Gratitude

It's the last day of November and I never got around to doing my "what I'm thankful for" post. I have 2.5 hours to get it done. Heweigo....

30 things for each day of this month:

1. family

Yes, the typical first response. But honestly, that's what life is all about.

2. friends

Ah, friends. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love and appreciate and enjoy the company of wonderful friends in my life. They mean the world to me.

3. my job

My job has given me so much. Experience, a chance to increase my knowledge and figure out where to go next, friends, how-to's in dealing with autism, defiance, mental retardation, bad behavior, highly agitated agressive individuals, and people who you don't like/don't like you haha. A client who I'll never ever forget. And I'm now fully prepared for motherhood in the whole nothing-in-the-entire-world-grosses-me-out-anymore kind of way as to bodily functions, fluids, etc. I've seen it all.

4. prayer

Nothing soothes me more or brings me more comfort and peace.

5. missionaries

They're out there all over the world sacrificing life for a little while for a most noble cause. Changing lives and changing themselves. And I love them for it. Here's to you Josh, Aaron, Juan, Nate, Caleb, Austin, and all other friends serving. (And also service missionaries too...I've learned to appreciate service missions recently, since hopefully I'll be doing one soon with the church's ARP! I'm really excited...but more on that later.)

6. my trusty car

She's been so good to me. =)

7. music

When you can't find the words to say.

8. food

And with that, the consumption of food. Such a wonderful thing haha.

9. the joy of cooking

I'm grateful to know a little about cooking, and to so thoroughly enjoy doing it. Definitely a hobby of mine.

10. my bed

Also, sleeping. Sometimes, when I first crawl in my bed at nite, it's so comfy and warm and wonderful, I say out loud, "I love you bed."

11. movies

I don't even know what to say about this...I love movies. I basically cry at some point in every one I've ever watched...isn't it cool the emotions it can bring out in you? The whole watching experience is awesome to me.

12. my sense of smell

I'm thinking this probably has to do with the fact I'm a complete glutton, and smell is most closely related to taste and just goes along with the whole eating process. Also the whole location in the brain/memory thing. But really I'm just a fat kid.

13. the Christmas spirit

and Christmas music and everything else about the season too. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

14. sunshine, and LIGHT in general

after the rainiest grossest fall/year EVER, and with the shortest day of the year upon us, I've come to really appreciate things that bring light in my life, and sunshiney days

15. laughing

definitely one of my favorite things to do

16. people who make me laugh

this includes basically everyone...I laugh at everything

17. not having to ever take the GRE again!

WOOOOOOOOOHOO.

18. little kids and what I learn from them

amidst the bluntness, lack of filters, the short attention span, the temper tantrums...are little people that exercise God-like attributes like no one else can

19. cute clothes

I'm a girl...I enjoy a great pair of jeans, shirts that make the green in my eyes stick out, SHOES most definitely, and above all, FINDING IT ALL FOR CHEAP haha

20. cute boys

=)

21. difficult experiences

I learn so much. If it weren't for poop experiences, I wouldn't learn, grow, progress, appreciate the good things, and prove my character, desires, and hopes.

22. paramedics, nurses, therapists, mental health workers and other selfless people who save lives and teach valuable skills

The lives of several people I know and love have been saved recently because of them.

23. dancing

I'm not very good, but when I'm happy it just kinda happens.

24. Harry Potter

Other good reads too. Can't imagine my life without being able to dive into another world for awhile thru a book.

25. second chances

I'm really good at judging and/or disliking someone right off the bat. And some of my now most dear and wonderful friends, were once those people. I can think of a good handful of them that this has happened in the past year. And it's been the most humbling and incredible experience to be given the chance to love them again the way I should, and they've been so forgiving and understanding and love me anyway. Makes me feel really small, and really blessed at the same time.

26. forgiveness

One of my favorite quotes, to err is human, to forgive divine.

27. the fact that (as of now) I'm cool with aging because so far, I like myself better every year

Had this discussion with Mom the other day. The gray hair that in the past 3 months has decided to grow exponentially on my head I could do without haha. But as far as age as a number...don't care! Cuz every year when I look back on my experiences and how far I've come, I feel so blessed and am sooo grateful for where I am and where I'm going.

