I have good news, and I have bad news.
The good news is: I only have to be at work at 8 tomorrow, not 7:30. A half hour does wonders. I will only be working 2.5 days this week, perhaps less, depending on the weather. I'm flying to Arizona Wednesday evening to spend time with a close friend and family. The weather was originally supposed to make my drive to the airport a giant mess and possibly cause delays, but it changed so it's hopefully happening earlier now. I added music to my profile. (Please ignore the SUPER-weird videos that come with some of the songs, it was either that or a crappy version of a good song.) A baby smiled at me today. A little kiddo held my hand as they walked with me, and it made me melt. I played the piano for awhile. I wasn't terrible. I read out loud from a book in spanish to practice.
The bad news: I may or may not be currently sitting in sweatpants, looking online at wedding dresses, getting all teary-eyed watching a chick flick (for anyone who cares to know, While You Were Sleeping) and feeling depressed. And eyeing up the giant bag of chocolate next to me too. I've been uber-emotional the past couple days, and I'm feeling overwhelmed. This was all brought on mostly because I'm terrified of my future and all the decisions I need to make and where I'm going. I have no idea where in the entire United States of America I should live and go to school. I don't know where to begin and if now is even the right time for me to go back. And if it's not quite time, what should I be doing? Does that mean I should go on a big scary M word that I can't even bring myself to say? I'm terrified to even think about it. It's not that I couldn't handle it, it's more that at this point I just don't want to, I feel selfish and bad because of that, and I'm worried if I think about it I'll come to realize it's something I need to do.
I also think I've been complaining/worrying about this same old thing for like years now, and I can't imagine how much it must be annoying my readers, because it's annoying me. Oy.
I currently need a second job too. I'm gonna need more money to make any of these things happen. I feel so restless and I don't even understand why, maybe it's just a mood. But I feel like there's no direction in my life and I can't figure out what's next so I'm stuck. And above all and to make everything worse and make the decisions harder to be made, I'm feeling alone. So alone. I need to make life decisions and it's so difficult when you don't have anyone to make them with. Even worse when you're holding on to the opportunity of having that with someone, and it keeps you from going anywhere, because if you decide one thing its like kissing that opportunity goodbye and ending any chance of it happening. I know I'm only 22, but sometimes I want so badly to move on with that part of my life and have my own family that my heart physically aches.
But I can't mope, and I can't wait around hoping. I need to do my thing and do what's best for me, and it'll work out the way it's supposed to, right? I just hope the nagging feeling that I'm leaving something behind that I shouldn't have goes away.
I'm sorry, Sheridan. It sounds like you're at a crossroads that isn't easy. I know Heavenly Father is watching over you. He wants to give you your life. The decisions you make are important, and will effect the rest of your life... you'll tell your children about this someday and what you decided to do. Remember that you want to be found being brave in your stories to them. Whatever you choose, you'll ultimately have peace if you stay close to Heavenly Father and follow His will. I can't presume to know what His will is for you. It's not ALWAYS a mission, just as it isn't ALWAYS any one prescription from a manual on His Will. He will let you know, as you pray and stay close to Him. I just love you and hope it all comes together soon. Don't forget to read your pat. blessing. love, melanie
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