Oh, life

I have a huge desire to blog right now, though nothing pressing to tell...so I may just ramble. We'll see where this goes.

Things are starting to look a little lighter. A lot lighter, actually. I just know the fight isn't over. Never is, unfortunately. I had a hunch that I would enjoy life more when I have things to do, places to go, people to see. And it's so very true. Thursday nite I went to Millersville to visit Ellen and had a super-fun time catching up with her and other people, and just being there and doing the same old things we've been doing for the past 3 years. And she's RA-ing in our old freshman dorm and I had SO many flashbacks being in there haha. It was awesome. And then Friday nite I went out to eat with a few of the YSA's and we went to see Leap Year afterward. Oh my goodness, it was so cute. LOVED it. I'm buying it the second it comes out. Ok I lie, I'm buying it once I can find it somewhere for like 10 bucks haha. And it was a very good sign that I could not only sit through but actually enjoy a romantic comedy/love story. Maybe this means I can slowly start watching my movies again. I've been craving Bridget Jones and First Wives Club for a week or so now. ;)

No job yet, booooooo. =( I'm getting uber annoyed about that. I should probably start getting aggressive and calling places... "have you looked at my application yet? cuz you really need to". I mean honestly, I'm applying for a position that they constantly are hiring for and need more of, and you either need a degree or experience to apply. I know they're hiring, I have both the degree and lots of experience, AND I can speak spanish. What is the deal? From all I've heard, I was expecting these places to be like "omg, an applicant for a TSS position, call her right now!" Not happening. Stupid stupid stupid.

Anywho, I'm just gonna keep applying. Need to start making some moolah for Disney World/Spain in like a month! Not sure which it will be yet, but hopefully one of them. Either way, this year's spring break trip is gonna be amazing! I really really can't wait. Hmm, what other exciting things are coming up? Febcon's in a few weeks...I'm actually thinking about going (*GASP*) if I can find someone to go with me haha. And Breaking Ben's coming up fast too. Yay for exciting things in life.

So today I drove over to the Colonial Park mall cuz I had a $10 card for American Eagle that needed to be used, and belted my lungs out to Nsync and Flo Rida and Beyonce and Mamma Mia and who knows what else. Another good sign that I'm starting to be me again. I've been silent for a long time. And for anyone who's curious, I bought a pair of jeans and a super-cute shirt for $24. =)


In closing, I look good in red. Check it out.(If you get that, then I love you. Well ok, I love you anyway of course!)


Oh and random thought that I just feel like saying for the sake of remembering: Take note, boys. ;) I'm not the type of girl to know what kind of engagement ring I want and have my entire wedding planned out years in advance. I'm more interested in just being with the love of my life than all the lavish stuff. That being said, I've decided as of late that if a guy really wanted to sweep me off my feet, he wouldn't buy some fancy-schmancy uber expensive brand new diamond. He'd find a diamond with history...family history. Most romantic thing EVER. I know it's not always possible, but definitely has been my dream...to be proposed to with a story like "this was the ring my grandpa gave my grandma and they were married for 40 years" or something sweet like that. =)

P.S. I really wish I had some fun pictures to put with my posts, but I haven't taken any lately...give me a couple months after I've been on all these awesome adventures...


Here's me and my goofball cat, Salem.


My cute nephew Conrad, who I met for the first time at Christmas.


Friends. =)


Lead guitarist of Boys Like Girls loving my camera attention haha


Me trying to do the whole sexy thing.


Not the best picture, but the closest I've ever been to my favorite Phillie, who officially got signed on for another 3 years the other day, yay!




Ok, the end. Hope you enjoyed my ramblings and random pictures.

happy thoughts

This post is in honor of the things that helped carry me along today.


1.) "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin' like a FOOL with yo pants on the ground!" It's been in my head all day, and I LOVE it haha. I haven't sung or had a song in my head in months.

2.) I applied to Keystone Health Services to be a TSS, and have good feelings about it...we'll see. I'll be in Dauphin county schools, but I can handle that. I'm just SO tired of being jobless, it's really bringing me down. Philhaven is being a bum and T.W. Ponessa's application process is entirely too elaborate. They require about 10 different documents, copies, transcripts, clearances, fingerprints, etc. upon applying...RIDICULOUS. I've heard bad things about them anyway.

