Decisions, decisions

I have good news, and I have bad news.

The good news is: I only have to be at work at 8 tomorrow, not 7:30. A half hour does wonders. I will only be working 2.5 days this week, perhaps less, depending on the weather. I'm flying to Arizona Wednesday evening to spend time with a close friend and family. The weather was originally supposed to make my drive to the airport a giant mess and possibly cause delays, but it changed so it's hopefully happening earlier now. I added music to my profile. (Please ignore the SUPER-weird videos that come with some of the songs, it was either that or a crappy version of a good song.) A baby smiled at me today. A little kiddo held my hand as they walked with me, and it made me melt. I played the piano for awhile. I wasn't terrible. I read out loud from a book in spanish to practice.

The bad news: I may or may not be currently sitting in sweatpants, looking online at wedding dresses, getting all teary-eyed watching a chick flick (for anyone who cares to know, While You Were Sleeping) and feeling depressed. And eyeing up the giant bag of chocolate next to me too. I've been uber-emotional the past couple days, and I'm feeling overwhelmed. This was all brought on mostly because I'm terrified of my future and all the decisions I need to make and where I'm going. I have no idea where in the entire United States of America I should live and go to school. I don't know where to begin and if now is even the right time for me to go back. And if it's not quite time, what should I be doing? Does that mean I should go on a big scary M word that I can't even bring myself to say? I'm terrified to even think about it. It's not that I couldn't handle it, it's more that at this point I just don't want to, I feel selfish and bad because of that, and I'm worried if I think about it I'll come to realize it's something I need to do.

I also think I've been complaining/worrying about this same old thing for like years now, and I can't imagine how much it must be annoying my readers, because it's annoying me. Oy.

I currently need a second job too. I'm gonna need more money to make any of these things happen. I feel so restless and I don't even understand why, maybe it's just a mood. But I feel like there's no direction in my life and I can't figure out what's next so I'm stuck. And above all and to make everything worse and make the decisions harder to be made, I'm feeling alone. So alone. I need to make life decisions and it's so difficult when you don't have anyone to make them with. Even worse when you're holding on to the opportunity of having that with someone, and it keeps you from going anywhere, because if you decide one thing its like kissing that opportunity goodbye and ending any chance of it happening. I know I'm only 22, but sometimes I want so badly to move on with that part of my life and have my own family that my heart physically aches.

But I can't mope, and I can't wait around hoping. I need to do my thing and do what's best for me, and it'll work out the way it's supposed to, right? I just hope the nagging feeling that I'm leaving something behind that I shouldn't have goes away.

I've believed, hoped, and endured, and hope to keep enduring

I realize that hope is an important part of human nature. Sometimes it's all we have to hold on with. But I don't always like hope. Because sometimes I really hope for things. And I think it's a good thing to hope for, and not too out of reach, but then it doesn't happen the way I wanted. And it leaves me wishing I just never would've hoped at all, so then I would never get let down. That's why I'm not so sure hope is the beautiful thing people talk about.

This blog post doesn't really have a purpose, but this thought has been floating around in my head, and one of my goals is to write that stuff down.

Loving someone doesn't always mean fighting for them. (Unless of course, you're married. Then you should always fight for it and it can be a continual, yet completely rewarding struggle.) If they want to be let go, and if you truly love them, it means letting them go. And putting a smile on your face. Realizing that there's someone else out there that'll make them happier than you can. And retracting the claws that start coming out when you realize there's a girl (or maybe 10) that really likes him and they just have everything in common and it's all cute-sy (barf), because maybe she's that girl that can do better than you. And if you really love, seeing that other person get the happy ending with someone else should still make you happy.

I used to really like that phrase "if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was". I guess it gave me comfort. But then everything/everyone I let go of never came back. Now I never expect it to. Most of the time I figure out years later that it turned out to be a good thing. Which is what I hold to, the one thing I'll never stop hoping for, even if I don't always like hope. That whatever happens, it's for the best. That good, wonderful, happy things are coming my way. A light at the end of the tunnel that at some point will be reached.

