Day 13: Someone I wish could forgive me
Dear J,
Whenever I think about you, which believe it or not does happen, I feel guilty. And I'm not really sure why. I'm afraid I hurt you much more than I could ever know, and it makes me hurt too. I know things between us didn't go the way you wanted it to, but I did try. When we first started talking online I was really happy about you and told my friends how cute and sweet you were and how I was so excited to meet you and see where things went. But that was just it...I made the effort to find a time to get together, and you kept dragging your feet about it. My friends kept asking me "so when are you meeting this guy?" and I never had anything to tell them. You didn't seem to want to meet me in person. And that's something that for me absolutely has to happen. I'm not having an online relationship. I'm not gonna move for someone I don't even know. And yes we live 2.5 hours apart, which you constantly complained about, but at some point if you want to make things happen, you have to just go for it.
And so what was I to do? You didn't want to meet me. Had you ever once said, "hey I'm free" I would've driven the whole distance to see you. But you never bothered. And then we started talking less. And other boys came into my life. Guys that actually made the effort to meet me. And then occasionally you would message me on facebook, and you were so sweet and so full of compliments (which I greatly appreciate) but there was always this underlying vibe that we were somehow committed to eachother. And I felt so strange, like I was cheating or something. And then one day, months too late, you gave me your phone number and told me to text/call when I felt like it, and I never knew what to do with it. I wanted to talk to you, you have always been so wonderful to me, but I was tired of putting forth effort and not getting anything back. You always left things up to me, when you should've been the one going for it and taking risks to prove that I was worth it. I just had nothing to say anymore.
And then soon after that, I think you realized that there were other people in my life. That I was going out with other guys, and my feelings for you had changed...from being ecstatic at the idea of meeting you to thinking you're just a nice guy and good friend. But in my defense, how can you love someone when you have never had the opportunity to look in their eyes or laugh with them or feel the chemistry and attraction? We've spoken once since then and you seemed really bitter and off, despite all attempts to tell me otherwise. And here I sit, terrified that I just broke someone's heart. If your feelings were really deep, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. If you feel betrayed, please forgive me. I didn't want it to happen this way either. Maybe it wasn't like that at all and I'm worrying over nothing. Just know that I do like you and always appreciated that you were there for me.
I know it's been a month or 2 since we've last spoken, but like I said then, you can always talk to me when you need to. If at any point you find time to hang out, I would be up for it. But you're the one that needs to make that effort. You make the call. You find the time. Not me. You're gorgeous and sweet and sincere. You're smart and ambitious and your future is bright. You're a beautiful person. Believe in yourself and your capabilities.
Sincerely,
Sheridan
Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
You're so vain, I bet you think this post is about you
Just an fyi, I don't hate, though I won't deny I have hated in my past. But I know better now. And so this letter is Day 12: Person who caused me a lot of pain, NOT Day 12: Person I hate the most.
Oh and disclaimer: the only private information I'm sharing is my own to share. All other info is already public. I'm not airing anyone's dirty laundry, nor do I wish to spread rumors. I'm stating fact.
Dear Dh,
the other day I was at a get-together with some old friends and your name came up. And you know, nowadays you never cease to put a smile on my face. This is saying something. There was a time that even hearing your name would make my heart jump up in my throat and I would start visibly shaking because you made me so angry. Now you're a complete stranger to me and hearing about your life is like hearing about someone I've never met. Time heals ALL wounds. Even serious awful ones. And that gives me hope.
I heard you failed out of college, with one semester left. At a school that charges per semester like what, $25,000? Maybe it's even more now, idk. Maybe that's what it costs a year...either way it's a crapton right?So you spent 7 semesters at school, most likely racked up enormous debt, and didn't work hard enough (understatement of the century) to have a degree to show for it. And if you ever want to go back to school, you'll have to start from the beginning, correct? I think it's safe to say almost none of those credits will transfer. And midst all of that you made yourself very unpopular there with a public, awful and sexist comment. And then that very same girl you directed the comment toward ended up overcoming all the obstacles you tried to throw at her and came out on top.
