A dream is a wish your heart makes...or not

The most ridiculous dream of my entire life happened last nite, and I need to blog about it. Normally I don't even talk, let alone blog, about my dreams, because I always start talking about it and realize how retarded it sounds halfway through and wish that I had never started talking. But this one was so out there I decided it was worth sharing.

I was a fugitive from the law, but I was innocent. No idea what I had been accused of doing, but it was a big deal because everyone in the entire world of this dream knew about me. And it was a different world...it was like a video game world or something. You know how in old school video games, when you're in like the forest or something, it's all split up in different rooms? You walk into the forest and you're in one room, and then you can turn left right or straight to get into another one and it moves on to the next screen/room. But it's not like real life where the outdoors is one gigantic place, because back in the day they didn't have the technology to figure that out. So, pretty much in my dream, it was like that...a world of outdoor rooms. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Anywho, I was in this forest-y type place, and I had to wear different disguises and masks and stuff. People were all around me...some knew who I was, but were friends and wouldn't turn me in. But they didn't help me. We didn't even speak. Other people were srangers and didn't recognize me thanks to the disguise, and some were the people looking for me. Despite being around all these people, I was completely alone. I barely spoke to anyone. I was always on edge and trying to figure out what to do next. And constantly moving and hiding. So after lots of sneaking around and wandering and trying to find a place to go, I was in this small room and lots of the people trying to catch me were there too. I noticed them starting to eye me up and realized I needed to get the heck out of there because they recognized me, so I booked it. Then the world completely changed to a more real-life setting as I was running. I booked it into a massive crowd of people. Literally millions and millions of people. And I was in this urban setting and it was night time and all of a sudden from like a mile away, a stage lit up and Kiss was on stage and I was at a Kiss concert. And through the magic of my dream, I flew to the front of the crowd and was hardcore full-out moshing at this concert. (This could never happen...I've been to a thousand concerts in my day, and I stay away from the moshing, because little petite me would get KILLED. Not that the rest of this dream could happen either...) And next thing I knew, this guy had gotten seriously hurt in the moshpit and I was trying to figure out how to help him and then I woke up.

Interpret THAT one.

My interpretation: While I was at the beach, The Fugitive with Harrison Ford was on tv and I used to love that movie and haven't watched it in awhile. So I was thinking about that. I looked up concerts at Hershey the other day and Kiss is one of them...which when I saw that made me think of that episode of Glee where all the boys dressed up like them and did one of their songs. So that must have been in my head too. And lastly, I think the wandering and not sure where to go or what to do next represents how I feel about my life right now. Who knows where the feeling all alone in the world thing fits in though...maybe the fact that I'm single? Idk, I definitely don't feel alone, nor am I alone in real life. Or do I subconciously feel that way?

Weird. weird. weird. My dreams for the most part are pretty normal. Lots of times when I'm stressed out I'll have nightmares about whatever it is I'm worried about. When I break up with someone or I'm having trouble with a friendship or relationship, I have nightmares about that person every nite for months. And then occasionally I'll get one of these, and they're kind of fun haha.

On why education is important...

I'm at that stage in my life where most teenage girls make my head want to explode. Into 823716 little annoyed pieces.

Part 1 of my rant: Today I was laying on the beach, and these girls walked up to the lifeguard chair nearby me, and said to Mr. Cute Lifeguard, "so, umm, hi. I don't know if this is like, against your job description, or whatever, but like, we were wondering if we could like get our picture taken with you, because we're on senior week, and our school like gives us this list of stuff we like have to do and show proof that we did it to give back, and this is one."

Cue me giving an inward eyeroll and as I keep listening my head starts doing that thing that Scrat does in Ice Age...you know, where he starts twitching and one eye kinda droops shut while the other one's bulging out.

The lifeguard gave some excuse as to why he couldn't do it and directed the girls to some other lifeguard really far down the beach haha. THEN the girls walked away, and when they were right next to me and (possibly) out of earshot of the lifeguard, they started giggling and talking loud enough for the whole beach to hear about how they really just did that as an excuse to talk to him.

