Day 19: Someone who pesters my mind, good or bad
Dear TOIMM,
You're in my head for a reason, of that I'm sure. I'm doing my best to figure it out and do the right thing without letting my feelings get in the way. I think a lot of times when people are on our minds, it's because they need something, or someone. Whether it's just a phone call or a hug or someone who will listen or an "it's ok, I'm not mad at you", whatever. If they pop up unexpectedly in your head and won't leave, there's a reason, and we should act on it. And if on top of that, people keep mentioning that same person to you or the person randomly gets brought up what seems like constantly...you really shouldn't be ignoring that.
All of the above has happened to me, and I can't ignore it. But what exactly should I do? What do you need? Or the question I keep thinking, what on earth can I do for you that someone else can't? Isn't there someone closer to you? More qualified/stronger/better prepared than I am? Yet here is silly little mistake-prone me, and I'm the one with you on my mind and worry/care about you almost as much as a mom. Maybe one day it'll make more sense. Until then, you have my prayers and a little soft part of my heart.
Love,
Me
Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Having the time of my life
I'd like to take a short break from my letter-writing project to talk about how awesome the past week or so has been. And how great life is in general.
I'm currently sitting out on a deck at a condo in north Myrtle Beach, with the beach literally being RIGHT THERE in front of me. And the breeze is gently blowing and the waves are crashing and the water is actually blue-ish here, unlike the gross murky gray of Delaware, and I love it. The beach is a wonderful creation.
I'm so grateful for my job. Really really. From mid-July to about a week ago, we had this summer camp thing, and I was kinda nervous about it. But it ended up being SO fun. I love the kiddos, and I love the people I work/have worked with. And this is exactly the kind of experience I wanted to get to prepare me for grad school. And ok, getting a paycheck is pretty awesome too. For awhile I was legitimately sad that I'm missing the first week of school right now to be at the beach. Who does that?
So two Fridays ago was the last day of our summer camp, and afterward a bunch of my coworkers and I went out and I was just so happy to have people I like working with, and to have successfully made it through a summer that I was a little afraid of at the beginning. The next day Mom and I went shopping at Park City and I found a piece for my Halloween costume at Hot Topic. I'm keeping the costume secret til Halloween, of course ;) Then that Sunday after church, (great ward conference and I only had to teach 3 moderately well-behaved 5-year-olds instead of 938274626 naughty ones) I went over to my bff's house to keep her company while she was packing her life away to move to Arizona. We're all grown up now. It's weird. I went home the next morning, and then later that afternoon went with Dad to the Phillies game. It was a tragic loss and it was a little rainy, but I still had a great time. I love live baseball games. And we had awesome seats, 30 rows up right in front of the pitchers mound between 3rd and home. Seeing all my faves play up close, not on tv, is amazing. Win or lose.
Last Tuesday was institute, and I got to see and hang out with some friends, always a good time. And one of these friends and I had a good talk and decided to make the extra effort and use some teamwork to go retrieve a lost and wandering sheep in my life. The one I miss most. I'm really nervous, but praying it all works out. I haven't seen said sheep in a looooong time. Where there's a will there's a way, and I won't stop hoping for the best. No matter how long it takes.
Wednesday I went out for breakfast with bff and bff-mom at that dinky little place across from the state police barracks. And then a few hours later I drove over to Steelton and the 2 of us spent the evening in Hersheypark. This is something we've been doing since as long as I can remember. We got on all the good rides, and it wasn't too full, and the sun came out for the first time in a week, and we ate yummy bbq-ness, and got our caricature done together. I had such a good time, and ended up crying on my drive home that nite because I'm gonna miss her so much.
Thursday Sam and I went to visit Brookie Cookie. ;) It was good seeing her and hanging out with Navie and talking about the good ol' days of young womens and dances and roadshows, etc. I miss her, especially since we only get to visit like once a year. The hour and a half drive was totally worth it. =) Sam and I also got to have a good talk/therapy session on the drive home. I do love therapy time with Sam, she understands me. Or at least pretends to. ;) I'm so glad we have each other to talk about all that stuff. Love both of you girlies.
Friday was dance party nite, which was great except for me feeling kinda old and almost falling over from all the strobe lights. I'm 22, this should not be happening. And a bunch of us went to see the Takers which was kind of a wee bit terrible. See, the beginning was this fantastic bank robbery and I thought it was gonna be all awesome like Ocean's 11, but it ended up just being disappointing and lame. Fortunately Chris Brown's attractiveness kept me going. He's such a cutie. And it was nice to see Hayden Christiansen play a role besides an annoying, overly-powerful, whiny little brat like in Star Wars haha.
