happy to be alive

Well, either no one wanted to discuss my last post or no one reads this...which ever it is, I'm not offended and I'm gonna keep posting haha. Besides I think I've figured out how to handle my situation.

Anyway, I need to rant. An hour and a half ago, I left work happy as a clam (btw I don't get that phrase...why are clams happy?) and figured it would just be my usual drive home down 81...heavy traffic, windows down, singing along to my music. And then someone almost killed me. And I mean this. Yes, I tend to exaggerate, like for example there's a fly buzzing around my room right now and it's the size of my head. But I'm not exaggerating about this. I was driving in the middle of 3 lanes minding my own business, and all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye, I see the minivan next to me on the right getting super close to me, and I panicked, sped up, and swerved to miss getting side swiped and pushed into the tractor-trailer in the left lane. WOO-HOO...exactly what I wanted to happen on my drive home. Must have been in their blind spot, I guess...they were like right next to me. And I should've honked my horn, but I didn't have time to even think. So no biggie, right? I was kinda shaken up, but I'd get over it. Oh, but it gets better. So as I'm still in panicky/I almost died/freaking out mode, the minivan merges behind me, and then decides to ride my butt and when they get the chance, speed past me blaring their horn and all passengers of the van put their windows down, stuck their hands out and flicked me off.

For the next 20 minutes I drove, sitting rigid, not singing a word, completely out of it...and then it all hit me and I started BAWLING. Partly, because I had just almost been killed. But mostly, because it bothers me how little value people put into other's lives. That person, because of their own carelessness and inattention, almost pushed me into a tractor trailer, which would've been the death of me and my poor little car. And then on top of that, being the wonderful people they were, after doing all that had the nerve to use a gesture signifying they clearly wish I would've died. Like I did something wrong. Way to be, minivan driver, way to be. Glad to know my life is worth something to you. I love you too.

I'm normally that person that loves every person on the face of the earth, friend or stranger. I love people. But not today. Today, my faith in humanity is gone. Unfortunately, that anxious feeling in my body is not. It scares me how some people change into selfish monsters once they get behind the wheel of a vehicle. =(

I'm alive right now, my car miraculously was untouched, I'm at home resting, and I have wonderful people in my life who make me really happy. And for that, I'm grateful.

If you can't get someone out of your head, are they supposed to be there?

Question. Is it better to:

a.) wear your heart on your sleeve and put yourself and your feelings out there when there's a good chance you'll get hurt/rejected/mocked

OR

b.) act like something that's making you miserable really doesn't bother you at all and you could not care less what happens

Have you ever been in a situation where you did one or the other? What happened? Discuss.


Here's my answer:

It all depends on the situation. Normally, I wear my heart on my sleeve, because for example, if you don't let someone know that what they're doing hurts you, they could continue walking all over you knowing that you'll just put up with it and won't stick up for yourself. Also, if you really care about someone, if you don't put yourself out there and decide to hide your feelings, you'll always wonder what could have been, and will miss out on great experiences. You won't just magically find the one you're meant for without kissing a few frogs first. And keeping things bottled up is the WORST possible thing for you, in my opinion. Communication, big.

Other times, it's better to just act like things don't bother you, because after awhile, you'll find that it wasn't all too important, you got over it fast, and it doesn't matter anymore. And you end up saving yourself a lot of embarrassment and "why did I do that"s that would have occured had you spoken up and made a big issue out of something that ended up being nothing.

I guess the real question is, how do you tell if it's something life-changing and worth going after, or something you'll have forgotten about in a few months?


My current situation is of course more complicated and I'm having trouble making a decision. So far, I'm keeping my lip zipped. And praying. A LOT.


P.S. Salem is doing fantastic...the day I brought her home from surgery, I threw her in the tub and gave her a bath for the first time in her 11 years of existence, and she was still half drugged up and it was probably the funniest experience of my life. Also, I just read through some earlier posts and almost had to laugh at how awful I felt and stressed I was about getting a job and how it all just worked out. I will never cease to be grateful for that.

What's next?

I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Not about my new job...so far that's been stress-free. Just about life. I'm at a major transition point, and I absolutely hate it. I could choose to go down about 50,000 different paths right now. I never thought it would be like that. Things are usually pretty structured for us, you know? Go to school, learn how to drive, get a crappy part-time job, graduate, pick a career, go to college, on and on and on and on. Always something to help us take the next step. And so I thought it would continue to be like that...that I would find someone or have a place for grad school in mind or SOMETHING. Some deciding factor or little guiding light as to what's next. But nothing. No strings, no idea where to go from here. Like now that I have my job, does that mean I'm gonna live in this area for awhile? Or just for kicks should I move across the country? Once I have enough money to move out and get my own place, where on earth should I live? And with who? How long til I go back to grad school? Where do I go for that?