*GASP* NO! Really???? You know, they totally had me convinced that after graduating and receiving diplomas, their school forces them to go on senior week at Bethany Beach, Delaware with a scavenger hunt list of things they have to do and then give back to the school for some kind of grade.

UGH. Was I ever even remotely close to being that dumb/immature/annoying when I was 17/18? Ha, don't answer that.


Part 2: Lately I've noticed that a large majority of guys my age, if they are dating anyone right now, are dating 17 or 18-year-old girls. Or maybe 16, you know, that's cool too. NOT. Hello?? What is going on? It's not like every single one of these guys are the creepy kind that prey on young girls because they can't get someone their own age, or because stupid and naive is the only type they can convince to give them the one thing they're after. I do not understand. Not one part of it. Ok, maybe not all girls that age are immature and stupid. I'll give them that. But anywho, I've come to the conclusion that I want an older man. No, not like Hugh Heffner. Like someone mature that doesn't find annoying 17-year-olds fresh from high school attractive. Someone who has a heart and thinks with his head and not his *ahem*. And therefore has plans for himself that go past the present and which "that" he's tapping tonite...like school, a job, a career, a future. Give me that guy.

It's a man's world, and I'm boycotting it.

Right now at this very moment, I have decided to boycott Transformers 3. Which is a difficult choice, because I do love those movies. But the director, I'm starting to realize, is a complete pig, and this is all just getting a little out of hand.

Last summer, I saw Revenge of the Fallen and LOVED it. With the exception of the uber-lame love story and terrible acting that went with it. Yes, I understand Megan Fox and Shia Lebeouf are two beautiful people and that is (sadly) the most important thing to people watching, but really. Lame lines. Lame scenes. Lame, lame, lame. The rest of the movie? Great. After that, I bought the first one and watched that...I'd never seen it before. Turns out I liked the second better. But anywho, in watching both of them, I realized that not only is Megan Fox's acting terrible, but it's not exactly her fault because her character in those movies has absolutely no purpose but to show off her body and make all the boys watching get just a little too excited. As she leans over the hood of a car wearing a bra-sized shirt, or sits on top of a motorcycle wearing booty shorts...really? Every single female character in those movies (which is basically mom and girlfriend) have absolutely no abilities, or intelligence, or anything whatsoever. One is made to look like a complete idiot, and the other is used as an object to turn on men watching.

So the other week, I saw this article on Yahoo that Megan Fox would not be in Transformers 3, because they decided that in this one, Shia Lebeouf's character needs to be focused on other things besides his love life and there won't be any of that in this movie. And I thought to myself, cool, more action and stuff that made the first 2 movies worth watching, less annoying crap.

But THEN, I just read the most recent news. Apparently the no love interest thing was a lie. Megan Fox is being replaced. By a Victoria's Secret model with no acting experience whatsoever. Really Mr. Director, really? (I guess I should do my research cuz I don't know his name...not that it's even worth knowing, the jerk.) So basically, if I'm thinking correctly right now, this director purposely finds dumb women with terrible and/or no acting skills to play roles where the sole purpose is to use her as an object for men's lust. Great. Sign me up for that one. Let's drill into the minds of women the world over that the only thing they're good for is to show off their bodies so they can turn on guys.

If, when that movie comes out next summer, it turns out that this female character is intelligent and does cool things and helps save the world, I will stand corrected. But judging by the first 2 movies, I would bet all the money in my bank account (which sounds like a huge deal but isn't much right now haha) that I'm not wrong. I suddenly really appreciate movies like Iron Man, where one female lead is intelligent and classy and organized, and the other one can kick butt without needing any iron suit. =)

So anywho, I'm boycotting it. Yeah, it will have no effect whatsoever. Yes, the movie will probably still break records and everyone I know will talk about how awesome it was. But I need to stand against this blatant degradation of a woman's worth. End of story.

Sometimes I believe in as many as 6 impossible things before breakfast

I need to muddle through some thoughts on my career. Which may seem boring to you, but this is my blog so too bad.