Saturday I went out for lunch with bff and her (as of Friday nite) "more than boyfriend" haha. And then we said our goodbyes, as they go on to the land of dry and hot. And then Sunday we left for Myrtle. And now here we are.
So in short, I've had a super busy week or so of no work and lots of friends and family, and life is good. Do I have everything? No. Do things always go the way I want? No. But I love what I have and I'm grateful for it, and I don't want to forget that, or the events of this week and how happy I felt.
One more addition: Tonite on our way to Broadway at the Beach, the Mystery Machine passed by on the highway. Literally, the very same vehicle as seen on Scooby Doo. And I said, "hey look! the Mystery Machine!" and that was that. THEN, on the way back home, we were driving behind a Delorean, and I said, "hey look! a Delorean, just like the one from Back to the Future!". And then I looked at it more closely and realized, it really was like the one from BttF. It had all the additions just like the time machine did in the movie. And then I saw that the license plate directed you to a website, "bttfcom". And I said, "oh hey! It really IS the delorean from Back to the Future!". And then we decided that there must be some convention down here at the moment, or else random people like to drive up 17 in vehicles straight out of movies. OR maybe my dreams are coming true. I'll know for sure if I see Harry Potter fly by on a broomstick, or a dragon, or something cool. I'd even settle for an owl flying by with a letter attached to its leg.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be
Day 18: The person I wish I could be
Dear Future Me:
A better title would be a letter to who I wish I could become, cuz I always wanna stay me, just better. And future me, if you're anything like I'm hoping, then I'm pretty sure you're gonna look back on now-me and think "how the heck did that happen?" And I'll tell you right now, it'll be a miracle. A big one. Probably the biggest one ever. But I believe it's possible to be done. Because somehow, there's always things about me changing. I learn a little more. Get a little more experience. Get better. Grow. Find a puzzle piece or two that fit my whole big picture. Progress. Time is a funny thing. And I really hope that you look back on it all, and feel really happy, and accomplished.
So here's what I hope you're like future me: I hope you have a good education, and that you work doing something you love, but is still worthy of the occasional complaint. What's life without that? I hope you're a good mom. I hope even if you're old, or fat, or have one eye or one leg or a big ugly scar somewhere noticeable....that your husband and loved ones think you're beautiful. And I hope you don't care what anyone else thinks. I think I already have that one down basically, but hopefully I've perfected the art of not caring. I hope you've learned to go with your "gut instinct" so to speak, because it's always right. I hope you just get funner and funner with time. And I really hope that you're able to help so many people, and make them feel warm and welcome and happy and comfortable. But most importantly, I just hope you're a jolly soul, doing what you love with the people you love.
P.S. Will I ever reach the point where I look back on my past self and DON'T feel like I used to be a complete idiot? Because I pretty much always feel that way. I guess if I really think about it, the only time I feel that way is when I've made a mistake in the past, and know better now. And unfortunately I'm always gonna make mistakes my entire life, so it looks like I'm gonna be feeling like an idiot a lot in my future. Oh well. All a part of life.
Dear Future Me:
A better title would be a letter to who I wish I could become, cuz I always wanna stay me, just better. And future me, if you're anything like I'm hoping, then I'm pretty sure you're gonna look back on now-me and think "how the heck did that happen?" And I'll tell you right now, it'll be a miracle. A big one. Probably the biggest one ever. But I believe it's possible to be done. Because somehow, there's always things about me changing. I learn a little more. Get a little more experience. Get better. Grow. Find a puzzle piece or two that fit my whole big picture. Progress. Time is a funny thing. And I really hope that you look back on it all, and feel really happy, and accomplished.
So here's what I hope you're like future me: I hope you have a good education, and that you work doing something you love, but is still worthy of the occasional complaint. What's life without that? I hope you're a good mom. I hope even if you're old, or fat, or have one eye or one leg or a big ugly scar somewhere noticeable....that your husband and loved ones think you're beautiful. And I hope you don't care what anyone else thinks. I think I already have that one down basically, but hopefully I've perfected the art of not caring. I hope you've learned to go with your "gut instinct" so to speak, because it's always right. I hope you just get funner and funner with time. And I really hope that you're able to help so many people, and make them feel warm and welcome and happy and comfortable. But most importantly, I just hope you're a jolly soul, doing what you love with the people you love.