I just had to laugh. And not in that bitter, negative, laughing-at-your-misfortune kind of way. Though I have reason to, that's beneath me. Neither is it because I feel superior or smarter than you. It just really is quite hilarious. Like when you hear about some celebrity who just ALWAYS puts their foot in their mouth or does something dumb, and you laugh and think "what did they do this time?" That kind of thing. I know you won't think so, obviously, because it's your life. But trust me on this one. It's funny. What were you thinking? Were you? It all just seems so unreal. Especially thinking back to the person I knew 6 or 7 years ago who I called my best friend. It honestly feels like that happened 6,000 years ago in some other life.
Heard you cheated on your ex. That made me laugh too, because it didn't surprise me at all. I did feel really sorry for her though. You know, for awhile I thought I would be the only girl in your life you would ever do such a horrific thing to. That for some reason I was a special circumstance. You had me convinced I was low enough that I was the only worthless person you would do that to. But now I realize you treat all girls that way. Who'da thunk? You have not been faithful in any relationship you've ever been in. I'll tell you when I didn't laugh. When I heard speculation (yes, this isn't fact) that you cheated on your ex with your current fiancee. Because I don't care who she is, I don't care that there's not much going on upstairs for her, or that she's stupid enough to think that even though you cheated with her, she's "different" and you'll miraculously stop being a cheater and be loyal to her. She doesn't deserve that, and she won't deserve it 10 years from now when you've driven her hopes and dreams and self-esteem into the ground, leaving her depressed and heartbroken and a single parent, because you felt the need to belittle her and treat her like dirt while running around on her and sleeping with 15 different women. I pray you don't do that to her. I pray you remain faithful and devoted. I pray you love your kids and put them first before thinking of ruining your family to satisfy your physical needs with the president of the homewrecker club. Because even if she is an idiot, your wife deserves that from you. And your kids deserve a loving father who would do anything for them, not a selfish whore.
Surprise me. Be faithful for the first time in your life. If you have kids in the future, love them. Put their needs higher than yours. Be humble. I dare you.
You know what else makes me laugh in that you-cannot-be-serious kind of way? You proclaim to be religious and saintly and think you're up higher and better than lots of people. And in your mind you praise God for loving all the awful confused and sinful people beneath you, like women and homosexuals and Mormons and people who weren't born in this country and little kids and anyone who doesn't believe exactly what you do and the list goes on. And then there's all of us on that list who praise God for having a perfect love for the likes of you, someone the rest of us find so difficult to love. How He does it, no one knows. Despite the people you've hurt and the precious lives you've messed with, He still loves you and wants the best for you. And I can't understand it. As long as I live, I will never be able to love you or like you, or even want to be around you. But it's true. Maybe I'll understand one day.
I hope there's a day somewhere in your future when you'll figure things out, feel sorry for what you've done, and humbly believe in equality. Until then, God love you Dh, because frankly, no one else will.
Oh and disclaimer: the only private information I'm sharing is my own to share. All other info is already public. I'm not airing anyone's dirty laundry, nor do I wish to spread rumors. I'm stating fact.
Dear Dh,
the other day I was at a get-together with some old friends and your name came up. And you know, nowadays you never cease to put a smile on my face. This is saying something. There was a time that even hearing your name would make my heart jump up in my throat and I would start visibly shaking because you made me so angry. Now you're a complete stranger to me and hearing about your life is like hearing about someone I've never met. Time heals ALL wounds. Even serious awful ones. And that gives me hope.
I heard you failed out of college, with one semester left. At a school that charges per semester like what, $25,000? Maybe it's even more now, idk. Maybe that's what it costs a year...either way it's a crapton right?So you spent 7 semesters at school, most likely racked up enormous debt, and didn't work hard enough (understatement of the century) to have a degree to show for it. And if you ever want to go back to school, you'll have to start from the beginning, correct? I think it's safe to say almost none of those credits will transfer. And midst all of that you made yourself very unpopular there with a public, awful and sexist comment. And then that very same girl you directed the comment toward ended up overcoming all the obstacles you tried to throw at her and came out on top.
I just had to laugh. And not in that bitter, negative, laughing-at-your-misfortune kind of way. Though I have reason to, that's beneath me. Neither is it because I feel superior or smarter than you. It just really is quite hilarious. Like when you hear about some celebrity who just ALWAYS puts their foot in their mouth or does something dumb, and you laugh and think "what did they do this time?" That kind of thing. I know you won't think so, obviously, because it's your life. But trust me on this one. It's funny. What were you thinking? Were you? It all just seems so unreal. Especially thinking back to the person I knew 6 or 7 years ago who I called my best friend. It honestly feels like that happened 6,000 years ago in some other life.