I've learned that difficult situations in life, pain, heartache, never ever happen just to make you miserable. They happen to bring you something better, or to give you experience to do it right the next time. It never seems like it, and lots of times I haven't believed it, but it always, without fail turns out to be true. So that's why I say with complete confidence that everything that's happened in the past month that's brought stress, sadness, embarrassment, tears, confusion....it is all for the best, and it's making life better. I know it, I know it. And I'll hold to that.

The future is bright.

P.S. I'm annoyed at facebook right now. I used to have a nice little link to my blog right below my profile picture. People knew where to find it; it was easy to access. Now the link is hidden very well down in the depths of the info section, never to be found by my non-blog facebook readers. Lame.

Can I just have a thank you, please?

It's time for a nice long rant.

I'm currently stressed out with my calling (like service opportunities in church) and need to complain. Is it bad to complain about it? At this point I don't care.

Being a leader, it kind of, maybe, idk, just a tad wee little tiny itty bit SUCKS. Holy cow. I had no idea. Well wait, I lie, I did have an idea. But I haven't been in that position for awhile and I guess I'd forgotten.

"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either." This has become my new motto. I used to hate it. My high school choir teacher had that posted on the wall behind his desk and I would read it everyday and for whatever reason just did not like it. Maybe cuz he was kind of arrogant and rude. Maybe because at the time I was in a position of thinking I should get everything I want and being upset at the audacity of someone telling me they weren't going to make me happy. How dare they?

How dare I ever have thought that? Barf.

Here's what I've learned: when you're a leader, you spend lots of time caring about people, being with them and getting to know them, thinking, praying, trying to figure out what the best interests of those people are. You put effort and time into planning, preparing, and running activities that, while doing so, you thought of no one but the people you're leading who will be going to these events. You did it all for them, for the sake of friendship and having a good time. You expect people to appreciate all that you do.

Well, they don't. They are so ungrateful. They complain. They whine. But ask for their opinions on what they would like to see, and you hear crickets chirping. Plan an activity that's not exactly what they wanted and they freak out and act like you just killed their dog, burned their house down, spit on them. And do they do the productive thing and come to you about it to try to fix the issue? Nope, of course not. They stab you in the back and do the unproductive-gets-them-no-where thing and just complain to anyone BUT you. And even when they receive direction to go talk to you, they won't do it. Instead, they go to all the wrong people to try to turn them against you or get someone to override you. And whine about how lame every single thing you do is, and how miserable they are. Do they once approach you? Do they once say, "hey, I appreciate all you do, I know it's not easy". Do they once say, "I know you've been planning this, but I have an idea that might make it better". Nope, that's unheard of.

People want to be spoonfed. And if you do it for them they're still not happy. Giving people whatever they want, doing things for them, doesn't help at all. To be an effective leader/teacher/parent/therapist/anything, there must be a transfer of skills. Teach someone a skill and eventually they can do it on their own.

What's even weirder, looking back on it all, oft times the complainers, the people that make a huge fuss, the ones that make you feel completely miserable and cause you to write ranting blog posts....they're a minority. A very tiny minority. And somewhere out there, the other 95ish% of people are perfectly content, and they're ok with how you're leading, they just never open their mouths to say so. How I wish they would.

Lesson learned, I will always respect and personally thank my leaders. Especially the ones that didn't choose to lead, but answered the call or agreed to it when asked. God bless them.

I hope no ysa is reading this thinking I hate you all. I really do love each and every person. Sometimes this whole thing is just frustrating, ya know?

I'm a survivor

Well, I did it. It was a rough week, and I survived. I should get a cookie, or something. It floors me how much we have to fight just to be happy sometimes. And sometimes we aren't happy and we have to fight just to believe that one day we will be.