Once upon a time, I was in high school and music was my life. Choirs, musicals, concert band, marching band, drum majoring, district band, weekly flute lessons, guitar class, attempts to improve my piano playing (HA). You name it, I did it all. And loved it. But the entire time all I could think was...what kind of job will this get me in the future? You teach, or you perform. I didn't wanna do either. Teaching was always the last thing on earth I ever wanted to do with my life. So I applied to college as undecided. (And music will always remain a passion of mine.) But before my senior year of high school was over, I picked psychology to major in, kind of on a whim. This was the whim.

Hearing stories about families torn apart always seriously bothered me. And I wanted to fix it. Have you ever noticed that you can name any, ANY problem a person has in their life, and 90% of the time it stems back to an issue in their family? Addiction, depression, relationship problems...you name it. Whenever I meet someone new, one of the first things I want to know is what that person's family situation is like, because guarenteed it will explain a lot about why that person is the way he/she is. The family is central to everything...to life, society, the future, everything. And what happens within a family has a huge effect on all people involved. So my whim was that I wanted to help families and marriages. Because true love never fails, never ends, and the family is the central unit of love.

I went to college for psychology. My whim turned out to be what I now consider a gentle push by God in the right direction, because I fell in love with what I was studying. Like I tell anyone that will listen to me long enough, studying psychology isn't learning how to pick out the weirdos and diagnose people. It's about learning how to understand everyone. To explain behaviors and why everyone acts the way they do.

Anywho, my plan was to be a marriage/family therapist, which entails going to school for the rest of my life for a Ph.D. I guess I was cool with that, although all that school was kind of a depressing thought. But then I took my Counseling Strategies class. I had a prof who let's just say I didn't get along with, and also learned that being a therapist involves all kinds of professional and ethical issues that majorly turned me off. For example, when you're working with a family, you can't be their friend at the same time. You can't show emotion when you counsel someone. You're supposed to give empathetic responses but not actually feel them. Is that not an oxymoron? You can't divulge any personal info. People are going to get attached to you and stalk you and call you at all hours of the nite. yada yada. This is what I took away from that class. That same semester, I was taking a spanish class and the prof required service learning, so me and a group of my friends volunteered to teach in the ESL classroom at Rohrerstown Elementary. And lo and behold, I discovered that teaching little kiddos is SUPER fun...the last thing on earth I had ever wanted to do.

After that semester, I decided my calling in life was to be an elementary school counselor. An added bonus was that you only need a master's degree to do that, which would mean only 2-3 more years of school. Last fall in my final semester, I did my internship at NL's 4 elementary schools with the two guidance counselors, annnnnnnd HATED it. Every school district is different. But all they did was teach, teach, teach. Go to 8 different classrooms a day, teach classes, and not have any time to talk one-on-one with kiddos that really need it. And I still do not want to teach, I want to counsel. But school counseling, not for me.

My next thought was and continues to be school psychology...but I'm still not sure. It's my future, you know? It's a difficult decision. School psychology also requires a master's degree. It involves working one-on-one with the really bad kids and gifted kids. Lots of testing. Lots of observing. And on the downside lots of paperwork. AND as a school psychologist you don't build much rapport with the students like a guidance counselor does, because unless they're really messed up, they don't even see you or know you exist, which is kinda poop. But I also like that working in a school, I can be in the same district as my own kids (whenever that decides to happen), be with them in the evenings, and have summers off. So those are my current thoughts...to go back to school ASAP for a master's in school psych.

I just feel like my original dream of helping families is gone. Working with kids helps, I suppose...they're a big part of family. But it's not exactly what I had in mind. And I also feel like a major reason why I changed my mind was that I'm getting lazy and don't feel like spending 10 more years of my life to get a PhD and finally be able to do it all. But I guess time changes perspective a little and it all happens for a reason. It's not just me being tired of school, but those 2 classes that helped set me down a different path. And no matter what, I'll be doing something I enjoy and for the greater good of little kiddos and their families, right?

One thing is for sure, I wanna go back to school soon. Like Fall of 2011 maybe? Where? Who knows. =)

There's a fine line between confident and cocky

I wish I had a pensieve; my thoughts are going crazy right now.

1.) I love my job.

2.) I heard today that gas is supposed to go up to $4 a gallon this summer...guess it's a good thing I bought my hybrid. But still, eww.