P.S. Will I ever reach the point where I look back on my past self and DON'T feel like I used to be a complete idiot? Because I pretty much always feel that way. I guess if I really think about it, the only time I feel that way is when I've made a mistake in the past, and know better now. And unfortunately I'm always gonna make mistakes my entire life, so it looks like I'm gonna be feeling like an idiot a lot in my future. Oh well. All a part of life.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Ooh, you're my best friend
Day 17: Someone from my childhood
Dear Em,
you were my first bff. We date back to sunbeams. Maybe even nursery...that's a question to ask our parents. I remember one of our primary teachers saying she could tell just by looking at the two of us together that we were kindred spirits and had been best friends before this life. And we would just look at each other and smile, as if to say "you will always be my favorite person. ever." I remember going over to your house allll the time on Sundays. My first ever sleep over was at your house. I remember getting in fights. And crying. And giggling. LOTS of giggling. And talking too. Who knew 6-year-old girls, not a care in the world, had so much drama to discuss? I remember going with your family to the farmshow and eating maple cottoncandy. And I remember going with you to Hersheypark when the Wildcat was brand new that summer, and running straight there when the park opened and riding it first. Way back in the day when that was still a good ride haha. (You wouldn't know this of course, but the Wildcat is now the worst ride in the entire park. Go on it if you want a concussion, or at least a migraine the rest of the day.)
I had no concept of distance at that age. I remember thinking you lived what seemed like forever away. Only to find out when I got older that your house had been 5 minutes from mine, and we lived in the same school district. Sometimes I like to think of the what-ifs, like what if we went to high school together? I bet I wouldn't have made 80% of all my stupid mistakes then if you had been by my side. But it was meant to be...I would be a zippo-fun, totally boring person without my mistakes.
So then came the summer we both turned 8 and got baptized a month apart, and then you moved away. To Panama. Of course back then, people just told me that was on the "other side of the world", which to me basically meant I was never gonna see you again. I don't think we ever got to properly say goodbye to eachother. Thank goodness for our parents who exchanged addresses, so we continued writing to each other all the time. (I remember using lots and lots of Lisa Frank stationary, because that was HUGE then. In fact, it was bigger than huge...it was my life.) And then you moved a few more times and we lost contact for awhile. A looooong while. I thought I'd never hear from you again.
Boy am I glad that a few years ago I found you on myspace, and now we're also facebook friends and our families stay in touch. It makes me really happy. Woot-woot for the internet; it can be a beautiful thing. Maybe sometime in the future we'll see each other again...it would be great fun. But at least now I know the location and goings-on of my very first bff and can read about your life and contact you if I ever need to. And I'm grateful. =)
Love,
Sheridan
Dear Em,
you were my first bff. We date back to sunbeams. Maybe even nursery...that's a question to ask our parents. I remember one of our primary teachers saying she could tell just by looking at the two of us together that we were kindred spirits and had been best friends before this life. And we would just look at each other and smile, as if to say "you will always be my favorite person. ever." I remember going over to your house allll the time on Sundays. My first ever sleep over was at your house. I remember getting in fights. And crying. And giggling. LOTS of giggling. And talking too. Who knew 6-year-old girls, not a care in the world, had so much drama to discuss? I remember going with your family to the farmshow and eating maple cottoncandy. And I remember going with you to Hersheypark when the Wildcat was brand new that summer, and running straight there when the park opened and riding it first. Way back in the day when that was still a good ride haha. (You wouldn't know this of course, but the Wildcat is now the worst ride in the entire park. Go on it if you want a concussion, or at least a migraine the rest of the day.)
I had no concept of distance at that age. I remember thinking you lived what seemed like forever away. Only to find out when I got older that your house had been 5 minutes from mine, and we lived in the same school district. Sometimes I like to think of the what-ifs, like what if we went to high school together? I bet I wouldn't have made 80% of all my stupid mistakes then if you had been by my side. But it was meant to be...I would be a zippo-fun, totally boring person without my mistakes.
So then came the summer we both turned 8 and got baptized a month apart, and then you moved away. To Panama. Of course back then, people just told me that was on the "other side of the world", which to me basically meant I was never gonna see you again. I don't think we ever got to properly say goodbye to eachother. Thank goodness for our parents who exchanged addresses, so we continued writing to each other all the time. (I remember using lots and lots of Lisa Frank stationary, because that was HUGE then. In fact, it was bigger than huge...it was my life.) And then you moved a few more times and we lost contact for awhile. A looooong while. I thought I'd never hear from you again.