Here's what I fought against this week:

constant, nagging, worst-case-scenario, discouraging thoughts. festering and growing and refusing to leave my brain.

thinking that every little thing that happens when I didn't want it to or doesn't go the way I wanted it to is because I never get anything good and my life is supposed to suck

feeling inferior...he'll pick her because she's prettier/older/younger/sweeter/nicer/smarter/better

feeling like I don't deserve anything good to happen to me

fear and intimidation

jealousy, often times over things that haven't even happened and probably never will

coveting

confusion

being left out

missing people

lack of sleep

no energy

seeing helpless abused children with no hope of getting help

fear that someone who I spend a good chunk of my day with everyday is dying

terrifying world reports

hate crimes that just cause panic and blame and more hate

fear that I'm being ignored, or looked through

fear that my outward appearance is all that gets noticed

impatience

loneliness

feeling worthless

boredom

darkness already at 5PM

I'm proud of myself for recognizing the stuff that's completely false, and letting go of the stuff I have no control over. Yep, definitely should get that cookie.

2011, Surprising me already

It's been a year since I started this blog and I find myself quite unexpectedly in the same place I was then. Well, not really in the same place, I've moved forward in leaps and bounds and learned so much in that year. It just feels like it. Different people, different experiences, different reasons, but a similar parting of ways. A little less hurt and heartbroken, a little more anxious, sad, disappointed, and a lotta more confused. Always confusion when things don't go the way you expected.

I recently read through my blog, my 2010, and found myself wanting to comfort past-me. I was so worried about someone because of a choice they had made. And I was so scared of my future and felt like I had nothing going for me. I just wanted to tell myself, "you know, it'll be ok. He'll be ok. He has his whole life ahead of him, one wrong decision doesn't mean it's all over for him. Things are about to get so much better."

And I suppose, a year from today, I'll be comforting now-me again. Have you ever been at the point where people say things like that to you, to hang in there, that things will get better, but that just makes you feel even worse? Because you don't want things to get better, all you want is for things to go back to where they were, that was good enough for you. But you know deep down that can't happen either. Change is so hard.

My goals for this year are given somewhat half-heartedly...it's hard to think up life goals on days when just getting out of bed has suddenly become a chore. But I'll work on them nonetheless.

1.) Be quick to search for understanding and common ground, and be slow to speak ill of people.

2.) I'm going back to school. No more waiting around or dragging my feet or hoping that other areas of my life will fall into place first. The experience I'm getting and have gotten from working in my field, inbetween my bachelor's and my graduate degree, is completely necessary and irreplacable. But it's time to prepare. At this point I have no idea where in the country I will end up going, though I think California (or pretty much anywhere where it's warm and there's a beach) would be nice, but by the end of the year, I will know exactly when and where I'm going, and have applied and gotten accepted. And ok, somewhere mountainous and snowy, like Denver or SLC would be pretty fun too, as long as I don't have to drive and have people to enjoy the snow with.

3.) Along with that, this year, I'm going to study hard, prepare, and take the GRE.

4.) Be me, and never ever EVER what I think someone wants me to be or would expect from me. Just me.

5.) Have pen and paper near me 24/7 and write things down. Could be anything. How I feel, a random thought that popped in my head, a funny line a coworker said, a memory I haven't thought of in years.

6.) Read more.

7.) Spend as much face time as possible with the people that matter.

And on a smaller, not-as-important scale, I would like to take piano lessons again. Or continue making music in some way. Singing in a choir, something.


My goals for this week are to smile even when I don't want to, and be sickeningly optimistic. This may seem easy, but these, for me, are actually the hardest yet. I'll start now:

1.) I just smiled so big and ridiculously I made myself crack up.
2.) It's not an end, it's a beginning. I've been given the opportunity to take a step back, to start something over, a second chance to do something I've been messing up the past few months. And chances like that aren't always given.


There. A little better already. Or, to quote one of the kids I see at work, "that's bettah".