you're in the middle of the ride, everything will be alright

Ever reach a point in life where you just wish you could flash foward a couple months/years? Just to make sure you survived. Or because you're impatient and just wanna know what happens. Like when you're reading a book and get to a really suspenseful part and you just can't take it anymore so you flip ahead a little, just to check...did so-and-so really die, are they gonna make up, is the nice guy gonna get the girl, did the hero make it through all of that hardship, is everything gonna be ok? Ever wish you could do that with your own life? I do sometimes. Like now. More because I'm impatient and less not knowing if I can survive. I'm pretty certain of my survival at this point. Just dying to know what's gonna happen and how things will work out in their own perfect little way, despite my stumblings and screw-ups and sticky situations.

It's all here, in black and white and red

I think I didn't come across the way I wanted to in my last post...it was more a "hey, if it seems like I talk about this topic a lot, here's why" kinda thing. But it's my blog so I can do what I want with it. =)

Something's really bothering me and pressing on my mind, and just starting to type about it is making the tears well up. For the first time in my life, I'm the "heartbreaker" so to speak and not the heartbroken. But now that I've felt what that role is like, I gotta say, the one doing the breaking ends up broken too. And it really hurts. Maybe just as much. Although yes there are a few of them out there, not every heartbreaker is an evil heartless monster. Not always a clear cut good side and a bad side, right and wrong.

Ever lose someone near and dear to you because you couldn't be what they wanted you to be? Around Christmas last year, I started talking with a guy who has changed my life and always been there for me from day 1. Made me feel welcome and helped me find friends...put a little light at the end of the tunnel that went out for a couple months at the end of last year when I was going through a rough spot. He easily became one of my favorite people and one of my best friends. And I thank God for him every single day, for what he did for me. Obviously I care about him, he means a lot to me. But as a friend and nothing more. And for him that's not enough.

What do you do when your best guy friend falls in love with you? And the feeling's not mutual? For awhile it was fine...discussed between us, boundaries set, good to go. But now after a few months of that, with me oblivious thinking everything was great, the heartache is worse and the decision has been made to leave my life. At first, without telling me. Like I wouldn't notice. Wouldn't notice the lack of texts, hugs, conversation, random gossip, eye contact. And how I'm suddenly never invited and completely NOT in the know about anything.

He thought, to use the earlier metaphor, that now I've gotten out of that tunnel and I've reached the light, he could slip away unnoticed. Silly of him. Of course I noticed. Immediately. So things were discussed again. And now I'm trying to be understanding, or pretending to be...that's a better word. Because yes, I've selfishly been expecting him to be in my life on my terms, without thinking how difficult that is. And even though life continues, he hasn't moved, so he needs distance from me for awhile, to start a new chapter and move on. I get that. So now I have to pretend to be ok with never getting invited and not talking to the one person I always went to and feeling SO left out. Not just left out...I feel like a loser while my friends go out and have a good time doing fun things and I'd love to be there with them. I feel like I'm being punished; like I've done something wrong. "Oh let's all go out and see Sheridan's favorite band, don't tell her though, she's not invited." That's what this feels like. And I'm pretending to be ok with it. But it's not really ok. And I don't understand. I do but I don't, if that makes any sense at all. I know there's not really any malicious intent. It just feels like it.

Not a win-win situation in sight. For awhile I was winning, he was losing. I had a really great friend, but he was suffering because of me. Now the tables have turned. He wants distance to be able to move on and is off having the time of his life without me, and I just lost one of my closest friends. I lose. But for his sake, I guess it should stay that way.


I might have been the one to break the heart, but it broke mine too.

I'm the new Bridget Jones

So, I'm still trying to find my place in the world of blogging; to have some point to all the ramblings and random posts. It's supposed to be a 'glimpse of my life' after all, but I'm not sure how well I depict that. Some people like to tell silly anecdotes about their life. Some just explain special events. Or did you ever notice, along with the anecdotes thing, how lots of people take whatever part of their life is a mess and discuss that, like their job or their in-laws or training a new pet? Like a comedian's stand-up routine...making the mundane everyday things hilarious. If I had it my way, I would spend hours and pages upon pages of this blog telling great stories about all the things that happen at work. Occasionally I'll say a few things, but for the most part confidentiality prevents me from discussing that. So it's out of the picture. What is my "theme" right now?

I've been thinking about it, and have started to form an idea, thanks to the stage of life I'm in (22, college grad, steady job, and the dreaded word, single). My blog should/will probably become a dating/relationships blog. Only because, unfortunately for myself, that is currently the part of my life that is in complete and total disarray, and often takes up my time and energy and brain space. And however awful and terrifying it might be for me, it would probably be amusing for some reading. And amusing to me also, at some future point in time, whether or not anyone gets a good laugh from it now.