3.) The thought randomly popped in my head today that people that are friends with me on facebook but don't know me very well probably think I'm the most conceited person in the world. So weird. I shouldn't have to explain myself, but I'm going to. I used to be 40-50 pounds heavier than I am now. I lost like 30 in high school, but even then, I wasn't the best looking and I didn't feel great with myself. I was also treated like dirt and emotionally abused at that point in my life, and ended up being depressed and hating myself for almost 3 years. A certain someone in my life had convinced me (and told me everyday) that I was this awful person for things I did and how I felt. Like if I got upset for feeling like I wasn't getting treated right, it was my fault because I was such a jealous bad person and deserved to be punished. Ugh. That whole thing still makes me cringe and I'm done talking about it. Point being, if you met me about 4 years ago, I was shy, unapproachable, angry-looking, depressed, ugly, and in general just looked like death. I can think of a few people that befriended me then, like some who I met at Millersville, or worked with my first summer at Tudor Grill, and those people are saints and I love them. Ask anyone from the culinary team what I was like my first year at the tg, and they'll tell you I was this shy, creeper-ish weirdo that never said 2 words. I don't think any of them know why I was like that though, or what I was going through. And I shouldn't forget to mention all the other people in my life that I love, for staying with me through all of that. It took a looooong time, but I'm finally back to being myself. I care about my appearance, I lost more weight, and I discovered that lots of boys find me really attractive and desireable and fun. I make friends, I'm extroverted, I love to laugh. I have confidence. But yes, I'm happy with the way I look, and I like to dress up and look cute, and take goofy pictures of myself trying to be sexy (do I take myself seriously? NO). If that's being cocky and conceited, then I guess I am. All I can say is, I was so far from having any form of self-esteem for years and years, and it feels good to finally like myself and who I've become. And if there's anyone out there who thinks I'm obsessed with myself, don't worry. Life has a way of humbling you when you start thinking too highly of yourself.

4.) That was a really long 3.

5.) Now my brain's all tuckered out and I can't think of all the other things that were on my mind.

6.) Ok, I know another one. Boys are so dumb. Honestly. And I only want one, not like ten. That just makes life more confusing. And why is it that the one you think you should probably just boot off to make things easier is the one you just can't quite let go of? Haha dating SUCKS.

7.) It makes me sad when people form an opinion of me but never actually take the time to find out what I'm really like. Guess it's a good thing I don't really care what people think.

8.) I also hate when I'm trying to be there and be a good friend for someone who I think needs me, but the relationship is so one-sided. I'm the one that starts conversations, I'm the one that asks how you're doing, and keeps up with the important events in your life and asks you about them. And you? You just answer my questions, and never even think to ask how I'm doing. And you never come up to me and tell me how you are unless I ask. I'm tired of it. It's so selfish. If it weren't for the fact that I know everyone always walks out on you, you could stick a fork in me, I'd be done.

9.) Mom got the idea in my head that while I'm working at New Story, I could get an apartment or something in Harrisburg. I don't even know how I feel about this yet.

10.) Last weekend was AWESOME. Dress shopping, Aubrey's birthday party, and listening to Elder Scott speak. Only for like 15 minutes, and no I didn't get to meet him. But he said exactly what I was hoping to hear, which was pretty much wonderful.

11.) This probably shouldn't bother me, but I just discovered that this girl I went to high school with (and haven't talked to in awhile but still care about her life) deleted me from her facebook friends. Did I do something wrong? Did she just decide to weed out people she hasn't talked to lately? Would it be totally creeperish to message her and ask her this? "Umm excuse me, I know we haven't talked in awhile but I noticed you deleted me and I was just wondering...wthk??" This seriously happens to me a lot...am I really that unlikeable that at least 2 people a week need to delete me? Really?

12.) I think I'm done...for now.