Boy am I glad that a few years ago I found you on myspace, and now we're also facebook friends and our families stay in touch. It makes me really happy. Woot-woot for the internet; it can be a beautiful thing. Maybe sometime in the future we'll see each other again...it would be great fun. But at least now I know the location and goings-on of my very first bff and can read about your life and contact you if I ever need to. And I'm grateful. =)
Love,
Sheridan
Monday, August 16, 2010
Home...such a big feeling for such a little word
Day 16: Someone out of state/country
Dear western friends and family,
I love you, really and truly, but I don't think I was ever meant to be out there for very long periods of time. I'm not gonna go into detail because I hate hate HATE when people whine and cry about how awful my east coast home is. I mean really, probably my all-time BIGGEST pet peeve. So I will refrain from obnoxiously dissing the west. I've been all over Arizona. And I'm not really a fan...however, my dislike could be due to several factors having nothing to do with the actual place, I will admit. Idk, I get this weird vibe that I can't even explain. I do enjoy visiting, and hope to do so a lot in the future, since I have much family out there and one of my bff's moving out there in a couple weeks. I've been to Utah once, to volunteer at Best Friends in Kanab, and it was one of the best weeks of my life. The mountains are gorgeous. The snowboarding is great. I love the dry heat. But once I'm out west awhile, I always start missing green. Leafy trees. Grass. The only thing I never miss is humidity. And though I'm sure my hair will always be perfect when I'm out west, I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to stay out there. Yes, I know, I know, there's lots of other great reasons. But there's also a few cons, and they are really big ones.
So I love you, I miss you, I would love to come visit you and maybe (big maybe) even spend twoish years out there getting a Master's degree, but I don't think you'll ever find me out there permanently. Something tells me that the east coast is where I was meant to be. Or at least for now. =)
Dear western friends and family,
I love you, really and truly, but I don't think I was ever meant to be out there for very long periods of time. I'm not gonna go into detail because I hate hate HATE when people whine and cry about how awful my east coast home is. I mean really, probably my all-time BIGGEST pet peeve. So I will refrain from obnoxiously dissing the west. I've been all over Arizona. And I'm not really a fan...however, my dislike could be due to several factors having nothing to do with the actual place, I will admit. Idk, I get this weird vibe that I can't even explain. I do enjoy visiting, and hope to do so a lot in the future, since I have much family out there and one of my bff's moving out there in a couple weeks. I've been to Utah once, to volunteer at Best Friends in Kanab, and it was one of the best weeks of my life. The mountains are gorgeous. The snowboarding is great. I love the dry heat. But once I'm out west awhile, I always start missing green. Leafy trees. Grass. The only thing I never miss is humidity. And though I'm sure my hair will always be perfect when I'm out west, I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to stay out there. Yes, I know, I know, there's lots of other great reasons. But there's also a few cons, and they are really big ones.
So I love you, I miss you, I would love to come visit you and maybe (big maybe) even spend twoish years out there getting a Master's degree, but I don't think you'll ever find me out there permanently. Something tells me that the east coast is where I was meant to be. Or at least for now. =)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
Day 14: Someone I've Drifted Away From
Dear P,
Normally when people drift apart, it's a sad story, but I think we're doing ok. I do miss you though. When I think about my time spent at Millersville, yours will be the first face to pop in my mind of true friends that I made there. We were inseperable for a couple years, I remember strangers on campus commenting about that as we passed haha. You helped me through a really hard time. I don't think I ever shared with you all that was going on, but I always admired your confidence. You had suffered through some of the same issues and would talk about it with me, and I never went into detail about mine, but you strengthened me. And on top of that we think alike and have the same tastes about almost everything. You were exactly what I needed in a friend there. You may never read this and never know what you did for me, but I'll never forget you.
We don't see each other much anymore, or talk very often, but you were very important to me once and always will be. Earlier this summer when I helped save your facebook account, I was so happy that after all this time, you still trusted me with passwords and email accounts and all that private information. I was worried it would be awkward or you would want someone else to do it, and I felt relieved to know that trust was still there. I think that incident, as awful as it was, helped solidfy our friendship for me. I know despite growing up and moving on with life, we're still friends. I'm realizing this with a lot of friends lately, and you're no exception. I'm glad for the couple of years we spent together, doing everything together. Thanks for being there. =) Love you!
Dear P,
Normally when people drift apart, it's a sad story, but I think we're doing ok. I do miss you though. When I think about my time spent at Millersville, yours will be the first face to pop in my mind of true friends that I made there. We were inseperable for a couple years, I remember strangers on campus commenting about that as we passed haha. You helped me through a really hard time. I don't think I ever shared with you all that was going on, but I always admired your confidence. You had suffered through some of the same issues and would talk about it with me, and I never went into detail about mine, but you strengthened me. And on top of that we think alike and have the same tastes about almost everything. You were exactly what I needed in a friend there. You may never read this and never know what you did for me, but I'll never forget you.