It's a thought. One problem I'm already imagining is that the people being discussed on the blog might read this...and that would just be awkward and it would keep me from being completely honest. I suppose I should talk about situations rather than people.

*sigh*...who knew being single would bring more drama and hurt feelings and confusion and drain me of more emotional energy than being in a serious relationship would? It's insane. Insane. Like really, how much I talk about it is how much I don't wanna be talking about it. But hey, sometimes all you can do is laugh about things, and make light of situations. Otherwise if you don't laugh, you'll just cry. What a weird/awful/awkward part of life. I've said it before, I'm saying it now, and I'll more than likely say it again in the future: the whole single but dating thing is NOT FUN. And I can't wait for it to be over. Then my blog's theme can change to the next thing that will terrorize my life.

One weird and unexpected reason why I wanna get married

Ugh. Sometimes a situation is so messy and awful, and decisions are so difficult, I wish I could just flash forward a little into the future to know what I'm supposed to do, or just to know that everything will work out and be ok. Story of my life. Story of everyone's life I guess. Decisions hurt.

I'm so tired of people making me feel guilty for things that I don't deserve to feel bad about. Or that are beyond my control. I just want everyone to be happy and not be hurting. I want my friend back. To normal. I'm tired of getting on facebook and seeing posts of lyrics and videos about awful heartbreaking girls and wondering if it's directed towards me. Because seeing that is like a knife to my heart also. I never meant to hurt anyone. What did I do that even brought all of this on? I don't understand.


Can I let you all in on a little secret? I cannot wait to be married. And it's not for any normal reason. Here's why, and it's going to make me sound really lame and self-centered: I just wanna worry about one guy. Cuz when you're single, and there's all these guys that either think they have a piece of you or want a piece of you, you have to worry about hurt feelings and closure or lack there of, and drama and awkward situations and ruining friendships, etc etc etc. And it is THE WORST THING EVERRRRR. I wanna pick one, and make it official, get that decision out of the way so that I can just move forward and not look back. And so everyone knows that no, they do not have a piece of me, because that guy has all of me.

scavenger hunt

Saw a blog scavenger hunt on a friend's blog, think I'm gonna try it. =)

1.) Your favorite Youtube video.



It's a really hard choice, but this one always makes me laugh a whole bunch.


2.) A photo that will make everyone say "Awwwww."



And in case you're not a cat lover:



Monkeys cuddling at the San Diego zoo...one of my friends took this, I do believe, when the band went there in high school.


3.) A funny t-shirt:



I love my HP. =)


4.) Something geeky:



2 words: George Mcfly. Although, this picture is from the scene where he punches Biff in the face and is no longer a super-geek. And that knowledge probably shows MY geekiness, but I don't care. I ADORE the Back to the Future movies.


5.) Link/image to your favorite movie:

Oh no, you can't do this to me. I even got to cheat with #4, and I still can't decide. I'll go with a classic:





It's a wonderful wonderful wonderful movie. =)


6.) A link the newest blog you've discovered:

Urmmm? I don't really look for blogs. How 'ere, I googled "fun blogs" and found this, kinda cutesy:

http://www.frugalfamilyfunblog.com/



7.) An item on your wish list:



To one day visit Santorini, Greece.

In response to a comment about Santorini, I will go into some more detail, although it's probably a little lame. For one, I'd pretty much be cool with traveling anywhere gorgeous and full of history. But I've been interested in Greece for a few years now, ever since I saw Mamma Mia and also (yes, go ahead and cringe) the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies, where the one girl went to some gorgeous island of Greece. I don't know which one she was at in the movie, but I decided I wanted to travel there. So awhile back I googled images of Grecian islands, and thought Santorini looked cool, and that's pretty much the story. I would be happy to visit any of the islands, really.

Who's awesome? YOU'RE awesome. ;)

I gotta admit I've almost completely lost interest in my letter-writing extravaganza. But I hate leaving something hanging and not ever finishing. So....

Day 21: Someone who I judged by a first impression

Dear R,

you are one of the coolest people EVER. You've never said a mean word about me or to me. You're hilarious. You do the nicest things for people, with no thought of what's in it for you. Simply because. You're just wonderful. Whenever someone brings you up in conversation, I always end up laughing and saying "I love R!" I say it so much that everyone around me probably thinks to themselves, "yes Sheridan, we KNOW". You put a smile on my face.

But could you guess by the description of this letter that my first impression of you wasn't anywhere close to my opinion of you now? Yep, the first time I remember seeing you, I immediately thought something not too nice. Just because you're not exactly like everyone else. I turned up my nose and decided you should be avoided. How awful of me. I'm grateful for being given a second chance, years later, to learn about you and have a friend in you, now that I'm not as much of a jerk. Because you're a great friend and I was wrong. It sort of makes me grossed out about myself wondering how many people I've judged so wrongly like that and haven't ever gotten another chance to really get to know them.

Thanks for being you!