Day 13: Someone I wish could forgive me
Dear J,
Whenever I think about you, which believe it or not does happen, I feel guilty. And I'm not really sure why. I'm afraid I hurt you much more than I could ever know, and it makes me hurt too. I know things between us didn't go the way you wanted it to, but I did try. When we first started talking online I was really happy about you and told my friends how cute and sweet you were and how I was so excited to meet you and see where things went. But that was just it...I made the effort to find a time to get together, and you kept dragging your feet about it. My friends kept asking me "so when are you meeting this guy?" and I never had anything to tell them. You didn't seem to want to meet me in person. And that's something that for me absolutely has to happen. I'm not having an online relationship. I'm not gonna move for someone I don't even know. And yes we live 2.5 hours apart, which you constantly complained about, but at some point if you want to make things happen, you have to just go for it.
And so what was I to do? You didn't want to meet me. Had you ever once said, "hey I'm free" I would've driven the whole distance to see you. But you never bothered. And then we started talking less. And other boys came into my life. Guys that actually made the effort to meet me. And then occasionally you would message me on facebook, and you were so sweet and so full of compliments (which I greatly appreciate) but there was always this underlying vibe that we were somehow committed to eachother. And I felt so strange, like I was cheating or something. And then one day, months too late, you gave me your phone number and told me to text/call when I felt like it, and I never knew what to do with it. I wanted to talk to you, you have always been so wonderful to me, but I was tired of putting forth effort and not getting anything back. You always left things up to me, when you should've been the one going for it and taking risks to prove that I was worth it. I just had nothing to say anymore.
And then soon after that, I think you realized that there were other people in my life. That I was going out with other guys, and my feelings for you had changed...from being ecstatic at the idea of meeting you to thinking you're just a nice guy and good friend. But in my defense, how can you love someone when you have never had the opportunity to look in their eyes or laugh with them or feel the chemistry and attraction? We've spoken once since then and you seemed really bitter and off, despite all attempts to tell me otherwise. And here I sit, terrified that I just broke someone's heart. If your feelings were really deep, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. If you feel betrayed, please forgive me. I didn't want it to happen this way either. Maybe it wasn't like that at all and I'm worrying over nothing. Just know that I do like you and always appreciated that you were there for me.
I know it's been a month or 2 since we've last spoken, but like I said then, you can always talk to me when you need to. If at any point you find time to hang out, I would be up for it. But you're the one that needs to make that effort. You make the call. You find the time. Not me. You're gorgeous and sweet and sincere. You're smart and ambitious and your future is bright. You're a beautiful person. Believe in yourself and your capabilities.
Sincerely,
Sheridan
No comments:
Post a Comment