Heard you cheated on your ex. That made me laugh too, because it didn't surprise me at all. I did feel really sorry for her though. You know, for awhile I thought I would be the only girl in your life you would ever do such a horrific thing to. That for some reason I was a special circumstance. You had me convinced I was low enough that I was the only worthless person you would do that to. But now I realize you treat all girls that way. Who'da thunk? You have not been faithful in any relationship you've ever been in. I'll tell you when I didn't laugh. When I heard speculation (yes, this isn't fact) that you cheated on your ex with your current fiancee. Because I don't care who she is, I don't care that there's not much going on upstairs for her, or that she's stupid enough to think that even though you cheated with her, she's "different" and you'll miraculously stop being a cheater and be loyal to her. She doesn't deserve that, and she won't deserve it 10 years from now when you've driven her hopes and dreams and self-esteem into the ground, leaving her depressed and heartbroken and a single parent, because you felt the need to belittle her and treat her like dirt while running around on her and sleeping with 15 different women. I pray you don't do that to her. I pray you remain faithful and devoted. I pray you love your kids and put them first before thinking of ruining your family to satisfy your physical needs with the president of the homewrecker club. Because even if she is an idiot, your wife deserves that from you. And your kids deserve a loving father who would do anything for them, not a selfish whore.
Surprise me. Be faithful for the first time in your life. If you have kids in the future, love them. Put their needs higher than yours. Be humble. I dare you.
You know what else makes me laugh in that you-cannot-be-serious kind of way? You proclaim to be religious and saintly and think you're up higher and better than lots of people. And in your mind you praise God for loving all the awful confused and sinful people beneath you, like women and homosexuals and Mormons and people who weren't born in this country and little kids and anyone who doesn't believe exactly what you do and the list goes on. And then there's all of us on that list who praise God for having a perfect love for the likes of you, someone the rest of us find so difficult to love. How He does it, no one knows. Despite the people you've hurt and the precious lives you've messed with, He still loves you and wants the best for you. And I can't understand it. As long as I live, I will never be able to love you or like you, or even want to be around you. But it's true. Maybe I'll understand one day.
I hope there's a day somewhere in your future when you'll figure things out, feel sorry for what you've done, and humbly believe in equality. Until then, God love you Dh, because frankly, no one else will.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
God Be With You, Til We Meet Again
Day 11: A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To
Ok, since I'm the boss of this blog, I've decided not to write a letter for day 11. Why, you ask? Because honestly I'm having way too much trouble trying to figure out a person to write to. I was talking with Mom about it, she said she could think of a bunch of people, but probably because she's older and has lost more. I've been to several funerals in the family. I'm close with people who have lost someone very dear to them. And yet I can't think of a thing I'd like to say to any of them. Weird? Idk. I suppose it's because I believe death isn't the end and we're all gonna be together again one day. So what's there to say now? "Hey. Love you. Miss you. Could you send some well wishes my way? You know, cuz you made it home and I'm still here and it gets really confusing sometimes...I need all the help I can get."
I have yet to lose someone very close to me that I want the chance to talk to one more time. Or someone that I wasn't on the best terms with and just wish I could've apologized and made things right. That hasn't happened yet for me.
The other week when the ysas took a trip to D.C., I saw the Lincoln exhibit at the Museum of American History and also the Lincoln Memorial and decided it would've been really fun to talk to Lincoln...does that count? But still, what could I say in a letter to him? "Umm, hi Mr. President, you were one of the greatest presidents in history and have some of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read." He's prolly up there going "yeah, I know...I rocked that". Nah I bet he's super-humble.
Am I being rude or unfeeling right now? I don't mean to. I know death is hard and one day it will really hit me...even knowing they're in a better place, there's gonna be people I'll miss desperately. But I guess the point of this post is, with the exception of a pet, it hasn't yet.
Give it some time. A few more years; a few more life experiences. It'll show up one day. And the hurt and loss will be so crippling and unbearable, and I'll look back on this post and be furious with myself, wishing I could go back to a time like this. Love the people in your lives with your entire heart. Give it away freely. You don't know how long those people will be with you, whether taken by death or ripped from you by grudges and hurt feelings. Love them, tell them how much you appreciate them, thank God for them.