We don't see each other much anymore, or talk very often, but you were very important to me once and always will be. Earlier this summer when I helped save your facebook account, I was so happy that after all this time, you still trusted me with passwords and email accounts and all that private information. I was worried it would be awkward or you would want someone else to do it, and I felt relieved to know that trust was still there. I think that incident, as awful as it was, helped solidfy our friendship for me. I know despite growing up and moving on with life, we're still friends. I'm realizing this with a lot of friends lately, and you're no exception. I'm glad for the couple of years we spent together, doing everything together. Thanks for being there. =) Love you!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop
Day 13: Someone I wish could forgive me
Dear J,
Whenever I think about you, which believe it or not does happen, I feel guilty. And I'm not really sure why. I'm afraid I hurt you much more than I could ever know, and it makes me hurt too. I know things between us didn't go the way you wanted it to, but I did try. When we first started talking online I was really happy about you and told my friends how cute and sweet you were and how I was so excited to meet you and see where things went. But that was just it...I made the effort to find a time to get together, and you kept dragging your feet about it. My friends kept asking me "so when are you meeting this guy?" and I never had anything to tell them. You didn't seem to want to meet me in person. And that's something that for me absolutely has to happen. I'm not having an online relationship. I'm not gonna move for someone I don't even know. And yes we live 2.5 hours apart, which you constantly complained about, but at some point if you want to make things happen, you have to just go for it.
And so what was I to do? You didn't want to meet me. Had you ever once said, "hey I'm free" I would've driven the whole distance to see you. But you never bothered. And then we started talking less. And other boys came into my life. Guys that actually made the effort to meet me. And then occasionally you would message me on facebook, and you were so sweet and so full of compliments (which I greatly appreciate) but there was always this underlying vibe that we were somehow committed to eachother. And I felt so strange, like I was cheating or something. And then one day, months too late, you gave me your phone number and told me to text/call when I felt like it, and I never knew what to do with it. I wanted to talk to you, you have always been so wonderful to me, but I was tired of putting forth effort and not getting anything back. You always left things up to me, when you should've been the one going for it and taking risks to prove that I was worth it. I just had nothing to say anymore.
And then soon after that, I think you realized that there were other people in my life. That I was going out with other guys, and my feelings for you had changed...from being ecstatic at the idea of meeting you to thinking you're just a nice guy and good friend. But in my defense, how can you love someone when you have never had the opportunity to look in their eyes or laugh with them or feel the chemistry and attraction? We've spoken once since then and you seemed really bitter and off, despite all attempts to tell me otherwise. And here I sit, terrified that I just broke someone's heart. If your feelings were really deep, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. If you feel betrayed, please forgive me. I didn't want it to happen this way either. Maybe it wasn't like that at all and I'm worrying over nothing. Just know that I do like you and always appreciated that you were there for me.
I know it's been a month or 2 since we've last spoken, but like I said then, you can always talk to me when you need to. If at any point you find time to hang out, I would be up for it. But you're the one that needs to make that effort. You make the call. You find the time. Not me. You're gorgeous and sweet and sincere. You're smart and ambitious and your future is bright. You're a beautiful person. Believe in yourself and your capabilities.
Sincerely,
Sheridan
Dear J,
Whenever I think about you, which believe it or not does happen, I feel guilty. And I'm not really sure why. I'm afraid I hurt you much more than I could ever know, and it makes me hurt too. I know things between us didn't go the way you wanted it to, but I did try. When we first started talking online I was really happy about you and told my friends how cute and sweet you were and how I was so excited to meet you and see where things went. But that was just it...I made the effort to find a time to get together, and you kept dragging your feet about it. My friends kept asking me "so when are you meeting this guy?" and I never had anything to tell them. You didn't seem to want to meet me in person. And that's something that for me absolutely has to happen. I'm not having an online relationship. I'm not gonna move for someone I don't even know. And yes we live 2.5 hours apart, which you constantly complained about, but at some point if you want to make things happen, you have to just go for it.
And so what was I to do? You didn't want to meet me. Had you ever once said, "hey I'm free" I would've driven the whole distance to see you. But you never bothered. And then we started talking less. And other boys came into my life. Guys that actually made the effort to meet me. And then occasionally you would message me on facebook, and you were so sweet and so full of compliments (which I greatly appreciate) but there was always this underlying vibe that we were somehow committed to eachother. And I felt so strange, like I was cheating or something. And then one day, months too late, you gave me your phone number and told me to text/call when I felt like it, and I never knew what to do with it. I wanted to talk to you, you have always been so wonderful to me, but I was tired of putting forth effort and not getting anything back. You always left things up to me, when you should've been the one going for it and taking risks to prove that I was worth it. I just had nothing to say anymore.