I feel like the basic idea of all my thoughts and this post is, I don't deserve to be treated this way. There was a time in my life that I thought I did, but that time is past. I'm just one person. I'm doing the best I can. I try to love every person I've ever met, and be a good friend. I care too much. I like to make people smile. I have a love of life and I wanna share that with you. I make mistakes. I'm human. I say sorry when I should. I try to fix things. Is it too much to ask for the same back?

happy to be alive

Well, either no one wanted to discuss my last post or no one reads this...which ever it is, I'm not offended and I'm gonna keep posting haha. Besides I think I've figured out how to handle my situation.

Anyway, I need to rant. An hour and a half ago, I left work happy as a clam (btw I don't get that phrase...why are clams happy?) and figured it would just be my usual drive home down 81...heavy traffic, windows down, singing along to my music. And then someone almost killed me. And I mean this. Yes, I tend to exaggerate, like for example there's a fly buzzing around my room right now and it's the size of my head. But I'm not exaggerating about this. I was driving in the middle of 3 lanes minding my own business, and all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye, I see the minivan next to me on the right getting super close to me, and I panicked, sped up, and swerved to miss getting side swiped and pushed into the tractor-trailer in the left lane. WOO-HOO...exactly what I wanted to happen on my drive home. Must have been in their blind spot, I guess...they were like right next to me. And I should've honked my horn, but I didn't have time to even think. So no biggie, right? I was kinda shaken up, but I'd get over it. Oh, but it gets better. So as I'm still in panicky/I almost died/freaking out mode, the minivan merges behind me, and then decides to ride my butt and when they get the chance, speed past me blaring their horn and all passengers of the van put their windows down, stuck their hands out and flicked me off.

For the next 20 minutes I drove, sitting rigid, not singing a word, completely out of it...and then it all hit me and I started BAWLING. Partly, because I had just almost been killed. But mostly, because it bothers me how little value people put into other's lives. That person, because of their own carelessness and inattention, almost pushed me into a tractor trailer, which would've been the death of me and my poor little car. And then on top of that, being the wonderful people they were, after doing all that had the nerve to use a gesture signifying they clearly wish I would've died. Like I did something wrong. Way to be, minivan driver, way to be. Glad to know my life is worth something to you. I love you too.

I'm normally that person that loves every person on the face of the earth, friend or stranger. I love people. But not today. Today, my faith in humanity is gone. Unfortunately, that anxious feeling in my body is not. It scares me how some people change into selfish monsters once they get behind the wheel of a vehicle. =(

I'm alive right now, my car miraculously was untouched, I'm at home resting, and I have wonderful people in my life who make me really happy. And for that, I'm grateful.

If you can't get someone out of your head, are they supposed to be there?

Question. Is it better to:

a.) wear your heart on your sleeve and put yourself and your feelings out there when there's a good chance you'll get hurt/rejected/mocked

OR

b.) act like something that's making you miserable really doesn't bother you at all and you could not care less what happens

Have you ever been in a situation where you did one or the other? What happened? Discuss.


Here's my answer:

It all depends on the situation. Normally, I wear my heart on my sleeve, because for example, if you don't let someone know that what they're doing hurts you, they could continue walking all over you knowing that you'll just put up with it and won't stick up for yourself. Also, if you really care about someone, if you don't put yourself out there and decide to hide your feelings, you'll always wonder what could have been, and will miss out on great experiences. You won't just magically find the one you're meant for without kissing a few frogs first. And keeping things bottled up is the WORST possible thing for you, in my opinion. Communication, big.

Other times, it's better to just act like things don't bother you, because after awhile, you'll find that it wasn't all too important, you got over it fast, and it doesn't matter anymore. And you end up saving yourself a lot of embarrassment and "why did I do that"s that would have occured had you spoken up and made a big issue out of something that ended up being nothing.

I guess the real question is, how do you tell if it's something life-changing and worth going after, or something you'll have forgotten about in a few months?


My current situation is of course more complicated and I'm having trouble making a decision. So far, I'm keeping my lip zipped. And praying. A LOT.


P.S. Salem is doing fantastic...the day I brought her home from surgery, I threw her in the tub and gave her a bath for the first time in her 11 years of existence, and she was still half drugged up and it was probably the funniest experience of my life. Also, I just read through some earlier posts and almost had to laugh at how awful I felt and stressed I was about getting a job and how it all just worked out. I will never cease to be grateful for that.