28. the Book of Mormon

No, this is not a cheesy attempt to be preachy. It's the honest truth. It's changed my life, and in fact since I'm currently reading it, changing my life every day. It makes me feel better, happier, there's more clarity. Helps me get through difficult situations and lots of discouragement. I wake up in the morning and I'm in a good mood. That doesn't always just happen for me.

29. sessions of "remember when" with old friends

Had one of these recently via facebook about a trip to Mexico I went on my senior year of high school. It just makes you feel so good, gives you a lot of laughs, ya know?

30. my blog

Also, the internet. And my laptop. Anywho, I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my blog. It's been such a great outlet. Helps me clear up the jumble of thoughts in my head. Documents my life because I'm a terrible journal-er. It's just been really great.

I believe in miracles

MY GRAD APPS ARE ALL DONE! MY GRAD APPS ARE ALL DONE! WOOOOHOO.

What a week. Holy goodness.

It all began about a week and a half ago actually when I decided I was finally ready to take the GRE, expecting that I could just sign up for the next day or so and there would still be space. Well, there wasn't space...for anywhere within a 150 mile radius, until December or January. Minor freaking out ensued. I needed to take the thing asap. However, I happened to be online at the right time to notice that a space became available for Saturday the 19th at 8AM at a testing center near Philly, and despite the distance and how early that meant getting up, I took it. Really didn't have any other choice. Plus I decided I would be making a definite stop at King of Prussia on my way home for a celebratory massive slice of cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.

So then over the next few days I started realizing how much I still had to do to get this applying out of the way, starting with recommendation letters. Here's how clueless I am about the whole thing: I honestly had to google "how to request a recommendation letter" to learn the proper requesting etiquette. Found a good answer, and spent an entire evening crafting emails to several professors and a supervisor requesting letters. Next step, waiting to see if they agree to do it.

The first response came the next morning. Right after I woke up, I check my email, only to discover a nasty turn down from a professor who had been my advisor, known me better than most, and I once respected (until that morning, pretty much) who in her wonderfully passive-aggressive way decided to not just decline, but take a few stabs at me personally. How kind. I read it and this is what happened next... *sniff**sniff* that was so *sniffle* MEAN. *tears start welling up* Pull yourself together, it'll be ok. *wipes under my eyes* It'll be ok. I asked other professors, I'll be fine. But WOW she didn't have to be so awful. *long drawn out sniffle-sob* I never knew she had a problem with me, I always thought we got along. *hiccup** a few tears spill over* OMG ALL MY PROFESSORS HATED ME I'M NEVER GETTING INTO GRAD SCHOOL EVERRRRRR.

Dramatic, I know. But it was a harsh start. (Don't worry, I've forgiven her. Not everyone will like you in life.) Response #2 came about 20 minutes later from another professor, and he was so sweet and kind, complimenting me on what a great student I had been and how willing he was to write for me. And this is what happened next... *FULL BLOWN CRYING HYSTERICALLY* Awww he's so nice, thank you Dr. ______, THANK YOU. *sob*sob*

Haha I was an emotional rollercoaster. Response 3 and 4 came a little later, and they were both like #2. And I ended up appreciating them more, because of the first one. So all was well in the world of my recommendations. Except, I never knew all the effort it took for every little step in this process. Printing out forms, filling out forms, waiving rights, pre-stamping and addressing envelopes, sending it all out to your recommenders. One of my profs requested that I send all this extra stuff like my personal statement, which made me realize "Ahh, I haven't even written that yet!" So I said a little prayer and that very day sat down and just typed that thing out like nobody's business haha. 3 pages of my academic and professional history in psychology and why I'm awesome. ;)