And then soon after that, I think you realized that there were other people in my life. That I was going out with other guys, and my feelings for you had changed...from being ecstatic at the idea of meeting you to thinking you're just a nice guy and good friend. But in my defense, how can you love someone when you have never had the opportunity to look in their eyes or laugh with them or feel the chemistry and attraction? We've spoken once since then and you seemed really bitter and off, despite all attempts to tell me otherwise. And here I sit, terrified that I just broke someone's heart. If your feelings were really deep, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. If you feel betrayed, please forgive me. I didn't want it to happen this way either. Maybe it wasn't like that at all and I'm worrying over nothing. Just know that I do like you and always appreciated that you were there for me.
I know it's been a month or 2 since we've last spoken, but like I said then, you can always talk to me when you need to. If at any point you find time to hang out, I would be up for it. But you're the one that needs to make that effort. You make the call. You find the time. Not me. You're gorgeous and sweet and sincere. You're smart and ambitious and your future is bright. You're a beautiful person. Believe in yourself and your capabilities.
Sincerely,
Sheridan
Monday, August 2, 2010
You're so vain, I bet you think this post is about you
Just an fyi, I don't hate, though I won't deny I have hated in my past. But I know better now. And so this letter is Day 12: Person who caused me a lot of pain, NOT Day 12: Person I hate the most.
Oh and disclaimer: the only private information I'm sharing is my own to share. All other info is already public. I'm not airing anyone's dirty laundry, nor do I wish to spread rumors. I'm stating fact.
Dear Dh,
the other day I was at a get-together with some old friends and your name came up. And you know, nowadays you never cease to put a smile on my face. This is saying something. There was a time that even hearing your name would make my heart jump up in my throat and I would start visibly shaking because you made me so angry. Now you're a complete stranger to me and hearing about your life is like hearing about someone I've never met. Time heals ALL wounds. Even serious awful ones. And that gives me hope.
I heard you failed out of college, with one semester left. At a school that charges per semester like what, $25,000? Maybe it's even more now, idk. Maybe that's what it costs a year...either way it's a crapton right?So you spent 7 semesters at school, most likely racked up enormous debt, and didn't work hard enough (understatement of the century) to have a degree to show for it. And if you ever want to go back to school, you'll have to start from the beginning, correct? I think it's safe to say almost none of those credits will transfer. And midst all of that you made yourself very unpopular there with a public, awful and sexist comment. And then that very same girl you directed the comment toward ended up overcoming all the obstacles you tried to throw at her and came out on top.
I just had to laugh. And not in that bitter, negative, laughing-at-your-misfortune kind of way. Though I have reason to, that's beneath me. Neither is it because I feel superior or smarter than you. It just really is quite hilarious. Like when you hear about some celebrity who just ALWAYS puts their foot in their mouth or does something dumb, and you laugh and think "what did they do this time?" That kind of thing. I know you won't think so, obviously, because it's your life. But trust me on this one. It's funny. What were you thinking? Were you? It all just seems so unreal. Especially thinking back to the person I knew 6 or 7 years ago who I called my best friend. It honestly feels like that happened 6,000 years ago in some other life.
Heard you cheated on your ex. That made me laugh too, because it didn't surprise me at all. I did feel really sorry for her though. You know, for awhile I thought I would be the only girl in your life you would ever do such a horrific thing to. That for some reason I was a special circumstance. You had me convinced I was low enough that I was the only worthless person you would do that to. But now I realize you treat all girls that way. Who'da thunk? You have not been faithful in any relationship you've ever been in. I'll tell you when I didn't laugh. When I heard speculation (yes, this isn't fact) that you cheated on your ex with your current fiancee. Because I don't care who she is, I don't care that there's not much going on upstairs for her, or that she's stupid enough to think that even though you cheated with her, she's "different" and you'll miraculously stop being a cheater and be loyal to her. She doesn't deserve that, and she won't deserve it 10 years from now when you've driven her hopes and dreams and self-esteem into the ground, leaving her depressed and heartbroken and a single parent, because you felt the need to belittle her and treat her like dirt while running around on her and sleeping with 15 different women. I pray you don't do that to her. I pray you remain faithful and devoted. I pray you love your kids and put them first before thinking of ruining your family to satisfy your physical needs with the president of the homewrecker club. Because even if she is an idiot, your wife deserves that from you. And your kids deserve a loving father who would do anything for them, not a selfish whore.
