There's a fine line between confident and cocky

I wish I had a pensieve; my thoughts are going crazy right now.

1.) I love my job.

2.) I heard today that gas is supposed to go up to $4 a gallon this summer...guess it's a good thing I bought my hybrid. But still, eww.

3.) The thought randomly popped in my head today that people that are friends with me on facebook but don't know me very well probably think I'm the most conceited person in the world. So weird. I shouldn't have to explain myself, but I'm going to. I used to be 40-50 pounds heavier than I am now. I lost like 30 in high school, but even then, I wasn't the best looking and I didn't feel great with myself. I was also treated like dirt and emotionally abused at that point in my life, and ended up being depressed and hating myself for almost 3 years. A certain someone in my life had convinced me (and told me everyday) that I was this awful person for things I did and how I felt. Like if I got upset for feeling like I wasn't getting treated right, it was my fault because I was such a jealous bad person and deserved to be punished. Ugh. That whole thing still makes me cringe and I'm done talking about it. Point being, if you met me about 4 years ago, I was shy, unapproachable, angry-looking, depressed, ugly, and in general just looked like death. I can think of a few people that befriended me then, like some who I met at Millersville, or worked with my first summer at Tudor Grill, and those people are saints and I love them. Ask anyone from the culinary team what I was like my first year at the tg, and they'll tell you I was this shy, creeper-ish weirdo that never said 2 words. I don't think any of them know why I was like that though, or what I was going through. And I shouldn't forget to mention all the other people in my life that I love, for staying with me through all of that. It took a looooong time, but I'm finally back to being myself. I care about my appearance, I lost more weight, and I discovered that lots of boys find me really attractive and desireable and fun. I make friends, I'm extroverted, I love to laugh. I have confidence. But yes, I'm happy with the way I look, and I like to dress up and look cute, and take goofy pictures of myself trying to be sexy (do I take myself seriously? NO). If that's being cocky and conceited, then I guess I am. All I can say is, I was so far from having any form of self-esteem for years and years, and it feels good to finally like myself and who I've become. And if there's anyone out there who thinks I'm obsessed with myself, don't worry. Life has a way of humbling you when you start thinking too highly of yourself.

4.) That was a really long 3.

5.) Now my brain's all tuckered out and I can't think of all the other things that were on my mind.

6.) Ok, I know another one. Boys are so dumb. Honestly. And I only want one, not like ten. That just makes life more confusing. And why is it that the one you think you should probably just boot off to make things easier is the one you just can't quite let go of? Haha dating SUCKS.

7.) It makes me sad when people form an opinion of me but never actually take the time to find out what I'm really like. Guess it's a good thing I don't really care what people think.

8.) I also hate when I'm trying to be there and be a good friend for someone who I think needs me, but the relationship is so one-sided. I'm the one that starts conversations, I'm the one that asks how you're doing, and keeps up with the important events in your life and asks you about them. And you? You just answer my questions, and never even think to ask how I'm doing. And you never come up to me and tell me how you are unless I ask. I'm tired of it. It's so selfish. If it weren't for the fact that I know everyone always walks out on you, you could stick a fork in me, I'd be done.

9.) Mom got the idea in my head that while I'm working at New Story, I could get an apartment or something in Harrisburg. I don't even know how I feel about this yet.

10.) Last weekend was AWESOME. Dress shopping, Aubrey's birthday party, and listening to Elder Scott speak. Only for like 15 minutes, and no I didn't get to meet him. But he said exactly what I was hoping to hear, which was pretty much wonderful.

11.) This probably shouldn't bother me, but I just discovered that this girl I went to high school with (and haven't talked to in awhile but still care about her life) deleted me from her facebook friends. Did I do something wrong? Did she just decide to weed out people she hasn't talked to lately? Would it be totally creeperish to message her and ask her this? "Umm excuse me, I know we haven't talked in awhile but I noticed you deleted me and I was just wondering...wthk??" This seriously happens to me a lot...am I really that unlikeable that at least 2 people a week need to delete me? Really?

12.) I think I'm done...for now.


I feel like the basic idea of all my thoughts and this post is, I don't deserve to be treated this way. There was a time in my life that I thought I did, but that time is past. I'm just one person. I'm doing the best I can. I try to love every person I've ever met, and be a good friend. I care too much. I like to make people smile. I have a love of life and I wanna share that with you. I make mistakes. I'm human. I say sorry when I should. I try to fix things. Is it too much to ask for the same back?