2011, Surprising me already

It's been a year since I started this blog and I find myself quite unexpectedly in the same place I was then. Well, not really in the same place, I've moved forward in leaps and bounds and learned so much in that year. It just feels like it. Different people, different experiences, different reasons, but a similar parting of ways. A little less hurt and heartbroken, a little more anxious, sad, disappointed, and a lotta more confused. Always confusion when things don't go the way you expected.

I recently read through my blog, my 2010, and found myself wanting to comfort past-me. I was so worried about someone because of a choice they had made. And I was so scared of my future and felt like I had nothing going for me. I just wanted to tell myself, "you know, it'll be ok. He'll be ok. He has his whole life ahead of him, one wrong decision doesn't mean it's all over for him. Things are about to get so much better."

And I suppose, a year from today, I'll be comforting now-me again. Have you ever been at the point where people say things like that to you, to hang in there, that things will get better, but that just makes you feel even worse? Because you don't want things to get better, all you want is for things to go back to where they were, that was good enough for you. But you know deep down that can't happen either. Change is so hard.

My goals for this year are given somewhat half-heartedly...it's hard to think up life goals on days when just getting out of bed has suddenly become a chore. But I'll work on them nonetheless.

1.) Be quick to search for understanding and common ground, and be slow to speak ill of people.

2.) I'm going back to school. No more waiting around or dragging my feet or hoping that other areas of my life will fall into place first. The experience I'm getting and have gotten from working in my field, inbetween my bachelor's and my graduate degree, is completely necessary and irreplacable. But it's time to prepare. At this point I have no idea where in the country I will end up going, though I think California (or pretty much anywhere where it's warm and there's a beach) would be nice, but by the end of the year, I will know exactly when and where I'm going, and have applied and gotten accepted. And ok, somewhere mountainous and snowy, like Denver or SLC would be pretty fun too, as long as I don't have to drive and have people to enjoy the snow with.

3.) Along with that, this year, I'm going to study hard, prepare, and take the GRE.

4.) Be me, and never ever EVER what I think someone wants me to be or would expect from me. Just me.

5.) Have pen and paper near me 24/7 and write things down. Could be anything. How I feel, a random thought that popped in my head, a funny line a coworker said, a memory I haven't thought of in years.

6.) Read more.

7.) Spend as much face time as possible with the people that matter.

And on a smaller, not-as-important scale, I would like to take piano lessons again. Or continue making music in some way. Singing in a choir, something.


My goals for this week are to smile even when I don't want to, and be sickeningly optimistic. This may seem easy, but these, for me, are actually the hardest yet. I'll start now:

1.) I just smiled so big and ridiculously I made myself crack up.
2.) It's not an end, it's a beginning. I've been given the opportunity to take a step back, to start something over, a second chance to do something I've been messing up the past few months. And chances like that aren't always given.


There. A little better already. Or, to quote one of the kids I see at work, "that's bettah".