Surprise me. Be faithful for the first time in your life. If you have kids in the future, love them. Put their needs higher than yours. Be humble. I dare you.
You know what else makes me laugh in that you-cannot-be-serious kind of way? You proclaim to be religious and saintly and think you're up higher and better than lots of people. And in your mind you praise God for loving all the awful confused and sinful people beneath you, like women and homosexuals and Mormons and people who weren't born in this country and little kids and anyone who doesn't believe exactly what you do and the list goes on. And then there's all of us on that list who praise God for having a perfect love for the likes of you, someone the rest of us find so difficult to love. How He does it, no one knows. Despite the people you've hurt and the precious lives you've messed with, He still loves you and wants the best for you. And I can't understand it. As long as I live, I will never be able to love you or like you, or even want to be around you. But it's true. Maybe I'll understand one day.
I hope there's a day somewhere in your future when you'll figure things out, feel sorry for what you've done, and humbly believe in equality. Until then, God love you Dh, because frankly, no one else will.
Oh and disclaimer: the only private information I'm sharing is my own to share. All other info is already public. I'm not airing anyone's dirty laundry, nor do I wish to spread rumors. I'm stating fact.
Dear Dh,
the other day I was at a get-together with some old friends and your name came up. And you know, nowadays you never cease to put a smile on my face. This is saying something. There was a time that even hearing your name would make my heart jump up in my throat and I would start visibly shaking because you made me so angry. Now you're a complete stranger to me and hearing about your life is like hearing about someone I've never met. Time heals ALL wounds. Even serious awful ones. And that gives me hope.
I heard you failed out of college, with one semester left. At a school that charges per semester like what, $25,000? Maybe it's even more now, idk. Maybe that's what it costs a year...either way it's a crapton right?So you spent 7 semesters at school, most likely racked up enormous debt, and didn't work hard enough (understatement of the century) to have a degree to show for it. And if you ever want to go back to school, you'll have to start from the beginning, correct? I think it's safe to say almost none of those credits will transfer. And midst all of that you made yourself very unpopular there with a public, awful and sexist comment. And then that very same girl you directed the comment toward ended up overcoming all the obstacles you tried to throw at her and came out on top.
I just had to laugh. And not in that bitter, negative, laughing-at-your-misfortune kind of way. Though I have reason to, that's beneath me. Neither is it because I feel superior or smarter than you. It just really is quite hilarious. Like when you hear about some celebrity who just ALWAYS puts their foot in their mouth or does something dumb, and you laugh and think "what did they do this time?" That kind of thing. I know you won't think so, obviously, because it's your life. But trust me on this one. It's funny. What were you thinking? Were you? It all just seems so unreal. Especially thinking back to the person I knew 6 or 7 years ago who I called my best friend. It honestly feels like that happened 6,000 years ago in some other life.
Heard you cheated on your ex. That made me laugh too, because it didn't surprise me at all. I did feel really sorry for her though. You know, for awhile I thought I would be the only girl in your life you would ever do such a horrific thing to. That for some reason I was a special circumstance. You had me convinced I was low enough that I was the only worthless person you would do that to. But now I realize you treat all girls that way. Who'da thunk? You have not been faithful in any relationship you've ever been in. I'll tell you when I didn't laugh. When I heard speculation (yes, this isn't fact) that you cheated on your ex with your current fiancee. Because I don't care who she is, I don't care that there's not much going on upstairs for her, or that she's stupid enough to think that even though you cheated with her, she's "different" and you'll miraculously stop being a cheater and be loyal to her. She doesn't deserve that, and she won't deserve it 10 years from now when you've driven her hopes and dreams and self-esteem into the ground, leaving her depressed and heartbroken and a single parent, because you felt the need to belittle her and treat her like dirt while running around on her and sleeping with 15 different women. I pray you don't do that to her. I pray you remain faithful and devoted. I pray you love your kids and put them first before thinking of ruining your family to satisfy your physical needs with the president of the homewrecker club. Because even if she is an idiot, your wife deserves that from you. And your kids deserve a loving father who would do anything for them, not a selfish whore.
Surprise me. Be faithful for the first time in your life. If you have kids in the future, love them. Put their needs higher than yours. Be humble. I dare you.