So while all that was going on, so was the studying, prepping, studying, and prepping for the GRE. And quickly the day arrived. Here's where the story gets good. I wake up at 4:45AM. Get ready. Noticed that I felt a little bloated and wasn't hungry, attributed it to nerves and the fact that I'm never hungry right away when I wake up, and ate a little anyway. (Breakfast is important, people.) And I'm on my merry way to the testing center before the sun's even up. I also had been noticing since I got up that I felt, what's a good word for it, woozy? Dizzy and kinda light-headed? Couldn't figure out what that was about, just hoped it would go away. I get to the testing center, ready to kick that 4.5-hour test's butt. End up having to wait forever cuz there was a thousand people there, and finally start the dang thing half an hour late. I zip through the first section (the 2 essays) no problem. Start the second section, math, and started noticing more pronounced bouts of the weird fuzziness in my head. Prayed that it would go away, tried to do my best. Third section, verbal. A dull headache begins manifesting itself. Prayed that it would go away, managed to keep concentrating, felt really good about that section. 10-minute break time. Hallelujah. Still feeling slightly on the verge of passing out, I went to the bathroom to put my head down. Noticed that I had color in my face just fine and I remember thinking "why does my head feel like this then, what the heck is wrong with me?" Told myself it's half over, prayed that I'd feel well enough to get through the test, went back in, sat down, thought to myself "let's do this". Fourth section, math again. Not the greatest mathematician, so once again, just did the best I could whilst battling a fuzzy, achey head. Fifth section, verbal. An important one, because that's what psychology programs care about. Began having serious trouble concentrating and kept catching myself holding my head in my hand because it took effort not to, and started realizing my head was now not only fuzzy and achey, but warm. ("Am I getting a fever?") For the millionth time, prayed that I would make it through and get the scores I need. By the end of that section, I was pretty certain that not only did I just bomb it but why, yes yes, this isn't just nerves and the room's not hot, I am feverish and feel really awful! Sixth and final section, the supposed "experimental" section that doesn't count, math. In past years they didn't tell you which one was the experimental so you wouldn't just screw it up on purpose, and so I wasn't sure if this one definitely was and wanted to do the best I could. But 5 minutes into it, it hit me like a ton of bricks- I feel like I'm going to pass out, but I'm about to barf. Booked it outta the room, had to wait for the lady to find my name in the book so I could sign out, signed out (stupid security precautions), ran down the first hall into the lobby area, grabbed the bathroom key (because of course, they keep a 4-stall public bathroom locked), ran down 2 more hallways to the bathroom, took what felt like an hour fumbling with the stupid key, made it in there (oh thank goodness) and grossness ensued- all in a matter of 30 seconds. I'll leave out the details. Suffice it to say, SO GROSS. And so unexpected- like really, what happened to, oh I don't know, your stomach hurting when it's upset? 12 minutes later I returned, thinking "of all things I imagined, never thought THAT would happen".  Felt like crap, didn't even care anymore, attempted to answer the questions with the little time I had left but thought they were insanely difficult and skipped over half of them, and then it was all over. I was already preparing excuses in my head to tell admissions people why my scores were bad. But then 10 seconds later I got my scores, and they were better than I could've hoped for given the circumstances. They actually reached the goal I had set previously. Which caused the tears to well up, I was so relieved, and grateful.

Sadly I couldn't get my "yay! the GRE's over!" cheesecake, not only because it made me sick thinking about it but because after stopping at a KOP parking lot I literally did not have the energy or strength to get out of my car and walk into the mall. It was a struggle just to drive home. But make it home I did, and spent the rest of the weekend completely incapacitated. (Still not over it actually...just started eating again a couple hours ago, wish me luck.) So with awe and amazement I look back on that test and thank God that He answered my 10 million prayers and got me through that thing. And that I got the scores I needed. AND that I didn't get sick sooner, which would've made me unable to take the test at all, I would've forfeited all that money, and wouldn't have been able to reschedule the test until too late. ANNND that I got thru the entire week and was able to accomplish an incredible amount. Because now,

MY APPS ARE FINISHED, COMPLETE, ALL NEEDED PARTS IN TRANSIT OR TAKEN CARE OF!!! yay. Much to be thankful for.

And THAT is the story of how this girl came down with the stomach flu in the middle of one of the most important and most expensive tests of her life. =)

As for grad schools, now all I gotta do is wait, the ball is in their court.

My big dream

So, the other week a friend asked me what's on my bucket list, and I had to admit...I don't really have one. How weird am I? At least not one I've ever taken the time to document anywhere. Anyway, I sort of have this dream, it's kind of always been in the back of my mind since the 9th grade, but lately won't leave my brain alone. And I've decided it belongs on my bucket list. Except, I'm pretty sure it's kind of a pre-having kids things or it'll prolly never happen.