Ugh so many questions. I wish I knew what I wanted, or what was right. Actually, I do know what I want: first off, a man would be nice haha. A real-deal guy, not a summer fling. Not someone who talks big but can't deliver. No creepers, no players, no 20-something guys that have the dating mentality of a kid in junior high. Just the real thing. The kind of guy that I can have the time of my life with just driving around with no particular place to go, cuz conversation never gets old. Who I can be my complete self around, and am loved for that. But that's not exactly something I can just go get when I want...and it might not happen for years. Barf. I also wanna move out soon, but that's a scary thought. All I know is when I do, I'm taking Salem with me (if she lives through tomorrow's surgery, UGH), I'm going to adopt Tigh if he's still at Best Friends, and I'm going to buy a bunny. I've wanted one since I was 4. Haha my place is gonna smell awesome. I'll keep it clean. And also, I wanna go back to school sometime in the next couple years. But where? Really have no clue.

Maybe something big is about to happen. And I'm just waiting on the edge. I hope. But I'm the one that needs to leap to make something happen.

So about Salem. It's a completely irrational fear really, but here's how it goes. She's going in for tooth surgery, because most of it broke off but there's still a piece in her gum that needs to be removed so it doesn't become infected. Simple procedure, no need to worry. Reason I'm worrying? It's the same exact procedure that Lucky never recovered from and died 2 weeks after. But his story was so different. His tooth didn't get removed for years, so it did become infected. He was sick from the infection for a month or 2 before we noticed, and that coupled with surgery seriously weakened his immune system so that cancer popped up and spread like wildfire. I'm still nervous though...Salem is a frail little thing to begin with. Oy. I get so worried about my sweet little animals.

On the bright side of life, I'm liking the job so far. Hilarious children, nice people, and wonderful 6-hour days that go by fast. Even when it's been a long day, or "one of those days" it's not so bad. And it's experience that I'm sure will help me when I'm ready to go back to school. I have wonderful friends. I'm gonna be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding and get to go dress shopping with her soon...I'm pumped. =) And a couple weekends from now I'm gonna get to meet Elder Scott when he's here for leadership training. Woo-hoo. =)

Happy is the person who can laugh at herself; for she will never cease to be amused

Wellllll, it has been a pretty long time. For me anyway. When I was going through all that heartache the end of last year I was so into this...and now I haven't been, at all. Knew that would happen; that's how I am. When I'm going through a rough time I get all introspective and reflective and just need to let it all out somehow. And then when I return to my happy self, I never have time for something like this. Sad. I should be so much more excited to express my joys, not just my sorrows.

I listened to two wonderful sessions of General Conference today. =))) It's always one of the best weekends of the year, in my opinion. I was listening during the first session and thought to myself that I should be thinking of questions I want answered. So right away my thoughts strayed to something that's been on my mind for a few weeks about dating and where my life should be going and such, and literally 10seconds after thinking about this issue, I got a great answer. Little miracle of the day. And now I feel so much more confident about moving forward. Did anyone else who watched notice that President Monson was in the best mood ever this morning? It was totally contagious too, I was SO happy after that. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

So life. What's been happening? Finally got a job. Yayyyyyyyy. I will be TSSing at a school for autistic children in Harrisburg, and another plus/scary fact is my spanish will be put to use. I love spanish. I love reading out loud in spanish because I love the way it sounds. I wanna be fluent. But I SUCK at speaking it on my own and it makes me so nervous. So as terrifying as it is, this is exactly what I need.

I'm just really excited about life right now, and very content. Can't even tell you why exactly. The future is still such a huge question mark. Ha, I just typed nark by accident. I have no idea where I'm going to school and when I'll go. And what all I should do in the mean time, and where I should live. Or who I'll end up with or anything. I have an interest. And about 10 interested in me, HA. That's a whole other story that I do not wanna discuss. I'm totally not laughing at them...the situation's not funny really. I laugh at myself cuz I'm so clueless and this has never happened to me before and I never thought it would. But anyway, there is one...we'll see what happens. =) I'm taking my time, no reason to push it or rush through things. I just wanna spend time finding joy in the simple things, savoring the moments. I know as long as I'm doing what I can and what I should be to the best of my ability, everything will work out the way it was meant to. I've learned so much in the past few months...about myself, about life, about what's important. I've been able to see the bigger picture, to forgive, to appreciate everything that comes my way good and bad. I've made so many new friends, gone on fun adventures, spent time with the ones I love. I've had time to read, and study, and ponder. I'm as confident as ever; I laugh way too much, if that's possible. I've grown...it's like I'm a different person, but it's just my outlook I suppose.

And ya know what? None of that would have happened were it not for 2 things in my life that seemed like awful, heartbreaking, no-good reasons to suffer at the time: an end to a relationship, and unemployment. They ended up being HUGE blessings in disguise. I'm so happy, so much better off, because of those experiences, and I wouldn't change a single thing about these past few months. Amazing how that works, isn't it? There's a reason for all things.