we are now and probably would have very easily grown apart.

7.) A visit from Missy, Shawn, and Ethen

My sister Missy lives in Arizona and I basically never get to see her. Shawn and Ethen are her sons. I hadn't seen Shawn since he was a year old (2 months shy of 4 at the time), and I had never met Ethen (age one at time). They came to visit for a week last October, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I love them a lot and I wish they lived here so I could see them all the time. I'm secretly hoping and praying they move back east sometime soon...shh, don't tell.



8.) A black lab named Scarlet and how she changed my life

This is a cute story. As many of you know, almost a year ago now (WOW time flies) I got asked to be the leader over the young single adults of my church, and as a part of that, activities creator/planner/overseer. March 12th of this year was a big all-day conference, where people from a large chunk of PA were going to be coming to. It was the most stressful activity I've ever planned to date. Leading up to it was terrible. Anyway, I distinctly remember sitting in the foyer of the church that morning with my planner-partner (a guy I previously dated, funny enough), before everyone else showed up, discussing how Josh liked me and it was awkward cuz I didn't like him and I didn't know what to do about it. I was telling him how I freaked out at first, "wahhh, I just wanna be friends!" and then said "but I've talked about it with him since, I told him that and we're ok now, I set him straight". HA. I readily admit that I am, indeed, an idiot.

So then people start showing up, and everyone has their own people to hang out with and I was sort of flitting around trying to organize the chaos. Josh gets there, and without even thinking or me realizing it, we stuck together. The first part of the activity was service projects, and I was in charge of getting a crew of people to the Farm Show complex to volunteer at Pawsabilities. I was stressing out a tad cuz we were late, and Josh went with me in my car and calmed me down. We parked at HACC and walked over, the 2 of us happily chatting away. When we got to Pawsabilities, we found the woman in charge who split us into groups and walked each group to where they would be volunteering. Pretty soon Josh and I were left alone at the volunteer table, unsure what to do, when I hear it. The saddest little whining dog noise I've ever heard. I turn around to see a bunch of empty cages right behind us, and turn back around thinking I'm hearing things. Then I hear it again. This time when I turned around, I looked down and spotted Scarlet, all alone in the corner in a covered-up cage, one little eyeball peaking out at me. I felt so bad. So when the lady came back, I decided to ask her if Josh and I could let the dog out and walk her, expecting her to laugh it off and give us a real job. Surprisingly, she said sure. So that's what we did for our 2-hour project...walked a dog and fed her treats and flirted. Josh was adorable with that dog too, a complete natural, which of course won him a lot of points in my book, and melted some of the I-don't-like-you ice away from my heart haha.

To make a long story shorter, we ended up spending basically the entire rest of the day together, especially during the dance, which I appreciated because I sort of felt like I was the only person without a clique.

After everyone left, and we cleaned up and I was heading out to my car, I looked at my phone and saw he had sent me a text saying how much fun he had with me that day. I smiled to myself and this is exactly what went through my head: "I had a really great time too. WHOA, WAIT. WHAT? I had a great time too. Did I just? I just spent the entire day with Josh....and had an amazing time. (Wide-eyed open-mouthed look replaces smile) OHH NOOOO"

And that friends, is the story of how, despite all my protests and fighting to prevent it, Josh and I ended up together. We've discussed this and Josh was the one that said "it was the dog". And he's so right.




Hope you enjoyed reading these as much as I enjoyed reminiscing.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The one with flashbacks and some nasty sancocho

First order of business: Yesterday I noticed I'm coming up on my 100th post, and I got all excited, until I realized that over 30% of said posts were still in draft form. So I went through them. I deleted a couple, but I did find a handful of gems. I don't know why I didn't post them...some of them have anger/emotion in them that maybe I didn't think should be shared. Others I just never got around to brushing them up. And even more others I read and thought to myself "this is hilarious why the heck didn't I share this?" So you guessed it, I decided to post them.

Forgive some of them for still being in somewhat of a rough draft form, I wanted to leave them be as best I could.

From most recent to oldest:

Being a kid at heart

The one where I slept through a tornado

the irony of life

Can I just have a thank you, please?

I'm a survivor

One weird and unexpected reason why I wanna get married

A dream is a wish your heart makes...or not



I think my personal favorites are a dream is a wish your heart makes...or not, and the irony of life. Irony is funny to look back on because it reminds me of how ridiculous I behaved when Josh and I first started dating, and how embarrassed I was at the thought of dating someone younger than me. I remember apologizing to him for being so weird and giving him mixed signals, and he responded (via text) "that's ok. I think it's just hard for you to admit that you like me a whole bunch" haha. He had me figured out better than I did.



Second order of business: Sancocho (aka latin american soup/stew). Yesterday I tried a puerto rican version of Sancocho for the first time. It was a terrifying experience. I was told it had potatoes and squash in it. I took a bite of just the broth, and it tasted horribly of fish. Now, a little side note. To me, seafood is not a real word. Because anything that comes from the sea, is clearly NOT food. How could something that looks, tastes, feels, and especially smells, SO GROSS be meant to eat? It's got 4 out of the 5 senses stacked up against it. I will never understand how or why people consume sea creatures. Especially the slimy rubbery pungent ones.

So I tasted fishyness in the broth. I was a guest in someone's house and they had offered it to me so I didn't want to offend them. I continued eating. I ate around what I was pretty sure was the culprit of the awful taste...grayish bite-sized pieces of blech, with a really unappetizing hairy/bumpy quality to them. It looked like it had feelers. I ate the potatoes, the squash. Then all I had left was the pieces of blech, and I'm not sure why, but I decided to cut a tiny nibble and eat it. It was like I put death in my mouth. I swallowed that thing whole (which was pretty easy given the texture) in under a second from the time I put that spoon to my lips. And I refused to eat any more of it.

Here's the good news: the maker of the sancocho expected me not to like it and wasn't offended. I researched sancocho online once I got home only to find that unless you're from Colombia, there shouldn't be fish in it, but yummy ingredients like chicken or beef. (That discovery wasn't good news, I was kind of pissed..."why the heck did they put squid/fish/I don't even know what the poo that was in there??") But because I like to have cooking adventures, I've decided that my next one will be to make my own sancocho, and you can bet your bottom dollar it will not have anything rubbery, smelly, or barf-worthy in it. I will blog of this adventure whenever it happens.