3.) Reading Harry Potter. =) It's nice to read anything that's not a textbook, but Harry's always been a fave.

4.) I read this article from a general authority (yes, I do this a lot...you should try it sometime) and he said that grief and sorrow for someone else's sufferings is a natural by-product of true love. And for some unknown reason, that comforted me. I guess I figured even though I may not have been the best example in the world, I did the best I possibly could for someone and can walk away knowing I truly loved.

5.) chocolate...the only food I don't have to force myself to eat right now.

6.) Homestar Runner. Just go to the website and watch the character video on the Poopsmith, and you will understand.

7.) Plans to go to the farm show tomorrow with my Shenks roomies...yay for amazing food and cute animals and friends that I haven't seen in a long time.

8.) I'm going to see Breaking Benjamin with Ian at Penn State next month! I've been wanting to see them for THEE longest time, you really have no idea. Just made plans today, can't wait. =)



This list might not seem like much, and you're right, it's probably not. But it's all I have; it's a start. Holding onto things like this is what keeps me off of scary medications that I'm terrified to take. And if I focus on the list of 2973481 things that made my day awful, I'll never be better. Those 2973481 things tend to make me forget everything else but them.

So for some reason I just thought of Elf and how at one point Buddy says, "So, good news! I saw a dog today!" haha. Life is so much better when we find joys in the smallest things. =) Especially during times when the smallest things is all you have.

Just once

This is about the same old thing. Same pain, same heartache, same fears. So if you're tired of reading about it, don't. If you're thinking to yourself "ugh, she's STILL not over this?" No, ok? NO. And I'm really sorry. I wish I felt differently. I'm trying my hardest to feel better, if that counts for anything.





I feel like such a failure. No, I don't feel like it. I am a failure.

I know, I know. I know what you're thinking. I'm not. I'm a college graduate and a go-getter and I know exactly what I want and I have friends and family who love me. I know. But all that is me me me me me.

I feel like a failure/am one, because whenever I try to be selfless, to help someone else or make their lives better or happier, which is something I've always believed I was meant to do...they end up running and screaming in the other direction as fast as they can go. Every time. EVERY TIME. You'd think I'd get used to it too, but it actually feels worse each time it happens. And maybe I should've learned by now to never try to make the people I love happy, because somehow I always end up with one less loved one after the fact. (I know this makes no sense...trust me it doesn't to me either.) 5 months ago I met someone who mattered more to me than just about anyone, and I did all I could to bring them happiness, wholeheartedly believing that the love I felt would ALWAYS be returned equally. And now here I sit...unspeakable things have been said and done, there's been zero contact between us for over a month, and not even a glimmer of hope of us ever making amends. And a party would probably be thrown if it was known how miserable I am about that, or how much I hope and pray for a change.

So I chose a helping profession? Am I crazy? If I do become a school psychologist, I'll love the kids and try to give them good advice and they'll be like "no thank you, just because you said that I'm gonna go shoot up heroin/sell myself on the corner/get pregnant at 13/commit suicide". Ok, now I'm being dramatic.



And yet with all that being said, I know I still need to try to spread happiness and success to others. But just this once, just ONCE...could I help someone out, bring someone happiness and they love me even more for it? Not leave me and despise me and tear me apart? Could they say, "you loved me so much that you were willing to do this for me, and I'll never forget you" or "you brought me so much peace and happiness, you made me better just for being you, thank you"? Oh, just once. Just one soul. And great would be my joy.




P.S. To all you lovely people out there who actually do read this, bless your hearts. Because this is about the worst blog EVER to have to read, and you're the ones that know I'm normally the happiest person in the world and can't stop singing or dancing or hoping or laughing about something. One day I'll be that person again.

Not my problem but still my problem?

I have a question for everyone out there...and I don't care if I don't know you that well and you're reading this (stalker...j/k), you can still feel free to answer cuz I'm curious. At really low points in your life, what did you do to get through it? If you don't mind telling, what happened that made you feel so awful? And to use church lingo, what do you think it means to "endure it well"?

