Just once

This is about the same old thing. Same pain, same heartache, same fears. So if you're tired of reading about it, don't. If you're thinking to yourself "ugh, she's STILL not over this?" No, ok? NO. And I'm really sorry. I wish I felt differently. I'm trying my hardest to feel better, if that counts for anything.





I feel like such a failure. No, I don't feel like it. I am a failure.

I know, I know. I know what you're thinking. I'm not. I'm a college graduate and a go-getter and I know exactly what I want and I have friends and family who love me. I know. But all that is me me me me me.

I feel like a failure/am one, because whenever I try to be selfless, to help someone else or make their lives better or happier, which is something I've always believed I was meant to do...they end up running and screaming in the other direction as fast as they can go. Every time. EVERY TIME. You'd think I'd get used to it too, but it actually feels worse each time it happens. And maybe I should've learned by now to never try to make the people I love happy, because somehow I always end up with one less loved one after the fact. (I know this makes no sense...trust me it doesn't to me either.) 5 months ago I met someone who mattered more to me than just about anyone, and I did all I could to bring them happiness, wholeheartedly believing that the love I felt would ALWAYS be returned equally. And now here I sit...unspeakable things have been said and done, there's been zero contact between us for over a month, and not even a glimmer of hope of us ever making amends. And a party would probably be thrown if it was known how miserable I am about that, or how much I hope and pray for a change.

So I chose a helping profession? Am I crazy? If I do become a school psychologist, I'll love the kids and try to give them good advice and they'll be like "no thank you, just because you said that I'm gonna go shoot up heroin/sell myself on the corner/get pregnant at 13/commit suicide". Ok, now I'm being dramatic.



And yet with all that being said, I know I still need to try to spread happiness and success to others. But just this once, just ONCE...could I help someone out, bring someone happiness and they love me even more for it? Not leave me and despise me and tear me apart? Could they say, "you loved me so much that you were willing to do this for me, and I'll never forget you" or "you brought me so much peace and happiness, you made me better just for being you, thank you"? Oh, just once. Just one soul. And great would be my joy.




P.S. To all you lovely people out there who actually do read this, bless your hearts. Because this is about the worst blog EVER to have to read, and you're the ones that know I'm normally the happiest person in the world and can't stop singing or dancing or hoping or laughing about something. One day I'll be that person again.