I wanna be the star of a musical. Or at least a larger role. And my really really big dream within this dream...is to play not just anyone, but Marguerite from the Scarlet Pimpernel. My favorite story, favorite musical, favorite heroine. If you don't know the story or the music, FIND IT. It's beautiful. I literally dreamt I was performing this on stage the other nite, this is how much I've been thinking about it.

I haven't been on stage (acting) since high school, and I'm starting to itch.

And back then I had no balls and no confidence or self-esteem to think I could do something like that. Times have changed. I'm a little different and I think a little different. I know better. And no one can put me down, stifle my dreams, or hold me back! Except, ya know, the people I audition for. =) May I also point out that the put me down line is from Wicked and I did that unintentionally...this musical thing is literally all over my subconcious.

So look out community theaters in nearby areas of Pennsylvania, here I come!

Would you come see me in a musical? ;)

My Love Life: A Proclamation to Whoever's Reading This

Alright guys, I need to blog something that's been on my mind since...Saturday, I think, before I explode. My little proclamation to the people in my life.

I will need to choose my words carefully, so as not to offend any of my friends who I know mean well, and so as to not reveal private information. And also just because I've learned in life that the phrase "some things are better left unsaid" applies to 98% of what you say when your emotions are high.

And mine are high. I'm feeling really frazzled and annoyed and confused.

The proclamation is three-fold:

1. Do not, I repeat do NOT give me boy advice. Unless I come to you about it.

I don't want it, I don't need it. I DO need someone to talk to who won't judge me or try to convince me that how they feel about the situation is the right way to go. And who will keep things confidential. Good gravy I just described a therapist.

2. Stop trying to hook me up with every guy in the history of the world.

What the heck? I'm only 20 freakin 3, and I don't need to become some project. I could get anyone if I wanted to, settle for someone and be married in a few months, but this is the most important decision in my life and I'm gonna be real careful about who I pick. I know what I'm doing, I don't need your help...I have more offers and options than I care to think about, and I love someone currently and seriously dating someone else would not be fair for either the new guy or me at this point. SO GET OFF MY BACK.

3. On the matter of opinions:

A. Do not pity me because I love someone who doesn't love me back on the same level, or because you and your missionary are so barfy-in love and planning your wedding already and I'm not.

I recognize it and it doesn't bother me. That's no reason to just drop someone and stop loving them. Stop thinking you know better than me. This is MY LIFE. Ugh I feel like such a teenager saying that. Love is patient, love is not easily angered, love envieth not, love believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love gives with no thought of getting anything back, and isn't discouraged when all it gets is negative feedback. I recognize the age gap is big and the maturity gap even bigger. I'm not afraid. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket or worrying about it. I'm not being naive or stupid. I'm not irrationally expecting him to be as perfect as Jesus when he gets home in 2 years. I'm trying to love one of my best friends with a real, true, charity-like love. And I refuse to treat the relationship like it means nothing and it's not important and disrespect him in such a way. I realize some of you have known him all your lives, but I know him too. I know how he really feels, I know how he is, I know. And I love him, so deal.

B. Do not gossip or judge me and call me any of the following: slut/skank/whore/etc because I'm "waiting for a missionary" and I'm dating other guys. Do NOT ever let the gossipy stinging words come out of your mouth that I must not really love or care about him.

My missionary is my best friend right now, and that's it. And since neither of us are positive of our future, what do you think I'm gonna do? Sit and pine and be miserable? Of course not. I need to go figure out if other guys are or aren't right, so eventually I can know for sure if he is or isn't. You have no idea how much I love him. Enough to recognize and know what he needs, where he is and the potential he has. Enough to support him and pray for him and want whats best for him, even though he may not appreciate me at all or write me very often. Enough to realize that a fickle young heart might never love me back like I want him to or treat me like I deserve, and I love anyway.

C. When I've made a decision, don't discourage me, support me.

For the past 2 months, all I've gotten from practically everyone but my mom and my young women's leader from back in the day is doubt, discouragement, hopelessness, and confusion. Those aren't fruits of the spirit guys, I'm just sayin'. He hasn't even been gone quite 2 months yet and the toll this has taken on me emotionally is almost too hard to bear.

Support me for goodness sake...you're my loved ones.

I know this song is more about separation from death, but something about it mends a part of my heart right now.