You know what else makes me laugh in that you-cannot-be-serious kind of way? You proclaim to be religious and saintly and think you're up higher and better than lots of people. And in your mind you praise God for loving all the awful confused and sinful people beneath you, like women and homosexuals and Mormons and people who weren't born in this country and little kids and anyone who doesn't believe exactly what you do and the list goes on. And then there's all of us on that list who praise God for having a perfect love for the likes of you, someone the rest of us find so difficult to love. How He does it, no one knows. Despite the people you've hurt and the precious lives you've messed with, He still loves you and wants the best for you. And I can't understand it. As long as I live, I will never be able to love you or like you, or even want to be around you. But it's true. Maybe I'll understand one day.
I hope there's a day somewhere in your future when you'll figure things out, feel sorry for what you've done, and humbly believe in equality. Until then, God love you Dh, because frankly, no one else will.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
God Be With You, Til We Meet Again
Day 11: A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To
Ok, since I'm the boss of this blog, I've decided not to write a letter for day 11. Why, you ask? Because honestly I'm having way too much trouble trying to figure out a person to write to. I was talking with Mom about it, she said she could think of a bunch of people, but probably because she's older and has lost more. I've been to several funerals in the family. I'm close with people who have lost someone very dear to them. And yet I can't think of a thing I'd like to say to any of them. Weird? Idk. I suppose it's because I believe death isn't the end and we're all gonna be together again one day. So what's there to say now? "Hey. Love you. Miss you. Could you send some well wishes my way? You know, cuz you made it home and I'm still here and it gets really confusing sometimes...I need all the help I can get."
I have yet to lose someone very close to me that I want the chance to talk to one more time. Or someone that I wasn't on the best terms with and just wish I could've apologized and made things right. That hasn't happened yet for me.
The other week when the ysas took a trip to D.C., I saw the Lincoln exhibit at the Museum of American History and also the Lincoln Memorial and decided it would've been really fun to talk to Lincoln...does that count? But still, what could I say in a letter to him? "Umm, hi Mr. President, you were one of the greatest presidents in history and have some of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read." He's prolly up there going "yeah, I know...I rocked that". Nah I bet he's super-humble.
Am I being rude or unfeeling right now? I don't mean to. I know death is hard and one day it will really hit me...even knowing they're in a better place, there's gonna be people I'll miss desperately. But I guess the point of this post is, with the exception of a pet, it hasn't yet.
Give it some time. A few more years; a few more life experiences. It'll show up one day. And the hurt and loss will be so crippling and unbearable, and I'll look back on this post and be furious with myself, wishing I could go back to a time like this. Love the people in your lives with your entire heart. Give it away freely. You don't know how long those people will be with you, whether taken by death or ripped from you by grudges and hurt feelings. Love them, tell them how much you appreciate them, thank God for them.
Ok, since I'm the boss of this blog, I've decided not to write a letter for day 11. Why, you ask? Because honestly I'm having way too much trouble trying to figure out a person to write to. I was talking with Mom about it, she said she could think of a bunch of people, but probably because she's older and has lost more. I've been to several funerals in the family. I'm close with people who have lost someone very dear to them. And yet I can't think of a thing I'd like to say to any of them. Weird? Idk. I suppose it's because I believe death isn't the end and we're all gonna be together again one day. So what's there to say now? "Hey. Love you. Miss you. Could you send some well wishes my way? You know, cuz you made it home and I'm still here and it gets really confusing sometimes...I need all the help I can get."
I have yet to lose someone very close to me that I want the chance to talk to one more time. Or someone that I wasn't on the best terms with and just wish I could've apologized and made things right. That hasn't happened yet for me.
The other week when the ysas took a trip to D.C., I saw the Lincoln exhibit at the Museum of American History and also the Lincoln Memorial and decided it would've been really fun to talk to Lincoln...does that count? But still, what could I say in a letter to him? "Umm, hi Mr. President, you were one of the greatest presidents in history and have some of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read." He's prolly up there going "yeah, I know...I rocked that". Nah I bet he's super-humble.
Am I being rude or unfeeling right now? I don't mean to. I know death is hard and one day it will really hit me...even knowing they're in a better place, there's gonna be people I'll miss desperately. But I guess the point of this post is, with the exception of a pet, it hasn't yet.
Give it some time. A few more years; a few more life experiences. It'll show up one day. And the hurt and loss will be so crippling and unbearable, and I'll look back on this post and be furious with myself, wishing I could go back to a time like this. Love the people in your lives with your entire heart. Give it away freely. You don't know how long those people will be with you, whether taken by death or ripped from you by grudges and hurt feelings. Love them, tell them how much you appreciate them, thank God for them.
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