I think I didn't come across the way I wanted to in my last post...it was more a "hey, if it seems like I talk about this topic a lot, here's why" kinda thing. But it's my blog so I can do what I want with it. =)
Something's really bothering me and pressing on my mind, and just starting to type about it is making the tears well up. For the first time in my life, I'm the "heartbreaker" so to speak and not the heartbroken. But now that I've felt what that role is like, I gotta say, the one doing the breaking ends up broken too. And it really hurts. Maybe just as much. Although yes there are a few of them out there, not every heartbreaker is an evil heartless monster. Not always a clear cut good side and a bad side, right and wrong.
Ever lose someone near and dear to you because you couldn't be what they wanted you to be? Around Christmas last year, I started talking with a guy who has changed my life and always been there for me from day 1. Made me feel welcome and helped me find friends...put a little light at the end of the tunnel that went out for a couple months at the end of last year when I was going through a rough spot. He easily became one of my favorite people and one of my best friends. And I thank God for him every single day, for what he did for me. Obviously I care about him, he means a lot to me. But as a friend and nothing more. And for him that's not enough.
What do you do when your best guy friend falls in love with you? And the feeling's not mutual? For awhile it was fine...discussed between us, boundaries set, good to go. But now after a few months of that, with me oblivious thinking everything was great, the heartache is worse and the decision has been made to leave my life. At first, without telling me. Like I wouldn't notice. Wouldn't notice the lack of texts, hugs, conversation, random gossip, eye contact. And how I'm suddenly never invited and completely NOT in the know about anything.
He thought, to use the earlier metaphor, that now I've gotten out of that tunnel and I've reached the light, he could slip away unnoticed. Silly of him. Of course I noticed. Immediately. So things were discussed again. And now I'm trying to be understanding, or pretending to be...that's a better word. Because yes, I've selfishly been expecting him to be in my life on my terms, without thinking how difficult that is. And even though life continues, he hasn't moved, so he needs distance from me for awhile, to start a new chapter and move on. I get that. So now I have to pretend to be ok with never getting invited and not talking to the one person I always went to and feeling SO left out. Not just left out...I feel like a loser while my friends go out and have a good time doing fun things and I'd love to be there with them. I feel like I'm being punished; like I've done something wrong. "Oh let's all go out and see Sheridan's favorite band, don't tell her though, she's not invited." That's what this feels like. And I'm pretending to be ok with it. But it's not really ok. And I don't understand. I do but I don't, if that makes any sense at all. I know there's not really any malicious intent. It just feels like it.
Not a win-win situation in sight. For awhile I was winning, he was losing. I had a really great friend, but he was suffering because of me. Now the tables have turned. He wants distance to be able to move on and is off having the time of his life without me, and I just lost one of my closest friends. I lose. But for his sake, I guess it should stay that way.
I might have been the one to break the heart, but it broke mine too.
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