Ok, since I'm the boss of this blog, I've decided not to write a letter for day 11. Why, you ask? Because honestly I'm having way too much trouble trying to figure out a person to write to. I was talking with Mom about it, she said she could think of a bunch of people, but probably because she's older and has lost more. I've been to several funerals in the family. I'm close with people who have lost someone very dear to them. And yet I can't think of a thing I'd like to say to any of them. Weird? Idk. I suppose it's because I believe death isn't the end and we're all gonna be together again one day. So what's there to say now? "Hey. Love you. Miss you. Could you send some well wishes my way? You know, cuz you made it home and I'm still here and it gets really confusing sometimes...I need all the help I can get."
I have yet to lose someone very close to me that I want the chance to talk to one more time. Or someone that I wasn't on the best terms with and just wish I could've apologized and made things right. That hasn't happened yet for me.
The other week when the ysas took a trip to D.C., I saw the Lincoln exhibit at the Museum of American History and also the Lincoln Memorial and decided it would've been really fun to talk to Lincoln...does that count? But still, what could I say in a letter to him? "Umm, hi Mr. President, you were one of the greatest presidents in history and have some of the most inspiring quotes I've ever read." He's prolly up there going "yeah, I know...I rocked that". Nah I bet he's super-humble.
Am I being rude or unfeeling right now? I don't mean to. I know death is hard and one day it will really hit me...even knowing they're in a better place, there's gonna be people I'll miss desperately. But I guess the point of this post is, with the exception of a pet, it hasn't yet.
Give it some time. A few more years; a few more life experiences. It'll show up one day. And the hurt and loss will be so crippling and unbearable, and I'll look back on this post and be furious with myself, wishing I could go back to a time like this. Love the people in your lives with your entire heart. Give it away freely. You don't know how long those people will be with you, whether taken by death or ripped from you by grudges and hurt feelings. Love them, tell them how much you appreciate them, thank God for them.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Miss You
Dear J,
Funny that you're the person I wish I could see and talk to more, because I just talked to you on the phone last week, and will most likely be spending lots of time with you next weekend at the wedding, if you decide to go. But in normal life, it's not often we hear from each other, thanks to 4 hour distance and busy lives. But I do miss you and care about how you're doing and think of you often, I hope you know that. No matter what happens in life you'll always have your silly old friends from back in the day. As me and S were talking about the other day, we went through the ugly stages together...growing up, middle school, high school, drama, school dances, going to see Harry Potter together with eye-liner lightning scars drawn on our heads. You name it. Even when we're old and grown and far away, I'll think back on those years of my life and think of you and be grateful that you were a part of it and we shared those years together. So when things get tough and you're feeling sad, remember little old me is thinking of you. Love you dearest. =)
Funny that you're the person I wish I could see and talk to more, because I just talked to you on the phone last week, and will most likely be spending lots of time with you next weekend at the wedding, if you decide to go. But in normal life, it's not often we hear from each other, thanks to 4 hour distance and busy lives. But I do miss you and care about how you're doing and think of you often, I hope you know that. No matter what happens in life you'll always have your silly old friends from back in the day. As me and S were talking about the other day, we went through the ugly stages together...growing up, middle school, high school, drama, school dances, going to see Harry Potter together with eye-liner lightning scars drawn on our heads. You name it. Even when we're old and grown and far away, I'll think back on those years of my life and think of you and be grateful that you were a part of it and we shared those years together. So when things get tough and you're feeling sad, remember little old me is thinking of you. Love you dearest. =)
Friday, July 30, 2010
Day 9: Someone I Wish I Could Meet
Hi Pres. Monson,
you don't know me, but in my world we're best friends. You make me feel better when I'm sad, tell the most fantastic stories, give me hope, help me to believe in myself, move me to tears, put a smile on my face and make me laugh. When I hear your voice, I immediately feel like someone just took me by the hand and lifted me up to higher ground, so I see a bit more clearly.
You have this effect on people all over the world. You make everyone feel like a million bucks without ever seeing us in person. I like to imagine that if I ever met you, you'd be jovial, and caring, and truly interested in me. Your love of people as an entire group, no exceptions, is inspiring. And I love that what everyone will remember you for is your desire to leave the 99 and go after the 1 missing. Because occasionally, I'm that lost one. But most often, I'm in the crowd and I'm where I should be, but all my hurts and worries and fears and crying and praying goes to the wandering lost ones in my life. It's comforting to know you understand.