I've been trying to figure out what that means. I suppose it's different in all situations. It's hard for me this time around tho, because for once I'm in a situation where I did nothing wrong. Someone I love let me down and hurt me, but even worse, they're hurting themselves, and if it continues, their future. I KNOW I'll be ok. I have everything going for me right now. But I don't know that that person will be ok. And it really REALLY terrifies me. I have never been so anxious for someone else's welfare in my life. So what do you do when the thing you have to endure through isn't exactly your problem, but you still feel like you're dying knowing that the other person is ruining themselves?

Good grief, I should never have children haha. Anywho, I know I need to be patient and be me and live my life. I'll get there. But the not knowing and the wait for understanding and for things to get better KILLS me. I am soooo impatient.

I probably sound really self-righteous right now. Wow that's new for me. It's not like that though. I'm not one to think that anyone's life or decisions are wrong. That's not up to me to judge. But there's things you don't want for anyone, you know? You don't want your loved ones to suffer from addiction. You don't wanna see anyone choose to go back to an abusive relationship. It's more like that. I hope I'm being understood here.



So yesterday I was browsing and I came across this really awesome article by President Benson from the mid-70's. I'm one of those people that when bad things start happening in my life, I really have to fight to not fall into depression. I've been there and never wanna go back, but it's a struggle. And though I'm sure he probably didn't take a single psychology class ever, he spoke as someone who studied the science his whole life. I would know. ;) Anywho, I think it's super-helpful and he hit the nail right on the head, so if you're interested/at all like me/feeling down lately, check it out. It's called Do Not Despair.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. =) Thanks to all who have been there for me lately and have been helping, as I said a couple posts ago, to carry me. I still don't feel the strength to walk by myself, but I know with all your continued help, it won't be long. I love you all.

To keep my resolution alive, I'll end by dwelling on some happy things.
#1. Ellen will be home from Chile really soon and she says things like this: "that anyone could love you so much and then mistreat you in the end makes me want to vomit" (told you I'd quote you haha) and I laugh, and I can't wait to visit her at Millersville. =)
#2. I sent in my application to be a TSS with Philhaven today and will hopefully have a real job real soon!
#3. My car needed new wiper blades so Dad went today and it only cost $10. Woot.

Don't wanna hear it

I need to make a Twilight reference. Now before I do and you judge me to be "one of THOSE girls", let me get my opinion of Twilight straight. I read the books like 3 years ago when no one on earth heard of them. If you'd say "twilight" the only people who knew what you were talking about were either from Arizona, or LDS girls. And I loved the books...thought it was the greatest love story in the world. But now, after all this time and 10 million annoying girls swooning over every word, I'm just like "meh". Which sucks...I used to think the books were great, but they've just lost something for me. I also think Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are sleazy, lame, and terrible at depicting the true essence of the characters, which makes it hard to like the movies. Thank goodness for Taylor Lautner, who I think is actually decent (and not just for his amazing build, tho that helps). ;)

Ok now that that's out of the way. In New Moon, Bella hates music. I always thought this was over the top...whenever I've been hurt or going thru a tough time, I listen to music ALL THE TIME. I had this major emo music phase for awhile, and it had such an impact on me, I still love it and listen to it. It helped me thru a lot.

But today I realized...I can't listen to music. It makes my ears bleed, or my head feel like it's gonna explode. I can't listen to stuff that a few weeks ago I was REALLY into (Boys Like Girls, Cobra Starship, Aerosmith, Chris Brown), I can't listen to my faves. Don't wanna hear emo, don't wanna hear pop. Don't wanna hear country. Don't wanna hear the radio. Don't wanna hear about happy love, forever love, abusive love, hurting love, belonging together, break-ups, no break-ups, getting dumped, dumping someone, marriages, future wifeys, other halves, love games, cheating, lying, perfect love, making up, dreams, growing love, broken hearts, first kisses, using someone, trust, mistrust, moving on, not being able to move on, getting over it....DO. NOT. WANNA. HEAR IT.

Wanna know what I do listen to when the silence in my car becomes too much? Hymns. That's right, I said it. Aside from quiet, it happens to be the only soothing sound. Ugh, this is ridiculous. Music's always been a HUGE part of my life. To quote Beauty and the Beast, "how long must this go on?" Anywho, I guess I understand that part of the book now.