Thank you thank you thank you for your service and all you do. I can't begin to know how much stress and burdens and responsibilities are upon you, but I pray that they are lightened and you remain joyful and healthy.
Love,
Sheridan
you don't know me, but in my world we're best friends. You make me feel better when I'm sad, tell the most fantastic stories, give me hope, help me to believe in myself, move me to tears, put a smile on my face and make me laugh. When I hear your voice, I immediately feel like someone just took me by the hand and lifted me up to higher ground, so I see a bit more clearly.
You have this effect on people all over the world. You make everyone feel like a million bucks without ever seeing us in person. I like to imagine that if I ever met you, you'd be jovial, and caring, and truly interested in me. Your love of people as an entire group, no exceptions, is inspiring. And I love that what everyone will remember you for is your desire to leave the 99 and go after the 1 missing. Because occasionally, I'm that lost one. But most often, I'm in the crowd and I'm where I should be, but all my hurts and worries and fears and crying and praying goes to the wandering lost ones in my life. It's comforting to know you understand.
Thank you thank you thank you for your service and all you do. I can't begin to know how much stress and burdens and responsibilities are upon you, but I pray that they are lightened and you remain joyful and healthy.
Love,
Sheridan
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start, but I'd rather you let me give my heart
Dear friends,
I can't think of a single person that I talk to online and haven't met in person who I could call an "internet friend". So I'm writing to all the wonderful people in my life who unfortunately I rarely get to see and have to resort to the internet as a means of keeping up with them. Thanks for the love, the support, and the comments. Thanks for blog-stalking and facebook-stalking and caring about my life. Thanks for feeling sad cuz I'm sad and being happy cuz I'm happy. And for believing in me and always being on my side. I guess I kind of like you and appreciate you. Maybe. Just a little. ;)
Oh ok, you guys are beautiful and saintly and I probably don't even deserve you. But here I am, blessed with great people in my life. Yay. =)
Love, Me
I can't think of a single person that I talk to online and haven't met in person who I could call an "internet friend". So I'm writing to all the wonderful people in my life who unfortunately I rarely get to see and have to resort to the internet as a means of keeping up with them. Thanks for the love, the support, and the comments. Thanks for blog-stalking and facebook-stalking and caring about my life. Thanks for feeling sad cuz I'm sad and being happy cuz I'm happy. And for believing in me and always being on my side. I guess I kind of like you and appreciate you. Maybe. Just a little. ;)
Oh ok, you guys are beautiful and saintly and I probably don't even deserve you. But here I am, blessed with great people in my life. Yay. =)
Love, Me
Friday, July 23, 2010
You Make Me Smile
Day 7: Letter to an ex
Dear J,
I know you're not really an ex, more like an ex-"fling" of sorts, if you can even call it that, but I decided to write to you anyway. I'm glad we're friends now, and that we were able to put aside all the ridiculous rumors/truths that we heard about each other and try to figure each other out for ourselves. That's a really difficult thing to do. You're a good guy, but I'm glad we decided to be just friends. It was clearly the right choice. Although I hafta admit, if we had actually dated, it would have been HILARIOUS to see the reactions of all the people from our previous place of employment. I'm pretty positive it would've caused an uproar and their minds would've been completely blown. Can you imagine? Haha...but oh well, it wasn't meant to be. And I like where we are. Even though we don't talk much or see each other ever, I know we're cool. Thanks again for not believing everything you hear and trying to get to know me anyway. That meant a lot, and it made me feel better.
Dear J,
I know you're not really an ex, more like an ex-"fling" of sorts, if you can even call it that, but I decided to write to you anyway. I'm glad we're friends now, and that we were able to put aside all the ridiculous rumors/truths that we heard about each other and try to figure each other out for ourselves. That's a really difficult thing to do. You're a good guy, but I'm glad we decided to be just friends. It was clearly the right choice. Although I hafta admit, if we had actually dated, it would have been HILARIOUS to see the reactions of all the people from our previous place of employment. I'm pretty positive it would've caused an uproar and their minds would've been completely blown. Can you imagine? Haha...but oh well, it wasn't meant to be. And I like where we are. Even though we don't talk much or see each other ever, I know we're cool. Thanks again for not believing everything you hear and trying to get to know me anyway. That meant a lot, and it made me feel better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)